Desirae's Party and her Castle

This morning Des & I headed out to get the stuff for her birthday party.  This was the first year she has had just a "friend party" and it was great.  She was so excited.  It was much less stressful on me too and she had surprise drop-ins from my family all week long so it seemed like her birthday lasted for a week.  I'm not sure why I didn't do this years ago...could have saved myself some trouble.  Anyway, we were leaving the driveway and "My Girl" came on the radio.  I've got sunshine on a cloudy day...I've even got the month of May with my girl...  sigh...

Matt brought Des & her friends out to Chuck E. Cheese's, while I stayed with the 3 boys.  When they returned we had pizza, ice cream shakes, popcorn and watched a movie.  Now she has her cousins sleeping over and they are going with us in the morning to church.  Isaiah was excited that he got to have a friend sleep over too! :o)

Girl's just wanna have fun!

The 3 Girls!  A gift from Mama for her new room

Showing everyone her new room

 And speaking of which... New topic...  I was waiting to show these pictures cause I ordered a new quilt and valance (her bday gift!!) and apparently got ripped off on line, so now I'm trying to file claims and all that fun stuff and it could be a while...see what I mean about things just not working out?  I ordered it 3 weeks before her birthday so she'd have it - and she doesn't.  I'm blessed that she's not a greedy kid cause she hasn't complained once.  But this castle is what our friends Denise & Kelly helped us build for her. She had no idea it was coming!  It was so fun.  Plus, we switched their rooms around, which she didn't know was happening either.  This used to be Isaiah's room, Isaiah & Sam are now both in Des' old room and I have Sam's room for my office and Rachel's stuff.  I've been very busy! :o) 



the boys' room... used to be pink!!  Isaiah saw this and said "Mama! Orange is my favorite color!" :o)  I've been working hard.  No wonder my incision isn't happy.  But it's kept my mind busy... Oh, and check out the floors that Brian helped us with!  Love them! It used to be black carpet!  Papa (my Dad) got them the bed as one of their Christmas presents.

OK, so that's a glance into my home.  I was sad that I'd never be able to do the room stuff for Rachel...I love this stuff, but I decided I'm going to in a different way.  I have some space in the spare room where I am going to hang her stuff out and a dresser I'll use to store the rest.  (knowing me, I see a fresh coat of paint coming too!)  I feel better at least having a special place for it; a place where it doesn't just go unseen.  I have some organizing to do, but projects are good for me...hence the playground! :o)  I told someone the other day that if I didn't have my 3 beautiful children (and all the things I do for them) to keep me busy, I think I might have died from a broken heart by now.  These daily things with them keep me going.  I am so thankful I have them and for all the joy and love they bring into my soul. 

Rachum doesn't always take the pain away

Just reading through Lamentations 3 again this morning...ironically titled: The Prophet's Anguish and Hope.  I think this is a good one for me right now...

I already have some underlined in this chapter...

My soul still remembers and sinks within me.  This I recall to mind, Therefore I have hope.  Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed.  Because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 

 Lamentations 3:20-23

My bible has these little side notes called "Word Study" - I saw the word rachum and it caught my eye since it's close to Rachel.  She's always on my mind and heart.  I looked closer to find that the study was on the word compassion and it is from the Hebrew word rachum.  Here is what it says:

This word is related to the word for a womb.  It refers to a mother's protective love for a helpless child.  It is expressed in acts of service for a weaker person.

So, this morning I am reminded that I had compassion on my girl.  She is my precious daughter.  I had a protective love for her from the moment she was conceived and do, even still.  She was helpless; a weaker person.  I took care of her in a special way and was her strength...I still do and still am.  I saw beyond any imperfection she had according to the world and loved her with an everlasting and unfailing love; always will.  I longed to be with her...still do.  I smile at the thought of her and cry at the thought of the sin in the world causing her death.  I never wanted it to be this way.  Some day, because of Jesus, I will see her again.

And then God turned that around for me and "said":

I have compassion on you, my girl.  You are my precious daughter.  I had a protective love for you from the moment you were conceived and still do.  You are helpless; a weaker person.  I took care of you in a special way and was your strength...I still do and I still AM.  I see beyond any imperfection you have according to the world and love you with an everlasting and unfailing love; always will.  I have longed to be with you...still do.  I smile at the thought of you and cry at the thought of the sin in the world causing your death.  I never wanted it to be this way.  Some day, because of Jesus, I will see you face to face. 

He still is.  He hasn't gone anywhere.  If I can love Rachel in such a deep and amazing way in my humanness...how much more can God, the maker of heaven and earth, love me? 

I crawled into bed last night after crying painful tears with my husband over the loss of our daughter. I stared at the ceiling and held her blanket close.  I couldn't help but ask "Where are you God?"

and clear as can be I felt Him respond... "I never said it wouldn't hurt."

Barely Holdin' On

My two goals this morning were: get school done with Des and get Rachel's new marker finished and over to her.  Today is 5 weeks... Fridays will always = Rachel.  (I also bought my fresh flowers to represent my little "flower" here in our home...I promised to keep them in the house in her memory and so far we have not been without them!)

Yesterday after I bought all the stuff to decorate the thing for Rachel's grave, I hit a major roadblock... the ground was too frozen to get my trellis out of it (should have put it away in the fall!!) and even if I got it out, the ground would be too frozen to get it in at the cemetery.  Apparently the old-timers at the cemetery were prepared for this cause as I looked around, it dawned on me that they all had put their stuff up early... there should be a "how to decorate your loved one's grave through the seasons before you have a headstone" guide.  Maybe I'll write that after my book!  I felt so out of the loop... and yet again, discouraged.

So, last night and this morning, I searched the house and looked on line for something I could use instead.  Not exactly the right time of year to be looking for garden stuff.  I have a gift of making something out of nothing and was trying to come up with something around the house I could use - as each idea failed, I got more depressed.  Thankfully, God created me to be the kind of person who always finds a way... my love for Rachel and my dedication as her mother always step in and keep me going when I feel like I can't do it anymore.

For some reason, Rachel got an insurance card in the mail last week.  I guess she needs it since she had a neonatologist, but I never applied so I found it strange.  In the middle of my failing at making something pretty for her grave, I had to call them this morning to tell them that she doesn't need insurance and why...  I almost made it through that call without crying...almost, but not quite.  I hate this.  I was on the brink of having an emotional breakdown...I can't handle anymore disappointment.  I feel like there is constantly something not going right; not the least of which being that my daughter has yet to come back to life here on earth.  It's exhausting and my anxiety level is high.

I called Studley's Flower shop and talked to Mary (she goes to our church and her & her husband paid for the flowers we had at Rachel's service as a gift to us - I had those flowers in my house for a month before they died!)  I told her my dilemma and she looked around and came up with a solution.  She secured a trellis in a basket (in place of using the ground) and put some stones in it so it wouldn't fall over.  I really appreciated when she told me that she knows since I'm a "hands-on person" that it would be healing for me to add the garland and stuff I had already bought rather than her putting the whole thing together for me with stuff they had there...  I love that it is obvious that I like to do things for my girl and that she recognized that and helped make it possible.  So, for a price well worth my sanity and morale, I had a set up ready to be decorated. Thank you Jesus!

Made with Love <3

I wanted something tall enough that when the snow falls, it won't get covered...Her name plate is very close to the ground and I want her name to be visible.  When all was said & done, Rachel had a Mama-made decoration on her resting spot and her name was flying high.  I couldn't get the tree out cause it's frozen in there, so I'm hoping I can get Matt to go with me to be the muscles.  I want to save it to use again  for her next year.  I don't want it to get ruined sitting out for too long.  Still can't believe she's under there...

I dropped Des off at art class at Tri-City and headed over to clean things up for my girl... on the way a song came on that I've heard a million times, but it's never done anything for me.  Today, as I sang the chorus and the cemetery came into sight, it had me sobbing in the car.  My reaction made me realize how low I really am...how hard this really is... I identified a little too much for comfort.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I stood in the cemetery...feeling so small.  I looked around me and my being felt tiny in comparison to my surroundings.  I looked at her name on the ribbon I put on the trellis...feeling so powerless...I couldn't save her.  I looked at the graves around me... feeling the weight of death and the truth of sin in this world. 
There are so many people who have to sit in cemeteries to feel close to their husbands and wives, moms and dads, sisters and brothers, children...babies...

 

Across from Rachel



Rachel's gave from a ways back

A name & date that changed the world

My heart is heavy.  It's broken; yet still beating. Nothing will ever bring her back. My relationship with her will always be in this place.  A cemetery, memorabilia, attempts (sometimes failed) at showing her and everyone else how my heart feels about her, and a blog.  Things seem to be getting more difficult now.... Trying to find my way through this overwhelming grief. 

Finished school with Des this afternoon (2nd goal of the day accomplished!)  But then I went to shut the blinds, since the sun had set, and saw that a string of lights on our fence outside are burned out... could everything just look pretty at the same time for once?  I try so hard to do these special things to speak of my love for Rachel.  There is always something that goes wrong... things just aren't going my way these days.  It's been a long time since they have.  I stared out at them with a "that figures" attitude; feeling yet again discouraged.

I'm barely holdin' on...

Holding on to You, Jesus.

Video

Someone recommended this to me in a comment from my last post... it's worth the 8 mins.  Try to listen if you can... it had me in tears; just knowing God's so involved in the details brings me comfort.  Don't forget to pause my music at the bottom so you can hear him!

A Poem by Desirae

Desirae asked me to post this... it's her first poem.  She gave it to me with her head held high.

We all are sad that Rachel has died,
But in heaven Rachel is satisfied.
Her cute little nose, her dress and her bows
we love her so much and her gentle little touch.

To Mama and Rachel
Love, Desirae May Aube.  Your first daughter.

Happy Birthday Rachel!

Caution: Heart Wounded

I went to the craft store to get some decorations for Rachel.  I want to take her tree down and put up something else for the rest of the winter - but am trying to come up with something that will be off the ground since she doesn't have a stone and it's supposed to snow this weekend.  I am really sad when I pull up and it doesn't look pretty for her. 

The sweet woman working helped me to figure out what to buy to make what I had in mind.  I hadn't given details, just that I needed something to decorate a trellis.  While she was helping me, the song "Life's not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away" (country song) came on and I couldn't hide it... I just said it... I blurted out "I can't believe this song is playing right now, I think I might have a breakdown!"...  yep.  that's what I told her.  And well, once I said that and I was free to cry, I told her about Rachel.  She teared up with me and asked me a few questions as we continued to pick through the things.  I left feeling a little weird - and a little better...  it feels right to tell people about my girl.  She deserves to be talked about. 

I had an appt right after to check my incision since I've still had a lot of pain... she said it looks good. (could have fooled me!) I went to my regular OB's - I haven't been there since soon after Rachel was diagnosed.  It was nice to go show them all her little hand & foot print (I carry a frame in my bag that has been there since her funeral) I went to have my body looked at and ended up crying with the doctor for a 1/2 an hour - she was crying too. She was the doctor who gave us the sad news in August.  Kelly had 2 of the kids for me and Isaiah was at school...seems whenever they aren't around, I am able to let it out and I do. I never realized how much I hold back for their benefit. Just call me "Mama"... I get that from my mom.  I've watched my mom choke back many tears to be strong for me in the last 5 months.

I told the people at the office what a blessing Rachel was... and how my heart hurts.  Joy & Sorrow...  I really never knew they could exist together to such a deep degree before Rachel....they never have before.  If I step back and try to look from an objective view at my life (good luck!)  I really cannot believe how much this is true.  I imagine it can be hard for others to believe too.  I'm sure some find it hard to believe that the joy she has brought me has no comparison.  Some think it's just all sad... it's SO not.  With this pain has come the most true and undefiled joy and unconditional love I have ever experienced.  I wouldn't give it back for the promise of pain-free circumstances.  I did, however, bawl like a child leaving that office.  I cried the whole way back to get the kids (and then shut off the faucet again once I saw them, of course.)  I walked down that hallway to leave... the same hallway I walked down right after we found out she would die.  It feels like it was yesterday.  The pain is so close to the surface.

The doctor was talking to me about the wound of losing a child and how it eventually becomes a scar, instead of a raw wound. (paraphrasing...)  I thought about how that is not much different than how our bodies heal from a wound.  In my mind as she talked, I thought about my c-section...

My skin, stomach, uterus...and everything between were cut wide open the day Rachel was born... My heart was cut wide open as well; with vulnerable love and joy for her - and then left that way when she died. They gave me 7 layers of stitches, 8 inches long each, for my body...  my heart was left with a gaping hole.  The physical pain was cared for with bandages and pain killers... there's nothing like that for my heart.  I was given instructions for how to care for my body.  I was told what things would hurt it and slow my healing.  People seem to understand my physical restrictions... But my heart... well, there's no manual for how to treat it during this painful time, no way to speed up the healing... and people just don't seem to understand the restrictions I have as a result.  I thought about how picking up something too heavy or running up the stairs too fast brings shooting pains to the healing wound on my belly - things I would normally do without thinking twice.  I thought about how random my emotional pain can be... hearing a new, crying infant in the store or walking upstairs at night to find everyone else sleeping and Rachel's blanket awaiting me on my pillow sends a very similar shooting pain into my heart. 

The wound on my body will eventually become less visible, maybe invisible altogether... the pain will subside and it will no longer affect my life in such an intense way.  It will be a scar instead of a wound. There is a chance however, that if stretched again too soon or ever put under too much pressure, it could rupture; come apart at the seams.  It will never be gone.  The proof of it's existence will always be there and it will always come with extra cautions of possible complications.  It's the nature of scar tissue.  Especially in a wound so deep.

I think it's the same for my heart.

Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Sam's in a big boy bed now and woke up at 5am!  If he wasn't so cute he'd be in big trouble.  I came down and laid on the couch and put on a movie for him (and Isaiah cause he woke up too!) They started playing with the little people nativity set that Papa got them for Christmas... it plays "Away in a Manger." I heard the music and started to sing along to myself...

Be near me, Lord Jesus,

I ask Thee to stay,

Close by me forever,

and love me, I pray!

Bless all the dear children

in Thy tender care
And take us to heaven,

to Live with Thee there.

I looked out the window, it was still dark, but I could see the lights from our tree outside.  I felt so numb. Last night was one of the very few nights that I didn't cry myself to sleep...but I felt numb - and disappointed. That feeling followed me into the morning.  Away in a manger didn't help.  It should, right?  It should help me focus on Jesus and be thankful...  not today...  I was numb.

My silver lining...

Back to Homeschool today and it went well.  I love that I have that time with Desirae.  Today the boys were causing quiet the commotion while we were working and it was such a blessing to stop and laugh with them.  This is another thing that Rachel has made me better at...enjoying the moments I'm given with my children.  Remembering that I only have so many with each of them and what a blessing each one is.  Sam was being such a ham and was thrilled that he was making us laugh.  I looked over at Desirae and she was cracking up too.  To see all my kids with big smiles on their faces and to catch the one on mine at the same time was awesome.  This is what being a mom is all about... (with lots of multi-tasking included!) :o)

But there was one face that was missing...  No sooner did I have the "this is the life" thought and my next thought was "There should be 4 of them here." and my heart sunk again. Every day I have at least one thought of what it would be like to be holding her... snuggling up with my cute little girl.  It is a constant balancing act between joy and sorrow.  Such a hard line to walk.

Today I got a sketch of Rachel's headstone.  It's beautiful...for a headstone.  I was very specific in what I wanted for writing, so I knew what to expect, and knew it was coming soon - and yet when I looked at it, I cried.  It was "stone cold" reality.  I starred at the computer with disbelief and my head went numb while my heart screamed in pain. 

I was remembering my post "We walk by faith, not by sight" - it was my mantra throughout my pregnancy.  In that post, I talked about how we WOULD be bringing a car seat to that hospital...  And we did....  We got it all washed up and put it in the car. (I'm sure people thought we were nuts)  Before we went into the hospital, I asked Matt to put it in the trunk just in case we came out without her.  I didn't want to have to see it... you know, reality.   A nurse wheeled me out of the hospital on Dec.6, without my baby.  She pulled the wheel chair up to the car and as I stood up to get in, Matt popped the trunk.  There it was, my unnecessary car seat.... empty.  We walked by faith, not by sight and didn't get what we wanted.  sigh.  I wondered why God couldn't have just spared me the pain of seeing the car seat.  I got in the car and we headed to go visit Rachel at the funeral home... and then had to leave without her again.  Amazingly, I felt no worse at that time than I do now.  I guess it was shock?  The peace that passes understanding??  I don't know, but I'm glad cause looking back, I don't know how I walked that path like I did.  I can see that God was carrying me.

I'm hoping some day I will look back on these days and God's grace and mercy will be so evident in my memory that I will wonder how I walked this path and see how God carried me.  I know it's there, I know He is, but right now I'm just numb.  And (brace yourselves) a little disappointed with God.  Not mad, just disappointed. 

Forward Hurts

Back to the daily grind today... it's been a solid 6 weeks since I have done any of my "normal" stuff.  The days that Isaiah's had pre-school or Des has had something going on, I have called on the help of friends to get them there.  I was a little anxious about trying to do so much today.  My incision is still hurting and I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be.  I just do too much.  Hard not too with 3 little ones and a house to tend to.  Returning to my usual activities without Rachel is hard.  It feels kind of like I'm leaving her behind as I move forward.

I got Isaiah to school and Des & I headed up to our music lessons.  I haven't so much as picked up my guitar in the last 6 weeks either and her piano has become a catch-all.  I got there on time for once, and even remembered my payment, and there was a big sign "closed Jan.3 & 4"... okay, plan B... we went to Amy's early - (Des takes dance with her girls)  She gave me a cup of her seriously rugged tea and we hung out for a while.  I guess this week was meant to be a practice run for music. *shrug*  Watch, next week I'll be late and forget my money...

When I picked Isaiah back up from school, there was a card in his cubby for me from another parent.  It had a bunch of stuff about how Rachel has touched her heart and she wrote

"your faith and love of God has made me want to get to know Him better - and my kids went to church for their 1st time on Sunday! Thank you!!!"

This is why I do what I do... I am SO thankful for moments like these when I hear that Rachel is making a difference in God's kingdom.  I am humbled to be a part of that.  Please know, though, that "my faith and love of God" has come from Him.  I didn't decide I was going to follow him, he called me and even though I wanted to run at that time, I couldn't.   I know that I do have the choice daily how I'm going to respond to his plan, but the strength I have comes from him.  I would not be capable in my own power.  Thank you for such great words of encouragement though!  It makes my burden a little lighter to bear hearing these things. 

I also have to say that it really melts my heart to hear people tell me that Rachel is blessed to have me as her Mama... As a mother, you long to hear that you're doing it "right"... that your children are blessed to have you...  that they need you and want you...  that you are fulfilling your God-given role as their mother...

or maybe that's just me.

Even if it is just me, it's true.  I don't want to hear that she is better off there, that she doesn't need me or want me... I already know she has everything she'll ever need and more with God.  But my human heart needs to hear that I'm doing this right with what little of her still belongs to me.  Sound selfish?  I guess I'll plead "human".

Took my tree down this afternoon... I'm the type that usually takes it down right after Christmas so I can get things back in order.  I hate clutter.  This year, I just don't want to take it down.  Again, feels like I'm leaving her behind.  We got so many ornaments with her name on them...Christmas will always hold a little bit of Rachel here.  It's unbelievable to me how I feel completely different about every day "normal" actions since Rachel.   I decided that a good compromise would be to put my tree outside and leave it's lights on... yes, I moved it myself... that's what I mean...dumb.  That definitely weighs more than a grocery bag (my supposed limit)  But anyway, it's outside all lit up.  A bright light in the darkness.  That's what Rachel (like Jesus!) is to me - my bright light through my darkest days.  It was a way for me to ease away from Christmas without my girl.  Every step in the forward direction hurts.  You would think it would feel better to "move on".  For time to pass by.  I know it's necessary, I know I can't slow the days... I don't really want to cause I'm hoping eventually the pain will lessen, but for now... forward hurts.

Happy Birthday My Girls

Today we celebrated 8 years with our precious Desirae.  She was the "ball of cells" that some people thought we'd be better off without when I found out we were expecting her. Some people closest to us claimed that having an abortion would have been "the best thing, at least for the baby".  Claiming that it would be "selfish" and "unwise" to bring a baby into "this God forsaken world" in our circumstances. (note: God has not forsaken us, we have forsaken him)   Some of the same people thought we'd be better off without Rachel too, I'm sure.  It's interesting how people can detach themselves from the fact that a "pregnancy" of mine is a baby and then as soon as I give birth (or they find out that the baby has a fatal birth defect...) act like they are that same baby's biggest fan.  To me, my children have my heart from the moment I think about getting pregnant (and although timing looked "bad" to everyone else with my pregnancy with Desirae, the truth is that she didn't happen by mistake - we were trying to conceive her - she was not our mistake, but even if she was, she was certainly not God's mistake)  Look at this child, holding her #8 up with a smile... She has brought me 8 years of pure love, joy, happiness, laughter and even some character building :o)  For a baby that would have been "better off dead" in some people's eyes, she has sure had a pretty good life - and she sure has made mine a lot better too.

Shannan brought the pink tulips tonight with a "Happy Birthday" card for Rachel. (yep, I cried. That amount of thoughtfulness will get me every time.  I love my friends!)  One month ago today. December 3...the day that forever changed who I am.  The day when my pro-life stance became even stronger and held even more conviction in my heart.  If I didn't believe that every single life had a purpose before, that day would have changed my mind all by itself.  She was amazing and she was worth, is worth, every ounce of physical, emotional, mental anguish I have felt and will feel... and believe me, it hasn't been easy and it doesn't seem like it will get any easier any time soon.  But "easier" isn't always better.  She, my little "ball of cells", had a purpose.  God has used it all for good.  He allowed us to be graced with her miraculous presence and I am SO glad that I got to meet her. She brought me 9 months and 43 minutes of pure love, joy, happiness, laughter and even some character building :o) 

A life is a life...I would have preferred hers be longer, but I am so thankful for what I had with her.  And just like with Desirae, we had to face the same "why don't you save yourself this trouble and just get it over with" kind of comments...  I mean, at least for the baby, right?  Sorry...sarcasm.  Working on that.   And just like with Desirae, we rejoiced over her and waited for her with hopeful expectation.  We loved her and cherished her and I did everything in my power to care for and protect her, just like with Desirae.  I carried her with my head held high, proud to be her mom... I gave birth to her and loved her unconditionally, just like Desirae.  I showed her off to my family, friends...the world... just like my Desirae.  And I would do it all over again, just like Desirae. 

I would love to someday throw her a party with a #8 on the cake, just like Desirae...

Tonight, after we got done celebrating our big girl's 8th birthday, Des & I went out for a ride.  We picked up some crab rangoons and a strawberry shake and went to visit Rachel to celebrate our little girl's 1 month birthday.  I brought her a tulip and stuck it in with her daisies.  Her balloons had fallen to the ground (helium doesn't like the cold - I'm gonna have to figure something else out!) and her snowman had melted.  It was cold and dark and I just had to let it go for the night.  I couldn't fix it and I hate it when things aren't perfect... for any of my children.  I have a feeling that God might feel the same way about his children.

As I drove away, the tears flowed again.  Seems no matter how many times I go to see her, leaving her there tears me apart every time.  There's something about my baby being in the frozen ground that turns my stomach.  Yesterday the ground was muddy and soft and today on our walk it was hard as a rock.  I look at it and can't help but think of her perfect little nose and cheeks and hands and feet - all in the frozen ground.

I've struggled with this thought since long before I had her.  I knew this would be hard for me.  The only tangible thing I know of her, the places I kissed and touched...are not with God, they are in the ground and it is frozen. In my humanness it's hard to not get caught up on that one.  She's my daughter...just like Desirae.  I love her and would do anything for her, just like Desirae.

I came home tonight and got an email from Jill with a devotional in it that read:

When it is cold on earth, we can take comfort in knowing that our loved ones are in the warm arms of God.

Losing my child has made me realize that "it can happen to me".  I have 3 other children who I could lose any day.  We are not guaranteed a #8 with any of our kids.  When I first found out about Rachel, I struggled to not be over protective of them because I was so afraid I would lose one of them too.  The thought is never far from my mind.  But when it comes right down to it, I have to trust them to the warm arms of my God too...just like Rachel.  *sigh*

Happy Birthday my girls... God loves you... Just like Mama

Joy in God's Faithfulness

Today was a good day.  There were a few things that happened so bear with me, this is a long one... I usually try to do one topic at a time, but I'm letting go of my perfectionist expectation for this one or it will take me forever to do.

First Topic: 
I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and worked on my book... I know I'm supposed to be writing this book.  I am definitely being led by the Spirit.  I pray that God will use it for his glory.   Please remember me in your prayers.

I was flipping through the stations on the radio, which I NEVER do, and it seemed every song was cutting into my heart...

"all through the night" - Cindy Lauper... immediate thought of my night with Rachel - changed it

"can you call it home when your loved ones are gone?" - some rap crap - sadness obvious - changed it

Then as I pulled in the parking lot at church, a song came on and I sat for a second to listen. It's written about a relationship, but the first verse had me stuck in my seat:

I woke up early this morning around 4am

With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate

I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep

But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake

Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms

I've been tryin' my best to get along

But that's OK

There's nothing left to say

I pictured Rachel is Jesus' arms.  I thought about my time with her.  I thought about my sleepless night, wrapped up in her empty blanket with only memories to hang on to - and how there really are no words to describe what that does to my heart... and, well, that verse kinda sums that up.  With how numb I was feeling at this point, I didn't expect the day to go great, but I did what I always do...picked myself up and kept on going.

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Denise & I did Rachel's Playground announcement, which was exciting and very well received.  I went to 1st service with her and the Matt & the kids met me there for 2nd service.

Let me give you some background info...  Denise & I were not friends before Rachel.  She sent me a letter after my "how does your garden grow" post, offering to help me weed my garden.  She came over and I thought it was obvious that she was pregnant, but know better than to ever ask that question without the mom saying so first.  So, I waited and as soon as she spilled the beans, I jumped for joy...at which point she told me she was due 3 weeks before me, but was a surrogate mother.  It left me with my jaw wide open... having a baby that you can't keep on purpose?  That's a strong woman.  And so our friendship began and she has done so much to help me in the last 5 months.  She never did weed my garden, but she did my laundry, made me a dozen meals, got all the details of Rachel's playground organized up until this point. And just recently, her and her husband helped us turn Desirae's bedroom into every 8 year old girl's dream room, castle bed and all! (pics coming soon!)  All while carrying a baby of her own.

[Side Note: Our friends Brian & Emily (and their friend Kevin) helped us to pull up the carpets to help the kids' allergies and put down new floors in the bedrooms upstairs in the middle of all this!  Couldn't leave them out...thank you!!  We are SO blessed.  It's unreal.]

But, just like Rachel wasn't really mine and I wasn't meant to keep her, Denise left the hospital with empty arms so that someone else could have a baby they desired.  Since I had Rachel 3 weeks early, we had our babies in the same week.  All of this to say that God has provided me a friend who, although the circumstances are different, has just given birth and doesn't have a baby to hold.  She doesn't miss hers like I miss Rachel, but it is a unique bond that we have.  Something most people couldn't identify with. We can have conversations about stuff that I couldn't have with women who have a baby with them. 

OK - so now I've got you up to speed, let me get to the point...  This morning as we sat next to each other worshipping our Lord, the thought crossed my mind that just 5 weeks ago, we were both pregnant. (and huge!)  Now here we sit and the babies we carried aren't with us.  At one point we were both crying and we sat there hand in hand through a song.  My heart thanked God for the friendship he has blessed me with because of Rachel.  Have I mentioned how unbelievably thankful I am for that child??  She was one of the best things that has ever happened to me... the other 4 are upstairs reading together. :o)  She has brought me so many blessings.  I would never go back to the days before her.  I wish she knew.

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I have really struggled with two things...you may want to sit down.  1) what if we're all crazy and heaven doesn't really exist and Rachel really is just dead in the ground?   2) what if this (anencepahly) happens to me again? 

Now I know that neither one of those sounds very Christian like or faithful...but nobody said I wasn't human.  I'm being honest, and although these are things I struggle with, I'm not looking for biblical answers...I do truly believe these things.  If you asked me before Rachel what I thought about these things, I could have given a sure, strong answers... Yes, heaven is real, Yes babies go there, and don't fear, God will get you through it even if it does happen again. I mean, look how He's carried you this time, you'll be fine.

Easy to say... before you've lost a baby to anencephaly.  Not so easy to say now.  I know I'm supposed to trust His plan entirely - and you all know I do, but what if it's his plan to make me do this twice?  How would I not be mad at him?  How would my heart survive?  I think I could possibly die from a broken heart.  I would still do it again over not having another baby.  I would rather have another baby like Rachel any day than no baby at all.  Either way, my arms would be empty, but with no baby at all I would forfeit all the blessings, joy and love that a baby brings - even if only for 43 minutes.  But do I want to do that again...no way.

I continually ask the Lord to prove to me that Rachel is with him, and the awesome thing about my great God is that he does.  Not because he has to, but because he cares about my heart.  It doesn't make me feel better coming from another human, but from God... well, that's good news.

So, this morning, I was praying again for him to show me that she is with him (as if He hasn't already done that!) and no joke about 5 seconds later the song ended and Steph, who was leading worship, started talking about Zephaniah 3:17 - except she quoted it wrong... (sorry Steph!)  She said "The verse says that God dances over us" and immediately I pictured Rachel dancing with her Father in heaven.  I sat down with my bible to read the verse, which is when I realized that it says "singing" - and I know she knows that too cause in 2nd service she said "singing" - but during 1st service, right after I prayed, she "said the wrong word" hmmm...what a coincidence.  Thank you God.

The subtitle for that section is "Joy in God's Faithfulness" and it reads:

Sing, O daughter of Zion! Shout, O Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem!
The LORD has taken away your judgments, He has cast out your enemy.
The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst; You shall see[a] disaster no more.
In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: “ Do not fear; Zion, let not your hands be weak.
The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”

I am always careful to not take God's Word out of context... but this morning, I know He was using this (and Steph's "typo") to calm my fears... She IS in heaven.  He IS with me and he IS mighty to save.  He will continue to quiet me with his love.  I will NOT see this "disaster" again.

Joy in God's faithfulness...  He is faithful, even to my heart that is prone to wander.  Even through my disbelief and doubt... through my questions and in my fear.  He is faithful.  That is where I find my joy.

So, to sum it up... I hate the radio, am thankful for Denise and LOVE God.  Told you this post would be all over the place.  I think I'm entitled to a few crazy posts right now.  I'll try not to make a habit out of it :o)

PS - Matt just brought me over a coffee and the mug he gave me has the verse that we put on the cards we handed out at Rachel's service...

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1

Hmm... what a coincidence.  Thank you God.

Playground Update!

Rachel's playground is well on it's way!  We're up to $4,255 already, $5,745 to go - and that is before any fundraising! (and we have some fun ideas!)  I cannot believe how generous everyone has been and am so excited to see how God is pulling this all together.  The donations just keep coming in.  I can hardly keep up with the thank you notes!  Rachel is one amazingly loved little girl.  I am so proud and so humbled all at the same time... proud of who she is and to be her Mama - and so humbled by God and the love of his people.  Thank you!  Here is the video I prepared for our "official announcement" at church today.  It has pictures of the Ark we'll be building.  My friend Denise has helped me to get things lined up with Learning Structures and did the formal announcement with me.  She has been such a good friend...another blessing God gave me through Rachel.

My Goodbye

This is the letter that I wrote for Rachel and read at her memorial service.  I wondered ahead of time if I would be able to get up in front of so many people (there were 150 people there!)  and open my heart like this... but I've learned along this path that the heart of a mother can endure just about anything for her baby. 
And so I did...

12 -9-10

My Sweet Baby girl,

I’ve been wanting to write you a letter for a long time now… I had hoped to write you a poem, something, anything to put my love for you into words. I just can’t seem to do it. I wanted to write you something really special for your service that would articulate to everyone here how much I love you. Every time I sat down to write, I got nothing. I just can’t put words to it. Every time I think about you and about this journey we’ve taken together, I am left utterly speechless. There’s no describing how amazing you are, how much God has accomplished through you in your short little life, or the difference you have made in this world, never mind in my heart. Words just don’t do you justice… and yet, I’m somehow supposed to be able to use them to tell you what you mean to me.


There are so many things I wish you knew. I wish you knew that I loved you from the moment I saw 2 pink lines on my home pregnancy test. I wish you knew that we were thrilled to be adding another addition to our family. I wish you knew what an amazing Daddy you have and how he gives great horsey back rides. I wish you knew the joy of playing with your sister and brothers. I wish you knew how many people love you and how many hearts have been changed because of you- I wish you knew how many people knew Jesus because of you.


I wish you knew that when we found out about you having anencephaly, there was never a choice for us. We never questioned, even once at all, if we would keep you or not. God gave you to us and we accepted His amazing gift with thankful hearts. We were never disappointed by you. We were never ashamed of you. The day we found out, Daddy & I cried a lot - and that day, we made a decision to trust God in His plan and to make the most out of every second we have with you. I tried to tell you these things while we were together, but always wondered if you could really hear me. I took my chances and told you everything I could. I know you played with your sister & brothers in your own way. They love you so much Rachel. I love that you made your personality known and that even inside my womb, we knew you liked to eat caramel and that you loved to dance. You twirled all around and always reminded me you were there. You seemed to always want my attention…and believe me you had it. You had my heart and you always will. You gave me a deeper understanding of what truly matters in this life. You taught me how to love and hope without reservation and without conditions. To be able to love unconditionally, expecting nothing in return. I have given of myself sacrificially for you, yet humbly thanking God for the gift of your life and the opportunity to nurture and care for you.


And although I was under the impression that you had nothing to give me in return, the last 5 days have shown me how wrong I was. You, my dear child, have given me more than I could have ever even thought was possible. The things I have received from you are not things that can be taken from me. They are pure joy, happiness, hope and a deeper relationship with our Lord. 9 months and 43 beautiful minutes with you… I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I am so glad I got to meet you Rachel. I am so honored that God chose me to carry such an amazing little girl. He could have picked anyone. I’m so thankful He picked me.


As I say goodbye to you today, my heart longs to hear it’s not true. My life will never be the same. I will miss you every day of my life until I see you again in heaven.


But until then, as you stand in awe of our Mighty God and worship Him… dance, baby girl!

----------------------------

It was 2 am the night before her service when I finished this letter.  I did her video and this letter (both of which I had planned for a couple of months!) in the last hours right before her funeral.  I was in such a fog from the shock of it all that I struggled to stay focused.  And nothing was ever really going to be good enough.  Not for my girl... it's been such a long, hard road.

The two most painful moments in my life;  Closing the casket the last time and leaving her at the cemetery.  It went against every single fiber of my heart and soul.  To look back and see the pain on my face reminds me of how deep this pain truly is.  Oh, how I wish I could touch her nose to mine again.

closing her casket

One last kiss

Can someone please tell me this isn't really happening?

New Years Eve - Thankful for 2010

A few things about New Years Eve... 1.  It marks the anniversary (9 years ago!) of me & Matt's first date. :o)  2.  It marks the anniversary (3 years ago) of the day Alice died (Rachel's middle name is after her...a dear friend)  3. Today marks the 4 week anniversary of Rachel's birthday...

I can't believe 4 weeks have gone by already, and on the other hand I can't believe all the things I have had to do in the last 4 weeks....give birth, say goodbye to my girl, put on a funeral service, recover from major surgery, pull Christmas together for my other children, visit my baby at the cemetery, and even fend off some negativity from people who don't like how I have done all that. (it's unbelievable, but true)

What a month. 

Matt had the day off today and we went to see Rachel.  My mom had bought these pretty pink, heart shaped balloons that have Rachel's name and the year on them for her birthday party at the hospital - and they wouldn't let us use them...so we have them left over. Because of the snow, her name plate and things at her grave keep getting covered over, so I came up with the idea to use her name balloons to mark her spot throughout the winter. That way even if it snows, her name will still show.  I'm going to bring a new one each week so it stays in the air.  I can't wait to get her stone put in.  It's going to be beautiful...until then, I'll make the most of what I have.  I'm learning to be really good at that.

We went down today and when we got there, there was a note left for Rachel:

Elisha lives in PA and was visiting family in NH.  I am so thankful that she & her husband took the time to come visit and pray with my girl.  I was so blessed to see this... people remembering her... visiting her...  loving her...  it's awesome.

We wrote her name in the snow...

I also brought her some of the flowers Shannan sent us for Christmas. One for each week we've been without her.  I really impressed myself with this one... I used a funnel to hold the flowers up so they will live longer than laying them on the ground.  I filled the underneath with snow so they'll have something to drink :o)  Hopefully the wide bottom will keep them from falling over.  I patted down the snow around them too.

As I messed with the snow, I said "this is good snow for a snowman - we should make her one." and my amazing husband started rolling up snow bare handed.  He's such a good Daddy.  The kids got some sticks and made it's arms & nose... it was cute. 

                                             Almost as cute as our kids!  Not quite. :o) 

So, this morning at 10:27am, exactly 4 weeks to the minute since we welcomed our 4th child into this world, we were bringing balloons to her grave.  God has carried us in an amazing way.  While I was fixing the flowers up, I looked up at Matt in tears and cried "Does she know we're here...does she know we're doing this for her?"  He shrugged and said "I don't know"  We both just returned to what we were doing and we continued on...  what else can we do?  If she does know, I hope her heart is singing...if she doesn't know, well, at least mine is.

I went to my friend Heathers to get my hair cut tonight, picked up dinner on the way home and when I got here, Matt had the table set (including our wedding glasses) and a candle going... we ate together and hung out (Desirae is gone at her first New Years Party!  I can't believe how big she is!)  I'm now blogging and Matt is snuggled up on the couch next to me asleep.  Des is out with good friends we can trust and rely on and will be home after midnight, and although I thought I might need to be woken up when they got here, it's obvious my mother's heart will not rest until she's safe in her bed. :o)  Being a mom - the hardest job you'll ever love.

I love my life... the good and the bad.  It doesn't get much better than this.  For as hard as this year has been, I wouldn't change it for anything.  I am so thankful even for the trial.  It has made me a better person, brought Matt & I closer together and deepened our love, and made my children stronger.  Our family is better because of Rachel.  Who we were as individuals and together 10 months ago doesn't compare to what God has done in us through this. 

When we are weak, He is strong.  Oh, how weak we have been... and oh, how Strong he has shown himself.  Thank you Jesus for a journey of grief and joy in 2010.  Thank you for choosing me to carry Rachel.  Thank you for carrying me as I did.  I never thought I would truly be thankful for this road.  I remember writing in my first email announcing Rachel was sick "As much as we don't want to drink from this cup, we are surrendering to whatever God has for us in it"  Wow... the blessing of surrender.  Only a month out and I can truly say I am thankful... I might be saying it through tears, but I am.

May you have a blessed 2011, filled with the joy and peace that only the Lord can give.  We love you!

Prayer Request for Rachel's Auntie

So, I'm feeling like a really bad sister for not posting this prayer request sooner... some of you know that my little sister...OK, she's almost 30 (yeah, that's right Meg...30) but she's still little to me.  Anyway, she has Crohn's Disease.  It has been really bad lately (technically for about 3 years, but who's counting) and she is in constant pain.  She is in the ER for the 2nd time in just over a week.  She is really sick and it never gets better.  She had an appt for an exam scheduled and it turned out to be the day of Rachel's service, so she canceled it. (and, of course, never told me about it)  Now she has to wait till the end of January.  Please pray for her healing...pray for the doctor's wisdom in her treatment...pray for her pain control...pray that God will give her endurance and energy for this never ending battle and that her Crohn's will go into remission.   thanks.  

The Painfully Real Club

I got the photos from Rachel's service back today.  Our friend Luke took them for us, and just like all his pictures, they are beautiful. (more coming soon) This photo was taken at the cemetery during Rachel's committal service... you would never know by looking at us, but this was the first time we ever met...

Ruth and her husband John have lost two boys to anencephaly.  She heard about Rachel and came to her service.  I was standing above Rachel's casket when Ruth approached me... and when she said "I know how hard this is for you"...  well, she really knew.  It's an "exclusive club", as they called it at the hospital.  Unless you have lost a child, it really is impossible to completely understand.  Today, she sent me an email and I wanted to share what she wrote. (you know how much I love analogies!)  Don't worry, I asked first.  You need not fear that if you send me an email, I'll blog it :o)  She wrote:

I remember reading the Velveteen Rabbit to my kids thinking how true the description was to what I was becoming;


"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him


Like the Velveteen Rabbit, becoming real for me has been a painful bittersweet process.... but I'll always love my boys.

What you have done for your girl Rachel is painful and yet you are becoming even more beautifully real - ( please pardon me for evaluating your growth after knowing you for such a short time - but you are beautiful in your sorrow). What you have done for your girl. Love, Ruth

Does "real" have to be so painful?

Footprints in the Snow

I have noticed that every time in the last few weeks that I have had a huge smile on my face, it is because these three beautiful blessings are bringing me joy. I am reminded of a quote from Kahlil Gibran:

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

I know how much joy she would have brought me... I know it because, even in 9 months and 43 minutes, the blessing of just knowing her melted my heart. I would love to watch her do the things that I get to see my other three do... I mean, seriously, look at them! They are awesome. Watch Sam - I almost think this could be America's Funniest Video material... I stopped it about 2 seconds too soon cause he climbed up on me and said "Cheese!"

I would give anything to watch her play with them...

Today I had to bring Isaiah for his 4 year check up. (shots!) He was brave and definitely deserved an ice cream when we were done! I got him & Des ice cream, Sam some nuggets (he's allergic to milk - poor boy) and me a coffee and we went to visit Rachel. Her grave was covered again with snow, so I got out my shovel... who would have ever thought that would become a permanent thing in my van?... and I started clearing off her tree and angel. The cemetery looked so pretty all fresh with snow. I felt like a good Mama, shoveling off her things as I told her over and over how much I love her... and then reality hit me... my baby is gone - and I started crying. Her spot is down in the back of the cemetery and I was pretty sure nobody could hear me, but I was also pretty sure I didn't care. I released my "proud Mama" stance and my shoulders dropped, my head hung down and the tears started flowing as I wept for my girl.

Isaiah, being his sweet self, got out of the van and asked why I was crying. I told him I miss Rachel and he asked if he could help me. I handed him the shovel and he started digging away the snow. We cleared her spot and got back in the van. He said "Rachel's so cute, it's too bad she can't ride in the van with us". I looked back as we were leaving and I could see my little boy's footprints in the snow, coming away from his little sister's grave. All I could think was it's just not fair...

My Healing Begins

I finally removed my "pregnancy ticker" that was on my blog counting the days until Rachel was born. It was hard to do... felt like part of letting go of my dreams for my baby. Now all that's left is the "since we said goodbye ticker" - counting the days since we had to let her go.


I had posted back in August about a plant I found while we were on vacation in Maine… If you don’t remember it, check the August post (listed on right side of blog) It was called “Bittersweet Crown of Thorns” after the name of the plant that I bought in Rachel’s honor. That was one of the many times throughout this journey that God has brought details together in such a way that I could not doubt his presence - and I SO needed it right then.

The plant was beautiful, with tiny yellow flowers on it - but had these huge thorns underneath all it’s beauty that I didn’t notice until I got up close. It was so symbolic of my journey with Rachel… such beauty, such pain… just like the crown of thorns that Jesus wore.

A few weeks after I wrote that post, my friend Anne who had lost her daughter Rose to anencephaly the year before, sent me another plant like it in the mail. This one had red flowers and was so full and pretty. I told her on the phone how I was worried I was going to kill it since I’m not really so great with plants. (I’m a wanna-be plant person.) The one I had bought on vacation was dying slowly and I couldn’t seem to fix it. All you could see at this point was it’s thorns. All the leaves had fallen off, along with the flowers.

1 week before Rachel was born, the red one starting wilting, too. When I came home from the hospital, each day I was pulling another 15-20 dead leaves off this plant. It’s flowers were all gone. It’s thorns were sticking out and that was all you could see. I was so upset… these were supposed to have their best blooms in the winter… they were supposed to bring a smile to my face in remembrance of Rachel… and they were failing miserably. Unfortunately, this was again symbolic of where I was at in my journey with Rachel… The beauty had faded and the pain of the thorns was all I could see. She was gone, my little flower and all I had left was my crown of thorns, the pain.

On Christmas eve as I prepared my heart to endure Christmas without my baby, I noticed my plants… Now I ask you, is God not amazing?? He knows I watch these plants like a hawk… He knows if he speaks to me in this way, I’ll hear him. He knows me and he meets me where I’m at. It’s unreal. I took one look at my plants and I knew…

God is going to heal my heart. The crown of thorns I’m surrounded by WILL turn into beauty. He will heal me from the inside out. This plant has been nothing but bare thorns for weeks - the hardest weeks of my entire life. The thorns in my journey with Rachel have been there all along, there’s no denying that. But they have never been the focus. They have been underneath the beauty. In the weeks after her death, no matter how hard I tried I was not going to be able to avoid them - nor would that be healthy for me to do or aid me in my healing. I have had to face them and even feel their prick. I have also had to keep watering them, even though they looked as though it was no use.

And now, as I put one foot in front of the other, my healing begins. It’s going to be a slow process, but my God is amazing. He will make leaves grow and flowers bloom until you have to look really closely to see the thorns.


This is my plant while we were on vacation in Sept... yes, I take pictures of everything.  (Jill, I was on the phone with you when I took this - trying to get care instructions!) God had spoken to me so loudly through it that I knew He wasn't done... just didn't know how much so.



This is it now.  It's been bare for so long (worse than this!!) and now has big leaves coming out the top.   I think when God is done, it will be even more beautiful than before.  Again, symbolic of my journey with Rachel



This is the one Anne gave me... it used to be SO full, really pretty...lots of flowers.  All that's left is one 1/2 dead flower at the top and thorns... but there are new buds on every stem!  I discovered this on Christmas Eve, right before Anne came over!  (such a "coincidence"!)

I've Started my Book!

Well, as you have requested... I have officially started my book!  I sat down this morning, before my computer crapped out for the day (It just came back on, I'm assuming because it's STILL snowing!! - did I say I was thirsty?) and I started going through my blog posts from August.  I figure I'll use my posts as my outline.... wow, that was emotional.  The past 5 months have been almost unbearable.  The pain is indescribable. 

As I read some of my words, I was reminded of how much I have been through.  I was brought back to the times when I didn't know the pain of the losing Rachel... only the pain of waiting for the loss, and that was extremely hard too.  I am such a different person now that I almost feel like I'm reading someone else's words...if that makes any sense.  All I can say is it's been a tough road.

Just weeks after we found out Rachel had anencephaly, it was on my heart to eventually write a book.  Since then, I have been told hundreds of times by so many people that I should write a book...  well, there's only one way to do that... start.  So, I'm starting and am asking for your prayers as I do. 

Back at the beginning of my journey, I found great comfort in reading the stories of other people who have been there - people who understood me like nobody else.  My heart's desire for this book is that Rachel's Legacy will continue to help people, to bring healing, to bring hope.  Her short life has changed mine forever.  Her beauty and His strength have revived my soul day after day as I have walked this path set before me... and I want to tell the world.  I want everyone to know that my daughter was amazing and our God is my refuge.

My goal is to continue to share the gift of Rachel's life and what our great God is capable of - to let her light shine...  This has been my purpose since August 4th.  This is my calling as Rachel's Mama... I pray that I don't let her down.

And then it Snowed...

We're getting a snow storm tonight... The night of Rachel's birthday it snowed. I remember being up in the middle of the night holding her, still surrounded by God's incomprehensible peace. I looked out the window and there was snow falling softly outside. I wish I never had to let her go... tonight the snow has just started. It looks similar out my window as it did that night. While the memory with my girl is a sweet one, it leaves my heart yearning to hold her again. My entire being feels heavy and I am praying for God to sustain me. God gave me two verses this morning, before the snow came and I understood why, that I'm clinging to tonight...

Let us acknowledge the Lord, let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear, he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.

Hosea 6:3

This I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23

I didn't go to church this morning. I needed to just be home, plus Sam was at the ER all night again last night with Matt (poor boy) and he was better off home too, so we hang out here while Matt, Des & Isaiah went.

I just had Des reading me the verses above as I typed and Matt overheard us and came in...He told me they sang "that" song (written with the Hosea verse in mind) this morning at church. It says:

As Certain as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, As certain as the dawn appears. You'll come, let your Spirit fall as you respond to us... Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again.. You'll come, You'll come...


My soul is thirsty... He is the only One that can satisfy that thirst... and He promises me He will. Just another confirmation that God has his hand on our family... while they were at church singing the words, God gave me the verse here.... and then it snowed.

Merry Christmas Pretty Girl

This morning went really well with the kids.  Desirae is so sweet, she left me a note in my stocking with one of Rachel's blankets that said "I left Rachel's blanket in your stocking so you might feel a little better" - she's more thoughtful than some adults in our lives... I don't know what I would do without my children to keep me smiling.  They bring me so much joy.

Today was Rachel's due date.  Christmas will always remind me of her. She definitely was part of our day - she will be part of every day of my life for the rest of my life.  The day went better than could be expected, on the outside.  On the inside, it was tough for both me & Matt.  Our good friend, Donna showed up this morning with a basket of gifts for me and told me she was at Rachel's grave at midnight to visit when it turned Christmas.  It meant so much to know Rachel is loved and to know that people are visiting her - and that she was remembering the days that are important to us and why.  I asked if her tree was still lit up and she said it was... that made me happy.

I was so thankful that I saved some of the gifts we received in the mail for this morning.  We got a couple ornaments that I love...This one was special because it includes "baby Aube" and Rachel.  It's hard to believe that we have 5 children!  And always nice when somebody acknowledges that.  In a world where babies are all too often dismissed as "just a clump of cells", it can be awkward to celebrate a baby we never met, but it was no less our baby.  (I think we need to give that baby a name!) This ornament definitely made me smile.  I am so sad to say, that I have no idea who it's from...it got separated from the card and I thought I would remember and I don't!  My mind is not what it used to be right now.  It's frustrating. Can you let me know if you gave this to us? 

This one, well, I cried a lot... It's from our friend from Try-City Christian Academy, Mrs. Guptill...  They own Hampshire Pewter and sent us this beautiful ornament that is so meaningful - for more reasons than she (or anyone else) really understand.  I know that God was speaking to me through her in this ornament, reassuring me of the truth of Rachel's life.  If you have a chance, read my old post "Breathless" and that will probably sum it up.  I still don't dare to re-read that post.  I'm afraid I might start crying and never stop.  Some things I'm still avioding since falling apart at the seams would make it difficult to live.  I hope some day I don't feel so raw, but for now, it's just the way it is.  Anyway, Rachel definitely took our breath away...she was amazing.  She is amazing. It says "Rachel Alice, 43 Beautiful and Unforgetable Minutes (that's what I put on the programs at her service) You took our breath away - 12/3/10"  Yep, I cried.  Thank you Kathy.  We love you.

We went to the cemetery to visit Rachel and see her tree lit up at night.  It's hard to get a good picture of a tree with lights - I don't feel like this picture does it justice, but here's my best try - it was very dark by the time we got there.  As we drove off, I could see her little tree from a distance.  It felt so wrong leaving her there on Christmas...the day she was due... my heart broke again.  This is so hard.  I like to think it will get better with time.  I don't think it will ever get easy, just different.  As time goes on, I won't "move on", I'll just figure out how to be Rachel's mom in a different way.  I'd like to know why God would make me endure this... but I trust Him so I'm not going to ask.  Plus, then I might get mad at Him and I need Him now more than ever.

Merry Christmas Pretty Girl.  I miss you.