Thursday, October 25, 2012

Battle Scar

I've been having a hard time lately with the idea of waiting on healing...

Or should I say the idea that everyone else is waiting on my healing.  I'm actually fine just where I am.  But somehow it always seeps through the well-meaning comments....

We're waiting for you to be all better.

I struggle with the idea of grieving being a possible past tense... I grieved.  ??  Makes no sense to me.

But some say it about their own journey.  Some think grief is supposed to come and then go.  And some think if it hasn't, then there must be something wrong....  with me...  or my perspective... or my relationship with God... or in the choices I make for me and my family.

And everyone just wants the same thing.... for me to be all better.

I want it too.

But there is a difference between a wound and a scar.  Wounds heal, scars last a lifetime.

I can look back and see how my wound has been healing.  I know it's not as raw as it once was.... even yesterday.  But my scar is the remnants of a battle I didn't choose.   It's the way my life, my heart, my soul, my body are forever changed because of a little girl named Rachel Alice Aube (yes, I just 'accidentally' wrote Rachel Alive, as usual!) who came and went much too quickly. 

I will never be like I was before this wound.  And I don't want to be.  So if I could make a (please hear my humble tone here) request.... instead of praying that I will be healed and get on with my life so I can look like everyone else again... could you pray that God would help you to accept me just the way I am - the new me - and how to be a friend to someone who has a scar like mine?  Could you pray that He would send me friends who can handle my need to talk about her?  Friends that won't judge me or pick apart what I do?  Could you pray that I will find great comfort in helping others who are in pain and in the hope of eternity, even while it still feels so far away?  And while praying these things, can you trust that God is working in me JUST AS I AM...Battle scar and all... introverted, sometimes emotional, and always missing my girl...  believe that HE knows what he's doing and that I am in tuned to His voice more now than ever before. 

I'm okay with how she has changed my life - I actually like it more now than I ever have.  I'm okay with what I'm capable of doing - or not doing... and with how much I smile and cry.  I am okay with how far I've come - even though it's not nearly as far as I would have expected to be by now, back when ignorance was bliss.  But I'm okay with it because I know God has led me through this and He has guided my every step along the way.  Perhaps if I didn't know this to be true, I'd be concerned too.... But God allowed my baby to die and He is using my pain.  His purpose is so much bigger than we see.  And He never claimed it would be fun.  But He hasn't left me yet.  He sees my scar and He knows I fought - and still fight - this battle for Him.  I trust He's not disappointed with the time I'm taking to recover.  And I'm sure He knows that scars don't mean healing didn't take place.

1 comment:

  1. Stacy, my sweet, you are doing a perfect job just the way you are! And I pray all those things for others too! As I've said before, let them try to walk just half a mile in your shoes! Love you, and BIG hugs!


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