Random Thoughts and Puzzle Update

Another 3rd... One month to go.  I can't believe it's been two years. 

Time has not been my friend.  Contrary to popular belief, grief does not get easier and easier each day until it is a thing of the past.  It's the most unpredictable and inconsistent beast I have ever had to deal with in my entire life.  It goes up, down and all around - in a matter of minutes some days and in no particular order - no matter what the textbooks say.  The 'stages of grief' are real, but whoever said they happen in steps is crazy... oh, you'll go from denial to anger to blah blah blah to acceptance... ugh.. so wrong.  One day I'm in acceptance and the next I'm in denial... then I go to anger and back to acceptance.  It makes no sense.

On Monday, in preparation for hurricane Sandy, I went and retrieved all of the things on Rachel's grave.  It was severely windy by the time I got there and I got soaked just getting the stuff into my van.  I don't know why, maybe it was because this was a first for taking everything away from there, but I ran back and gave the top of her cold, wet stone a kiss.

I got in the van wondering if I had lost my mind.... her stone is not her.  I felt like I was leaving her out in a storm.  I don't know, hard to explain.

I went again on Wednesday to bring her stuff back and yesterday for my Friday visit.....  And the dreaded time of year where fake flowers have to replace real ones.  I'm not ready for winter.  The only container I could find to put them in was a trash can from my basement that has a sailboat on it.  I've never used it and never noticed what it said... but yesterday I saw it... "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails."

I feel like all I ever do is adjust my flipping sails. 

Today, Matt & I went out and did something for Rachel's birthday - and after I got home I went to the store with Sam.  We're walking down the isle and a new baby started to cry.  Of course, she was a cute little girl.  As the mom tried to reposition her in the carrier, Sam looked and yelled out "Oh look, it's Rachel!"

He's been talking about her all.the.time lately.  I think probably trying to figure out who she is and how she fits into our family since he was too little to remember her. 

My mind is all over the place.... I don't even know my point.  It's just been a hard week.  Really hard. 

So, here is the puzzle update for this week...  Thank you to all who helped add to Rachel's puzzle so far!  We have 30 days left...85 pieces to go.

Week One:

1. Jason Corbett
2. Elizabeth Corbett
3. Sebby Mardon
4. Donna Wynot
5. Donna Wynot
6. Donna Wynot
7. Donna Wynot
8. Donna Wynot
9. Jennifer Tate
10. Jennifer Tate
11. Alisha Guilmette
12. Nicole Caviris
13. 'Litte One'
14. The Meehans
15. Cindy Winden
16. Cindy Winden

Week Two:

17. Hope McKeen
18. Cyndie Paraski
19. Cyndie Paraski
20. Lynda Snelson ("in memory of Rachel")
21. Baby String
22. Kim Carnevale
23. Nate Carnevale

43. Rachel Alice Aube