Memory Fails

Tonight has been hard.

I realized I don't think we got a print out of Rachel's heartbeat from before she was born and began looking. I looked. Looked some more. And kept looking.... It instantly became an I-need-to-find-this thing that I couldn't let go of. We have ultrasounds, but since I didn't have a regular labor, they only monitored her long enough to make sure she was still alive. And I don't know where that paper went or if I ever even had it, but I needed to know.

In the process of searching, I've watched a ton of ultrasound videos (in hopes I could print it off of there), smiled as I saw her dancing around inside of me, looked thru her memory box, smelled her clothes, searched through photos from her birthday and cried more - and harder - than I have in a long time.

I miss her. I can feel her birthday coming and it's almost 2 months away still.

Isaiah passed by and saw me crying. He came back and gave me a hug. He asked if she wore the dress I was holding and I showed him a picture of her in it. I showed him one of him holding her and asked if he remembered meeting her. He said "Well, I do, but I can't remember what she feels like." His words made it hard for me to deny that my fears are coming true...

She's getting harder to remember.

Oh dear God help me remember what she feels like.....  I don't want to forget what it felt like to hold her.