Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Places: The End of the Dock

Time has really gotten away from me....

There are still a couple more places I wanted to share from our vacation in September.

As you can imagine, Matt & I don't get much alone time - not before the kids' bedtime anyway.  I also have spent the last few years pregnant and not able to do much - and when I've been able to physically, I've struggled to let loose and have fun mentally. 

The first morning we were at camp, after we made coffee, I said "You, me and the dock, honey?"  and we grabbed a bible and our coffee and went and sat in the sun.  We read together while the kids played near by in the water. 

very thankful that Des is taking on my love of photos.... thanks, Des!
Since we've been home, when life starts to get crazy and we're craving time together and with God, Matt will say "You, me and the dock, honey?" and we pretend our kitchen table is a little dock in Maine.

Des asked if she could go in in her clothes.  The type A in me debated if I wanted her clothes to get dirty.  I reluctantly said it was okay.  One at a time, the kids joined.... and before I knew it - and much to everyone's surprise - I jumped in in my clothes.  OK, the truth is I've never stepped foot in that water in the 4 years we've been going to the camp until that very moment.  The water is not my kind of swimming water :/  But I can't tell you how good it felt to let go and just live in the moment.  And the kids thought it was so exciting that Mama was swimming in her clothes!  It's all about the memories!

The dock held sweet memories daily...
Me & Asa hung out and watched Daddy & the kids go in the kayak. 
This boy doesn't sit still very often, but for this period of time, he just sat and rested with me.
Asa & I watched from the porch as the boys sat and talked on the end of the dock.

Matt was laying in the sun and I turned around to find Sam copying him :o)
And then one morning, as I sat to read my bible, I discovered a regret I didn't know I had.  When I was pregnant with Rachel, I started reading her Ecclesiastes and never finished.  I decided I needed to finish what I started and so I read out loud, sitting in the warm sun.... and while I did, I wrote these words:

I sit reading, toes grazing the cool water and I wonder why I didn't do this more.  I think of the day I read these words to her in my living room and I wish I would have finished them.  I don't have many regrets, but I found one this morning under the warm sun.  I can't get it back and so I close my eyes and cry.  I cry because I feel like I let her down.  I cry because I miss her.  I cry because I didn't follow through.  What if she could hear me?  What if she knew I didn't do what I said I would?  It's just 12 chapters and I couldn't make it through?  I look at the pages knowing the words would have been perfect for her - for me.  I start to read in hopes that she can hear me still.  I move to the side of the last piece of wood, desperate for her to join me here and I imagine her little toes dangling in the water with mine.  I softly whisper to her that Mama wants to read her something and I pick up where I left off so many months ago.  I look to my left as I hear Desirae say softly from behind me "Mama, there's a dragonfly"  I move to take a photo and she flew away... for just a moment she sat with me and now I sit alone again.  I look around the pond feeling the greatness of God's creation as a gentle breeze causes me to close my eyes.  I open them again and start to read....
To everything there is a season.  A time and a purpose under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die.  A time to mourn and a time to dance.... All are from dust and to dust they shall return.... a day of death is better than the day of one's birth... sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad countenance the heart is made better....Cast your burdens on the waters....as you do not know what is in the way of the wind (the wind suddenly picked up so much that I struggle to keep my pages down)...Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child... so you do not know the works of God who makes everything
And as I read the last line of the book of Ecclesiastes, I felt my regret fall away.  The seat beneath me feeling harder and less comfortable than it did over an hour ago, the spot next to me still empty.  I closed my bible and I know it's time.  Time to go back to the busyness of the family I have in the camp behind me.  I sweep my feet through the rippling water one last time and stand up.  I breathe in the mountain air and listen to ta little bird chirping.
I hope you heard me girl.  I'm sorry it took me so long.  Mama loves you.
Throughout this time, this huge dragonfly kept coming and sitting next to me on the wood.  At one point, it flew so close to my face, it took my breath away.  I wanted to get a picture, but every time I moved to get the camera, it flew away.  After I got home, I received the photo disk in the mail from Rachel's Race.  There was a photo that the photographer had taken that day... I had seen it on her facebook page and even commented on it, but didn't realize it was on Rachel's sign because I didn't see all the phtos yet. It was on the string of the sign and apparently hung out there for quite a while....
Jenna Doughtry Photography

1 comment:

  1. The dragonfly...irony? I don't think so. She's around you all the time! ;)


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