It feels like forever ago and yesterday at the same time. I remember the intense desire for people to celebrate her with us - and how awkward that was for some. I remember being so blessed by the people who were able to act like she was still alive.... because she was. And how hard it was to open a card at my baby's shower and see the words "with deepest sympathy" and smile and say thank you as if my heart wasn't being torn apart deep within.
I didn't plan her shower on the same weekend as the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on purpose - but it did prove to be meaningful in the long run. We had around 85 people who came that day. I had asked people who wanted to give gifts to donate to Rachel's Playground fund and we were blessed with over $1,600 that day.
As much as I have seen the worst in some through this trial, I've also been the best. Throughout my pregnancy and beyond, I have continuously seen people pouring out their love - and Christ's love - on us. Looking back, some of it is hard to believe.
So yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.... but today was the day I woke up with a heavy heart missing my girl.
Within 10 minutes of being awake, I saw Asa go walking across the kitchen floor out of the corner of my eye! He had taken a few steps here and there - but where did he learn that?! While sleeping?! And now all day long, he's been walking everywhere. (and grabbing stuff off the table!) He has been giggling and squealing - he is so excited about his new talent. I have smiled so many times today watching him, it's impossible to count how many.
I couldn't help but feel like it was a gift just for me on Rachel's day. The day we celebrate life. A day on our journey where she was alive and that was the focus. When she danced at her own party and I still knew there was a chance I wouldn't have to live without her. When nobody tried to avoid the subject of her. It was ok - and sometimes even insisted on when I wasn't up for it - to talk about her because she wasn't old news. When people put aside their comfort levels to be with us and walk with us - if only for an hour or two.
October 16 will always belong to Rachel. But today, Asa made it one of his big days too. I've refused to let Asa steal any of the spot light from Rachel, but today he deserves some. And I'm pretty sure Rachel would agree.... I'm positive if she were here with us, she would have been laughing right along with the rest of us as she watched her little brother walk around.
And I'm wondering if she didn't put a request in with our Father for a special gift for me today ♥
I am so blessed and so thankful for every second I get to spend with each one of my children as I watch them grow. And I'm even thankful for the way it makes my heart ache knowing how much I've missed and will miss with Rachel - because it means she was real. She was here. She was alive. She exisited. (OK - I just wrote that and my entire house shook. I started writing that I thought we had an earthquake - which I've never experienced before - but thought I'd sound crazy so I deleted it - and then I talked to my mom and I guess there really WAS an earthquake! I guess my girl is still dancing. Maybe she took up clogging :o))
I wish I could have seen her walk. Somebody once posted this on my wall....She never walked, but she did always dance.