Surviving Another Anniversary

Tough night tonight.  should be sleeping, but my mind won't shut off.  My heart is so heavy.  Tomorrow (today) is a year since we buried my girl.  And it's also a Friday.  I'll need extra prayers to get through this day. 

This day, unlike her birthday, holds nothing but deep sorrow and heart wrenching pain in my memory.  Her service was beautiful and I made it through the day alive, but that night I had to force myself to stay home...I just wanted to go back and dig her up.  It felt so wrong to put my baby in the ground.  I filled in the funeral home book like it was a baby book, obsessing over every detail as if she would someday read it.  And I cried all night long.

Some days surviving was all I could do.  Some days it still is.  Today is one of them.

Always Something There to Remind Me

Driving this morning, I switched to a station I never listen to cause I was tired of commercials and busy talk.... Listening to the chorus, I hated the fact that a sappy break up song can remind me of my sweet daughter, but there I was crying as if the song was written for us.  It's by Naked Eyes and goes like this:

I walk along the city streets
You used to walk along with me,
And every step I take reminds me
Of just how we used to be.


Oh, how can I forget you, girl
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me


When shadows fall, I pass a small cafe
Where we would dance at night
And I can't help recalling how it
Felt to kiss and hold you tight


Oh, how can I forget you, girl
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me


I was born to love you, and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me


If you should find you miss the sweet
And tender love we used to share
Just go back to the places where we used to go,
And I'll be there


Oh, how can I forget you, girl
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

I was born to love you, and I will never be free
You'll always be a part of me


'Cause there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

Tonight was a *really* rough night - Asa doesn't want to be put down and has started holding his breath if I let him cry alone for more than a minute - meaning if I don't go right to him, I find him purple and not breathing... an all too familiar appearance that I just can't handle.  Desirae has been grouchy from spending the last couple of evenings out with friends and staying up too late - and tonight she is out again at music, which means that Matt has been out every night this week too, leaving me having to do bedtime and no break at all.  Sam has decided that he likes to scream...happy, sad, excited, mad, wanting something different... they all require screaming in his mind.  While putting him to bed, I listened to both him and Asa scream like crazy until I was crying, too.  And my Isaiah... well, he fell down the stairs earlier, while trying to ride a pillow down.  Our stairs are wood and extremely steep.  I saw him tumble down and his life flashed before my eyes... I was instantly in tears, even though he was completely fine, because I just can't handle anything else happening to any of my kids. 

One would probably think that I'm so busy that it would be a good distraction from my grief...you know the people who say if you do this or that it will "get your mind off of 'it'" - well, that has yet to work around here with this scenerio being one of the more laid back nights.  I had already thought of Rachel myself a dozen times since dinner, but then as I was bringing Isaiah to bed, he stopped at the top of the stairs and said:

"When are we gonna have another baby?"
"Another baby?  We just had a baby."
"But I want another one"
"oh, you do...."
"I want to feed two babies at once...and then when Rachel comes back, we can feed three babies at once"
"Yeah, that sounds awesome Zay... let's get you into bed...."

There is always something there to remind me.

She Never Will

December 6, 2010.... the dreaded day when I had to leave the hospital empty handed.  They wheeled me out to the car and popped the trunk to put in Rachel's memories and I caught a glimpse of the car seat that we brought "just in case she beat the odds."  There are no words to describe what I felt at that moment.

One day short of 3 weeks later, I received what in this post I referred to as my "best Christmas gift ever" - Rachel's social security number.  I forgot, until I read that post today, that just before the funeral home left with her, the woman from medical records told me that I would get a ss card in the mail for her.  I was so excited I yelled "she's getting a number?!" and everyone cheered.  It was a happy moment in my sorrow... she was alive and they were acknowledging it - And at a time when I was dealing with the pain of my first Christmas without her... it came just 2 days before Christmas.

The next time I was pushed in a wheel chair was on November 15, 2011 and I made sure to capture the memory...

This was just 2 hours after Asa was born and they were moving me to the Mother and Baby floor - a floor I never went to after Rachel.  When I sat down in that wheelchair and they put my baby in my arms, two things happened....I was finally released from the anticipation over whether this moment would ever come to be; overwhelmed with gratitude for a safe delivery and a healthy, live baby.... and I saw the vision of the car seat in the trunk flash through my mind.  That picture will always be etched in my memory as clear as if I were looking at a photograph.

As they rolled me down the halls, I held him close as I felt my eyes fill up with tears.  I didn't dare to look up for fear that my ride with my baby might bring another mama without hers pain.

Today, 3 weeks later, I opened my mailbox to find an envelope addressed to Asa Francisco Aube.... his social security card.  I stood there staring at it for what felt like a while.  I looked over at him, sleeping in his little hammock.  I saw his chest rise and as he breathed the air back out, he let out a squeaky sigh and squirmed around in that newborn way.

And all I could think about was Rachel... her number... the day I opened the letter addressed to Rachel Alice Aube and the excitement it brought to me.  I remember exactly where I stood when I opened it, everything about that moment.  I thought about the idea that someday he'll sign his card....but she never will.  Someday he'll use it to open a bank account, to buy a house, on his marriage license, on his children's birth certificates....  she never will. 

I sank my face into my hands and cried. 

I know she's not missing out on anything here, but I can't help but be reminded of all I'm missing out on without her.  However, even in these moments when I'm so heart broken over all the "could-have-been," as her mama, I'm still thankful that it's me who feels this pain and that she never will.

A Vision of Hope

I got an email from my friend Niki yesterday....  she asked if I saw the rainbow on Rachel's birthday at 3:30.  I hadn't because I was at home having cake - and I couldn't see it in the picture she sent either.

I see the huge sun, the blue sky.....but no rainbow.  I searched this picture for minutes cause I really wanted to see the rainbow, but I couldn't.  I emailed back and asked if there was one in this picture at all.

She sent me a close up....

OK, I'm seeing the bit of red on the outside of that hole in the clouds, but was still thinking that I wanted  to see one more than there was actually one there.  (just call me Thomas)

And then I got the next close up....

And there it is....a rainbow, visible only because of a tiny hole in the clouds.... on a day with not a drop of rain to be found.  And if you look at the first picture, as well as the ones we took at the cemetery just an hour and a half earlier, you'll see that there were hardly even any clouds to be seen that day.

So I ask you, are you really surprised that God would send a rainbow on her birthday?  I'm not.  It happened at 7:00 pm on the day we finished her playground too.  I see the vision of Hope in the most unexpected places.

My faith has been at an all time low lately.  I believe that God is sovereign, but that only brings comfort if I believe wholeheartedly that He loves me with an everlasting love.  And that is where I've struggled.  But knowing full well that the sky was not rainbow material on her first birthday, I believe that this rainbow is just another way that God has shown me that He is in every detail.  He hasn't forgotten me.  And in a way, I feel like this tiny hole in the clouds is kind of like the mustard seed we hear of in the bible....

It's small, but His promise is there.... and if I can just see it, recognize it, claim it as a gift from Him because He loves me.... I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

And so maybe faith isn't as hard as I feel like it is lately.  Maybe I've complicated it.  Maybe having faith is more about saying "I know He love me" then it is about saying "I know everything will go well".  I mean, isn't that what He showed on the cross?   I can only imagine how Mary felt that day as she said goodbye to her son and had to surrender to God's will for Him.

Sometimes I feel like the whole earth is full of blue skies, except for the dark clouds looming right above me.  I know the size of the Powerful Son, and yet feel like that light and warmth is for everyone else.... like He's too far in the distance to make a difference in my reality.

But when I can see the rainbow through the clouds, even if only through a tiny hole....I know He's there and I know He loves me.

Matthew 17:20

Afterward the disciples asked Jesus privately, "Why couldn't we cast out that demon?"

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move.

Nothing will be impossible for you

Temporary Home

Today is the day one year ago that I had to let my baby leave the hospital with someone else - and I couldn't go too.

Excruciating Pain.
The hardest day of my life.
I still remember everything about that room.
I was sitting on the bed, Rachel on my lap, trying to dress her perfectly.  I put her "love to twirl" outfit on her (Kim had brought up a new one because the preemie one we had was too small) and I fixed her little cross necklace just right.  They gave me a moses basket to put her in and patiently waited for me to get her ready.  I put her hat on and gave them instructions to make sure they didn't let it fall off.
I swaddled her in the blanket that Des made her, it matches the one I sleep with.
I put her little lamb in with her.
They took her, promised to be gentle with her, and slowly left the room.
I fell apart there in that hospital bed, my heart being ripped from my chest.
I saw Kim quietly walk out to give us privacy.
The door closed behind them.
And that was it.  She wasn't mine anymore.  She was gone. 
I would never hold her again.

By this time last year, all the disappointments I had from her birth were starting to sink in....  and I was angry.
They gave me meds to help me sleep and I was glad to have a way to escape for a while....
if only for a while.

That day started the hardest journey I would ever take.
The most painful days I would ever endure
The constant misunderstanding I would have to face from others
The judgement I would be under from so many who think weeping and mourning are due to lack of faith.
The loneliness that grief and loss bring
The never ending ache of empty arms and a hole in my heart that cannot be filled by anyone else.
So many tears....most cannot fathom how deep the wound.

As we left the cemetery yesterday, the song on the radio was singing (I made some changes)

Old man (baby girl), Hospital bed
the room is filled with people (s)he loves
And (s)he whispers "don't cry for me, I'll see you all someday"
(s)he looks up and says "I can see God's face"

This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home.

I felt her singing it to her Mama's heart.  Part of me found comfort in that for Rachel...  this was her temporary home.  She's home now where she belongs.  The other part of me felt really discouraged for me because this life is hard.  I tried to have that "happy heavenly perspective" and feel good that I'll be there someday... but the truth is that I feel like it's too far away and I feel too weary to handle the day in and day out of the trials of this life until that day comes.

I have to say, that in my humanness, it would be a lot easier for me to believe she was somewhere else if her precious, sweet, little body that I knew so well wasn't in the cold, hard ground.

I do believe it, don't get me wrong, but I wonder why, when God took her from me in spirit, He couldn't have just had her whole body fly up to heaven too... wouldn't that make it so much easier to rest in? 

And I guess that's why they call it faith.  And nobody said faith was easy.

Heb 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see

2 Cor. 5:7
We walk by faith, not by sight

She Has Been My Delight

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight

Kahlil Gibran

When my eyes opened bright and early to my little Asa wanting to nurse, the first thought on my mind was that it was Rachel's birthday.... I stopped to asses how that made me feel.... I felt okay.  I looked down at Asa and for the first time since I've had him, I felt the healing he is bringing me.  I was so thankful to have him to hold and love today.

I realized this week that part of why my grief seemed to hit another low spot was because while I was pregnant, (I know this is going to sound bad) I sometimes got Rachel and Asa confused, as did Isaiah.  I would forget that I wasn't pregnant with her anymore and sometimes accidentally call him Rachel.  Once I had him, I stopped having moments of feeling like she was still with me - and so the wound felt so fresh. Sometimes Isaiah still accidentally calls Asa, Rachel... and my heart skips a beat.

I've been feeling bad lately because since Asa arrived, I've only napped with Rachel's blanket a couple times.  But since I hadn't washed it all year, I didn't want it near Asa cause it wasn't clean enough for him - but I never planned to wash it at all.  I've slept with it every night since she left me.  I know by now, her scent and everything about her is gone from it anyway, but I just couldn't do it.  This morning, for her birthday, I took a big step and washed her blanket and teddy - but I washed them with Asa's blanket.  I figured that way all of Rachel on her blanket and all of the first sweet weeks with Asa on his blanket have now been combined - and now her blanket is safe to have with us while we sleep.  These are the mind games I have to play with myself to get myself to do simple everyday things.

This morning was really tough.  I was totally resentful that Matt wasn't here.  My mom & sister came to save the day, as usual, but I still got out of the house way later than I wanted to.  When we pulled into the cemetery, there were so many cars that I asked Matt if there was a funeral going on too.  When I realized that they were all there for Rachel, I started crying.  It was overwhelming to see that many people come out to support us. I think there were over 50 people there. We sang Happy Birthday to our baby girl and then released 43 balloons while Phil sang the song he wrote for her.  And as our tradition goes, we sent everyone home with a daisy in Rachel's memory. 

**In the pictures, you'll see a single red balloon that went up too early by accident.  Nat, that one was for Sebby!

After everyone left, I took a few moments at her grave.  I often squat down there, but I've never had the urge to touch the ground like today.  I put my hand on the ground, right over her grave.  I could picture her under there.... my heart aching and tears flowing... and I told her (whether or not she could hear me) that I love her, miss her and wish I could have kept her.  I kissed my fingers and planted my kiss on the ground above her - hating the fact that a couple feet of dirt keeps me from touching her.  I remembered her chubby legs and how it felt to hold her.  I hope those memories never fade.  I miss her so much.

We came back home and all the people, minus a few, that were there the day Rachel was born came to have cake and ice cream and coffee with us.  My friend Jenn from The Party Bees made Rachel's cake.  It was so pretty and tasted awesome.  I'm having seconds right now as I type with Asa in my lap :o)  Multi-tasking!   It was such a nice visit... totally laid back, not emotional - and even not really focused on Rachel.  But the nice thing about being with people who met her is that I don't need to tell them how amazing she was, they already know.  I don't feel like I need to tell them about her, they were there.  And I was totally comfortable sharing Asa with them because I know they KNOW there is no replacement for Rachel. 

I got on the computer and was bombarded with Happy Birthday wishes, prayers, and thinking of you's - such a blessing to my heart.  So many people still thinking of Rachel ♥

So, I've had a few tears fall today.... I'm a little nervous the midnight hours will be harder when I'm up all alone with Asa... but all in all, today has been way better than I ever expected.  The week leading up to today was horrible, but God met me today for sure - and that same peace He granted us on the day she was born, was with me today. 

Like I said at the cemetery, I don't believe she really knows about all the things I do for her...and I'm glad because the fact that she is spared from earthly pain (or even the awareness of MY earthly pain) makes me happy for her...as her mother, I want that for her.  I am just so thankful for all the people who have faithfully been there for us throughout this hard year.  We got so many cards, messages, prayers.... I don't know how I would make it through this without all of you.  I am really disappointed that only a couple people from my family and none of Matt's even acknowledged Rachel's birthday.  And so maybe the blessing of the support I get from all of you is magnified by how little we would have without you.  But either way, thank you.  Thank you for loving us... and thank you for loving our precious daughter....through a time when we have had so little to give, if anything, in return.  Please know how much we appreciate it and that nothing goes unnoticed.

It's been a long hard year without her.  I know my trial isn't over.  But I'm so grateful that today was a day of peace and joy....even in the midst of sorrow.

And along the path, there are big blessings in little things... 
My niece Jailyn made a card (I posted pics) that says:

Happy Birthday Rachel! 

Love you my cousin.  You will be part of my hert.  a big part.
I no you hafint met me realy - But I saw your face.  You were butiful.  Love, Jailyn

This sweet letter had me in tears immediately.  She is so precious and loves her cousin so much.  Kids are awesome.  She was one of the few people who got to hold Rachel and I'm so glad she did.

I also got a really nice note from Laura at String of Pearls and even a note from the Organ Bank (we weren't even able to donate her valves!) acknowledging Rachel's birthday/day we had to say goodbye.

Here are the pictures from today.  They're only missing one thing in my opinion.... the beautiful one year old we're celebrating and missing.  I would love to know what she would look like now.  What would she like/not like?  How would she fit into our family??  All things I'll never know...

And so as her birthday comes to a close, I'm a little uncertain of where I go from here.  I know that the more time that goes by, the less people will think of her and understand my sadness.  I don't think the journey is going to get easier any time soon and that scares me.  But the one thing I know is that I would endure this and more for that little girl any time.  Carrying her was my privilege, knowing her was my blessing, and loving her has been my delight.  That is why I weep - and I'm okay with that.

Happy Birthday Rachel Alice.  I'm so proud to be your Mama.  Love you sweet girl.

Burning In Rage

Today has been hard in every way possible.  My heart is screaming for a way out.  I've spent the day trying to pull together all the pieces for tomorrow and regretting the fact that I didn't do this stuff sooner.  I guess I've been in denial over the fact that this day was coming so soon.  And of course, as usual, I'm doing it all myself cause that's the way it goes around here.  Then tonight my husband informed me that he neglected to get the day off tomorrow (just a half a day) and that is a huge disappointment. 

So tonight, I put the "hope" sign up on my door that I put up the night before Rachel's birth...  You can see that post HERE - I read it and can't believe how excited I was to meet my girl.  I wish tonight I was getting ready to go meet her, hold her....that I could still have the hope of the chance at a day or two with her.

But as I hung that sign on my door tonight, I was sobbing.  I know the way it all played out... I've had 12 full months of the deepest pain I have ever felt...and I just want her back.  But she's not coming back.

I would still do it all over again.  Here's the song Phil Yoder wrote for her.  Kyla brought it to me last year the night before her birthday.  I didn't really relate to the "burn in rage" part last year....but today, it sums up how I feel regularly.  Yet last year, I had much more support... and this year, I'm more alone than ever.  Losing Rachel has been such an isolating experience for me, like a lot of moms who lose children, that I wasn't prepared for. 

Rachel’s Song

They’re all asking how I’m feeling
All I can say is how about you
How can I say how this pain is
Through my soul boring through

You see this life inside me now is
Destined to die in a day or two
How can I even make my way
So would you…

Chorus
Pick up these shoes and carry me a while
Lift up these hands and help me smile
Stay by my side as I burn in rage
And mingle your tears with mine, please stay

Oh baby girl you feel so close now
I do not want to let you leave
I haven’t even seen your face yet
I haven’t even heard you breathe

I want to touch your tiny fingers
I want to hear your beating heart
And even if for just one moment
I’ll make sure…

I know the time is coming near now
I cannot make it start or stop
I have to trust you have a plan now
I’m sure you understand my pause

I cannot understand the meaning
Why such beauty in such pain
All I can do is ask you this now
So would you…

scroll all the way down and pause music player first

Miss you sweet girl
just a couple minutes to go before your birthday - I can imagine it's been an amazing year for you.  I'm thankful for that.  Mama loves you.

What Else?

I was thrilled to have nothing on the calendar today except Des & Isaiah leaving for a couple of hours to go to gym class.  I figured I'd get my groceries done while they were gone and maybe even get an afternoon nap... and then I thought - wow, it's so nice out, I'll take them for a walk this morning.  I haven't been out for a walk since before Asa was born and it's been so warm around here that I thought we should take advantage of it. 

And so I packed my baby into my baby carrier (his "whole" head and all) and we left.  I was feeling like a good mom....for the moment...  We made it down to the end of our street, a whole block, before I tripped on Desirae's heel and fell down.

I tried to catch my balance and my hips were almost at a 90 degree angle as I took a couple big steps, trying to stay on my feet.  Because I was leaning so far forward,  Asa started to fall out of the top of the carrier.  In an attempt to keep him from smashing his head off the sidewalk, I threw myself sideways onto the pavement.  The moment went in slow motion, yet happened so fast that I wasn't even sure if he hit the ground or not.  Either way, I knew he had definitely been shaken like crazy and I JUST read a pamphlet on "Never shaking a baby!" yesterday!  Go figure. Now I can worry about his brain all night.... I know, silly me....I should just "relax".

Today when I fell and, for the first time since Asa's birth, needed to protect him and didn't really do a great job at it, I was so upset with myself.  I sat in this stupid mud puddle, on the side of the road, BAWLING like a baby not knowing if he was okay or not.  I would have liked to call my "encourager" from yesterday and tell her how accidents DO happen, even to "whole" babies....  ergh....  but along came a nice man with a little white dog - the kids held the dog (great distraction for them, they were wicked scared) while he helped me up and brushed the mud and leaves off of me.  I'm sure he thought I was crying a bit dramatically for someone who fell down - but I figured telling him about my last baby who died in my arms was probably not going to help me look less dramatic... I mean, seriously, talking about the effect that had on me yesterday (to another woman who has children and watched me walk the entire journey with Rachel) only made me look like I was trying to create a problem that in her mind didn't exist... so I let him think I was just plain crazy.  Like I said yesterday, it's not like my explanations ever help anyway.  So, if I'm gonna look crazy regardless, I might as well save my breath. Besides, at this point, I might fall into the "crazy" category.

I took Asa out of the carrier and carried him home in my arms...sobbing the whole way.... staring at him to see if he was as non-responsive as he appeared - or if he really did just SLEEP through that entire thing.  He never cried once.  I, on the other hand, was bleeding all over the place from a huge gouge on my arm and crying like crazy.  I called the doctor when I got here and brought him in to be checked and he looks fine.

Every time I thought about him falling for the next 3 hours, I cried.  I cried half the day yesterday over that dumb conversation, and now half the day today - and between that and minimal sleep, I'm looking real pretty, let me tell you.  But I actually don't even care.  Luckily, my beauty pageant isn't until the end of the month.

Dixie brought us dinner & dessert,  my mom came down so I could go grocery shopping and cleaned my house, and Millie kept the other two kids for the afternoon after gym class and brought them back after dinner. That was my "manna" today.  I SO needed the help.

Asa is starting to squirm in his seat and make his cute little newborn squeaks (more manna) - it's just about time for some Mama milk.   I should have just stayed home and snuggled with him on the couch this morning.  I really can't take much more at this point in my life.... and it always seems to get worse when I try to be super mom and do all those things that other people say I should be.  I have to let go of the expectations from others and myself.

I'm so thankful he's okay - and at the same time I'm scared that I'm not able to protect him like I want to. It's pretty bad when even walking is dangerous.   I guess it kind of reminds me of the week after we got Rachel's diagnosis....

I had met my mom at the park that day (me & the kids walked - you know, cause it's a 'good mom' thing to do!) and for the first time in my life at 31 years old, I got stung by a bee.  Then, while still all bent out of shape that I got stung, we started towards home and Desirae came inches away from getting hit by a car on her bike.  After I almost puked, I felt like I never wanted to leave the house again.... like I was having my baby taken from me and.... what else??  What else is going to go wrong?  Is God going to take another one of my kids too?  How much more can one person bear?

And as I sit here watching Asa sleep, my love for him overflowing so much my heart could burst, I can't help but ask "what else? - Is God going to take him too?"  The thought of it makes me want to puke and I feel like I never want to leave my house again.  How much more can one person bear?

This has been an unbelievably difficult week in every way possible.

DON'T ASK ME HOW I AM

The conversation went like this:

(my words in italics)
How's the baby doing?
He's good, he's amazing.
Is he sleeping?
Yeah, he sleeps good - I mean, he's still a baby and still up a lot, but he is pretty content.  Last night he gave me a 4 hour stretch.
Oh, and when that happens, we always get nervous that they stopped breathing and check on them... it's like 'you got some sleep, but I didn't'.
Well, I slept like a log, but I'm anxious like that all the time, not just at night.  Yesterday they told me he has a heart murmur and I got nervous...(interruption)
I was born with one, nothing to worry about
yeah, my pediatrician told me it was benign and I trust her so I feel okay about it now, but I still worry about if he's going to die sleeping in his swing...(interruption)
Because of a heart murmur?? (add totally confused tone of voice here)
No, just in general, I worry about him all the time.  After I had my baby die in my arms, it's hard not to.
Yeah, but that was different, she was a special situation.  He's whole and healthy so you have nothing to worry about, you need to just relax.
That's easy for you to say  (and I walked out as quickly as I could before I said anything I would regret)

Seriously?  It's acceptable to worry about your baby sleeping for 4 hours without experiencing a loss - BUT if you've lost an "unwhole" baby before then you should know that your new "whole" baby will be fine cause he has a head and therefore worrying about his well being is somehow more unfounded then the 1000's of other women, who have never lost a child, racing to their crib to check if their "whole" babies are still breathing when they first sleep for a long span of time.  UH HUH...  right, that makes sense.

I made it almost through the door before I was sobbing.  I stopped to talk to a friend who was in the lobby and this person came out to where we were.  Instead of saying sorry, this is what I got:

"I wasn't trying to hurt you with anything I said"
I know you weren't
"Well the way you turned on your heels and left, I got the impression I said something that offended you"
It's just that everybody thinks they know, but nobody really gets it  (Tears still flowing)
"Well, we might not get it but we're called to encourage each other and that's what I was trying to do"
and she turned and walked off.

OK,  first of all....doesn't matter what you were "trying" to do - obviously it wasn't "encouraging" to point out that Rachel wasn't whole or to dismiss my feelings and fears.  Just because her death was obviously coming doesn't mean that it makes no sense that I would worry more than normal now.  Babies who die from SIDS are "whole and healthy" - and it's nobody's fault that they die... you can't see it coming.  What do you say to those sweet mothers who have another baby and worry?  Or do you expect them not to either?  I suppose if they had "stronger faith" they wouldn't worry, right?   But the mother whose baby sleeps for 4 hours... oh yeah, that worry is 'called for' and acceptable.

Second of all, when you hurt someone, "I'm sorry" means a whole lot more than a bunch of lame excuses.  And if you really cared to encourage me, that's what would have been said when you realized that you did the exact opposite.  I'm sorry I hurt you rather than "I'm called to do this" with the attitude that I just took it wrong.  Jesus doesn't "call" anyone to be insensitive and uncompassionate.  Sorry, not from Him.  Nice try.

Third of all, my daughter was to "whole" and she wasn't a special "situation" she was my flesh and blood whom I love dearly and would give my life for.  I would like it if people could refer to her as such - not some "thing" that is over now.

Fourth - sometimes it's good to just admit that you don't know it all... that maybe you have NO freaking clue how something might feel for someone instead of ASSUMING you know and callously telling them how they should respond to such a situation.  AS. IF. YOU. KNOW.  - YOU DON'T.  You have NO CLUE.  And no matter how "right" or "accurate" or even "biblical" what you're saying is.... if you aren't concerned with how people feel, you should NOT ask them how they are doing.  And if you don't care how they FEEL, then don't play like you're trying to encourage them when what you're doing is trying to exhort at a totally inappropriate time.

And last but not least, DO NOT ASK ME HOW I AM EVER AGAIN.  From now on, that is a question I refuse to answer.  I honestly can't believe I was stupid enough to enter into that conversation to begin with.  but I won't make that mistake again.  And as a matter of fact, I'm done answering that question to anyone.

I left there and went to pick Isaiah up from school and someone said "Hi, how are you" and I said
"I've decided I'm not answering that question anymore" *smile*

I might sound (and look) crazy, but you know what?  Who cares??   I end up being the crazy one anyway cause everyone has their excuses and their opinion on my reactions - and I'M ALWAYS THE BAD GUY.  So I'm done.  Nobody really cares to *really* know anyway...  they want a "things are great" and if you have anything else to say, they are probably not even really listening cause they are already getting their spiritual answer ready to fire.  F- that.  I'm so sick of it.  Oh how I wish I was the kind of person who didn't mind putting on a plastic face for people.  Especially in a world - and even a church - where that is what people prefer.  It would be easier for everyone, I guess.

I might be telling you about this one conversation today - that has very obviously put me over the edge (I started off this part of my journey on the brink of a breakdown as it was...)  - but THIS IS MY LIFE.... MY CONSTANT INTERACTIONS....AND REALLY REALLY REALLY OLD.  It's everywhere... church, my in-laws, "friends", people out in public.... I'm so sick of it that I can't even find the word to properly describe it.  Digging a grave next to my daughter, jumping in and burying myself alive sounds better than having to endure one more heartless and judgemental conversation.  And since that's obviously not an option, I am done entertaining any more stupid conversations with people just to be polite.  Especially this week as I approach my girl's anniversary.   I'm done nodding and smiling.  done.

AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I WANT TO BE ALONE??  Wow.  Yeah, can't imagine why I wouldn't want to deal with this s*#%.  As if I don't have enough things to cry about and deal with.  I think I have officially gotten completely over caring about people's opinions on what I do and how I handle this all.  And the day that you have to walk a mile in my shoes, we can reasses your opinion of me... and I'll probably get that apology that I should have received today - or last week - or last month - or last August.  Except I won't want it cause I'll already know how much your heart hurts. 
How am I??  I'm great!!!  How are you? *big FAKE smile*
Is that better??
So glad that makes you feel better.

Always in Our Hearts

I got a message from my friend Jenn that works at Options for Women.  She is the one heading the new Perinatal Hospice Program they used Rachel's 5K money towards.  She said they had the training for the doctors and medical community yesterday and it went well.  She said that Margery told them about Rachel and that some of them had a new perspective and had not really thought about it before.  I pray that they will be the ones that mothers like me come across in their journey through a fatal prenatal diagnosis.  What a blessing it will be to have people who understand and who treat them and their babies with dignity.  I also pray that the medical community will be more likely to direct them to Options where they will find the support and encouragement they so desperately need.  I can't believe all that has happened in less than one year since Rachel's birth....

So, Jenn is also making the cake for Rachel's birthday and she asked me what I wanted it to say.  I have spent days thinking and couldn't come up with anything.... it should be an easy answer on my daughter's 1st birthday, but it's not.  I had an idea this morning that maybe I should just write a verse on it since none of the normal stuff seemed to really "go".  I thought since flowers have always been Rachel's thing and Jenn's putting some on the cake, I should put a verse about flowers.  I googled and came up with Psalm 103

Verse 15 - As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field

Oh that's a good one, I thought... and then I continued on....

Verse 16 - the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

 so this is why it's important to not take bible verses out of context...  but all I can say is that when I read the 2nd half, I cried.  Remembers her no more.... ?  I hate that the day will one day come when I'm the only one who still remembers.  I hate that it has happened to some extent already.  I hate that the last year has gone by so fast when every single minute of it has been slow and painful.  I hate that I can't just write Happy Birthday and have it make sense.

I've decided I'll probably write "Always in Our Hearts"

And even that sucks.

Dancing in the Manna

The other day, in my post, I asked.... "Where is that hope now?"  I long to "feel" that overwhelming sense of peace that I had, even in my darkest moments with Rachel and shortly after her death.  I'm afraid I may be assuming that since so many people have moved on and wonder why I haven't stopped talking about Rachel yet - that maybe God feels the same way... maybe a "good Christian" would be so full of faith that they would be smiling by now -even if just in front of people.  Maybe since I'm still so sad, maybe I'm doing something wrong.... I see the looks, hear it in the "encouraging" comments.... maybe if I just trusted God more, I would be able to just say "My daughter died, Praise the Lord!"  And since I'm not there, and never will be, I start to wonder if God has forgotten me.  I wonder if I can possibly be glorifying Him when even Christians judge me for the fact that I am still heavy hearted for my girl - and I'm completely okay with that.

Well, my Hope (Jesus) is never changing.  I know that to be the absolute truth.  So that only leaves one answer - I've moved away, not Him.  Thankfully all of this writing, no matter how rough around the edges at times, does prove to be helpful in me working through some of the things that I probably wouldn't even know needed attention if I didn't write everything down.  I'm thankful for your patience and love for me as I do this.... being vulnerable like this actually really stinks - I don't believe it's a mistake that God has me using this blog as a way to continue to grow in Him through my trials.... but being in the limelight through the hardest days of my life has been very hard.  I know that most of you receive me without judgement, but the few times where that has not been the case have left some pretty deep wounds in my heart.  I pray that God has purpose even in them.

As I considered the fact that for the first time in this journey, I am struggling so much to trust God, the thing that keeps coming to mind is manna.

I told you about the magazine I found... in one of the articles -titled "Peace that passes all understanding" by Ed Welch - he says this in reference to Exodus 16:

   There are times when we will feel like destitute wanderers in the wilderness with little hope of food and water.  God will then give us manna at the time we need it.  He won't give us so much that we will have enough for tomorrow because then we would just start trusting in the manna rather than trusting Immanuel. (God with us). 
   God makes a promise.  He will give you manna - or grace - when you need it, but not before.  That means you will be anxious if you forecast the future because you are making your prediction based on the manna you have left over from today, and there is none.  What you don't factor into your prediction is that you will receive fresh grace when you need it.

Losing Rachel made me stronger - even though I have felt nothing by weakness since August 4, 2010.  Walking this road has given me the gift of wisdom, courage, determination, compassion - and I could go on and on.  That baby girl was truly a gift to me.  But the one thing that I have been left with, eating at my soul is fear - and it has been magnified in my journey with Asa.  The daily pain of this road has left me scared to death that I will have to face something like this again.  After Rachel's diagnosis, I had no idea how long it would hurt.  I probably used to buy into the "grieving takes 1 year" lie that so many people think is in that non-existent handbook for how to handle loss.  I'm kind of glad I didn't know.  I'm glad I thought that it would hurt most at first and then progressively get better.... cause it doesn't.  It's very up and down and totally unpredictable.  It's been a long, hard road.  But when I look back over the last year and a half....

I can see the manna that fell from heaven.  Just when I needed it.  The exact amount I needed.  In the exact form I was hungry for.  My God is the God Who Provides.

And so I have decided that in those moments, when I'm riddled with fear that Asa will be taken from me - or I'm avoiding a gathering because I just "can't handle" what comments or judgements I will have to endure - or I feel like I need to protect my heart since nobody else seems to.... When I feel all alone and unloved by detached  in-laws who judge me and busy friends.... I'm just going to say "manna".  And when I do, I'm going to remember every time along this path where my needs were met before I even knew I was hungry or thirsty.  You see, because when God says he is with us... Immanuel.... He means he is doing something.  He doesn't just sit there and watch his children fend for themselves.  And my experience tells me that I have no reason to doubt that He will always be there for me.

This week leading up to Rachel's birthday has been painful.  I can't believe it's been a year since I held my baby girl.  But today, I stopped at her PO Box.... and manna!  A whole bunch of cards for Rachel's birthday... from all over the state of NH, plus, NY, IN, MN....  We open that box to emptiness weekly and then today, just when my heart needed to know she hasn't been forgotten, I was overwhelmed by the cards we got.  As I opened each card and read them to everyone at the dinner table, I cried a lot.  Partly because I wish this wasn't my life, I wish she was still here - and partly because I'm so grateful to have all of your love.

We got home and there was a package on the steps...  I opened it up and my friend Michelle had sent this beautiful music box that plays "Amazing Grace" - I cried some more... Thanks, Michelle!

And in one of the envelopes, a blog reader Megan sent me this key chain....Thank you!

It says: "Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

And did my girl ever love to dance... she's still teaching me the steps. 
Thank You, Jesus, for today's manna.

Me & This Owl

Oh my gosh, the more I look at the photos that Erin Moore from Auntie Camera took of Asa, the more I want to put them ALL on here...  but tonight, I want to share just one...

Do you know what's special about this photo?  Well, besides the ridiculously cute baby in it?

This hat came in the mail the day I got home from the hospital with Asa.  It was made by one of my blog readers, Keileigh.  Now, as if the hat wasn't awesome enough... and the timing of receiving it wasn't just perfect...

Do you know what you can't tell by looking at this hat?  The same thing that you can't tell by looking at me....

There is a piece of Rachel on the inside.

Keileigh tied a little pink bow on the inside in memory of Rachel.  And so me & this owl have a couple things in common - we both really like being wrapped around Asa - and we both have Rachel's memory tucked away inside.  Thanks Keileigh!

OK, and so I lied... I have to share one more cause it goes along with this post too....and well, I just can't get enough of this kid.  This photo needs no explanation.  She's always there with me.

My Battle

Today I stepped out of my comfort zone and got myself to church.  I made the decision to go about 25 minutes before we had to be there.  I fully intended on hiding in the back and leaving promptly afterwards because I really just can't handle the stimulation that conversation after conversation brings.  And I knew everyone was going to want to talk about and see Asa.

Well, we got there a few minutes late and they have started to escort people to seats that are still available since it gets so packed, (as a courtesy so you're not searching for a place to sit) but we got put right up front.  They were the only open seats, so I'm assuming I was *supposed* to be there today.   I have not sat in the front row since Rachel's funeral and so the timing was difficult.  The Sunday before her birthday last year, the congregation prayed for us...  this year, they announced our new baby boy.  Trying to reconcile these two extremes in my heart is exhausting.  The pain mixed with joy is overwhelmingly complicated.  I cried a lot.

I was blessed by other people's efforts to help me balance the two though... I never checked the mail yesterday and on the way out this morning, saw that I got a gift card from my Aunt for Rachel's birthday.  Then within minutes of being at church, Nancy handed me a gift card for Rachel's birthday.  And I found a card at my seat with a gift card for Rachel's birthday and a gift for Asa from Willie & Cindy.  Sue came up and gave me a hug, then kissed her hand and placed it on Asa's head and then on Rachel's handprint.... People are remembering her with me and I so need that.  Thank you ♥

I wore Asa in his carrier - he loves to be on Mama's chest and I love being able to kiss him and tell him I love him every two minutes :o) (literally) We sang the "Revelation Song" and when we got to the verse that says:

Clothed in rainbows, of living color

Flashes of lightening rolls of thunder

Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be

To You the only wise King

As I was 'wearing' my rainbow baby - The living color that God has blessed me with - The name "wise King" stood out to me and God started to speak to my heart; bringing a few things that I had been reading this week all together.  The next song?  Mighty to Save.  I've mentioned this one many times for the one line that says that Jesus conquered the grave.  That Truth is the only reason I can go on after losing my baby girl... and every time I sing it, I thank God that she's not really left in that grave to rot away, but that she is truly with him in heaven. (I still HATE that her body is down there)  Today though, I claimed the other verses, too:

So take me as You find me,

All my fears and failures,

Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in,

Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,

My God is Mighty to save,

He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,

He rose and conquered the grave,

Jesus conquered the grave.

I'm going to be blunt here.  I've been FULL of fear, worry, anxiety where Asa is concerned. I'm convinced something is going to happen to him, that I'm not going to get to keep him, and I'm waiting for the ball to drop. I've refused to surrender to God's will because honestly, I'm having trouble trusting that I will like it.  (as if I get a choice) As a matter of fact, I have first hand knowledge that I won't always like it.... and with what I've been through, I'm not really believing that it's working together for my good either.  I just don't see it - and I'm really sick of people saying it to me.  One more mushy card going on and on about how much "God loves us" ("us" meaning themselves, too) and I might puke.  Not that I don't believe it, but when someone is hurting and you ignore that by using cliches, trying to sound super spiritual and avoiding the topic, it comes across as rather insincere at best.  Those cards go straight in the trash - which, for someone who keeps everything, might tell you how I feel about them.

blah blah blah, back to the point - which that was NOT it.  I hate this.  But that is a good example of another reason that I am limiting the number of people and who I am around... I seem to have no filter on the things I say and I hate it.  I'm just not in a good place.  Hormones - no sleep - new baby - grieving and Rachel's anniversary... need I say more?  Believe it or not, to some people, those aren't enough good reasons.... maybe those selfish people would be happier to know that it's probably in their best interest to not be around me so they aren't subjected to my mood swings and irrational thinking.

So let me tell you about the reading material that I "just happened" upon the other day.  It's a Table Talk Magazine by Ligonier Ministries and RC Sproul.  "Ironically" it has a picture of a tree and a sparrow on it (seen Asa's room??) and across it, it says: "Anxiety - and the sovereignty of God."  As I've read through some of this, I know that there is no mistake that I'm reading it at this time in my life.  I have a few things that I want to share, so I'll probably do a few posts this week on them. 

I guess the bottom line is that I can't afford to turn from God now.  I know there is a war waging for my soul and I would be stupid to let satan win.  My God is faithful.  He is with me.  He will not leave or forsake me.  I don't like the path He's allowed me to have to walk with Rachel, but I wasn't alone. 

I just had to stop to nurse Asa and as I did, the music on my blog played through...each song reminding me of a time throughout the last year - right now as I write, "Hallelujah, Your love is amazing" is playing - the song we picked to play on her birthday last year.  Where did I find the hope I had?  It was given to me by God.  Where is it now?  Cause right now, I'm pissed.  I picked Asa up to burp him, his body warm and squishy - why didn't God allow me to have these moments with Rachel?  I hold his perfectly formed head in my hand and sob... why couldn't He have formed her?  Why did He create me to be a nurturing mother and then take that role away from me? 

And so goes the battle - one I never saw coming.  Who am I to question God?  I have no place - or benefit - in being upset with the maker of heaven and earth....and yet I can't seem to escape it.  I hold this sweet baby boy that I am SO thankful for, who came straight from God Himself - and my heart screams at God "why couldn't I keep her?"  and I hate it.  I want to feel different.  I want to be content - but I miss her more than words can describe and my heart hurts more than I knew it ever could.  When will this let up?

I guess that blows the replacement theory right out the window - sorry to disappoint all who thought that Asa would fill Rachel's hole in my heart.  Instead the spot he filled only accentuated the emptiness of hers.

Lord, thank you that you take me as you find me - fears, failures, doubts....all my imperfections.  Thank you that your mercy and grace are new every morning - and are enough for me.  I surrender again to you Lord Jesus...You're all I have.  Fight this battle for me - please keep me close.

Isaiah's Birthday Party

Last year for Isaiah's birthday, I had a party planned.  But when I couldn't get myself out of bed that morning, my mom & sister came to my rescue and in a matter of a couple of hours, they picked up all the food & a cake and had my house cleaned and decorated so that Isaiah's party went as planned.

This year, with everything going on, we decided not to plan a party.  The nice thing about a growing family is that we're kind of a party all by ourselves :o)   We decided we would just do something together that Isaiah would enjoy - and of course, that meant bowling and eating cake.  Matt assured me that Isaiah wouldn't care about anything else.

So, I felt like the worst mother ever when Isaiah said to me in his little raspy voice at 7am.... "when are all the people coming over with presents?"  I just looked at Matt with the you said he wouldn't care look...  I felt really bad.  My kids have had one disappointment after another for almost 2 years now.  They handle them very well and make me so proud that they aren't spoiled brats demanding to have things they want.  However, as their mother, I want nothing more than to provide them with at least some of their 'wants' - and lately, I've been feeling super guilty about how I'm failing them in this area.  On Wednesday I had Isaiah crying that I hadn't brought him to school yet and he was going to miss it again, Des was upset that she was going to be late for her Thanksgiving party and Sam was screaming over everything because he's jealous of the baby.  And the bottom line?  I just couldn't pull it all together and so once again, my kids missed out because of me.

I fed Asa and asked Matt to watch him while I went upstairs to nap.  I haven't slept in my bed once since the week before Asa was born.  I climbed in and the second my head hit the pillow, I was out.  Des woke me up 3 hours later (the longest span of sleep I've had in forever!) telling me the baby was hungry.  I looked at the clock... 10am.  And so I did what any guilt stricken, exhausted, devoted Mama would do....  I pulled together a party for my boy.  Well, let me rephrase that... my mom & sister did :o)   I called them at 10:15 and at noon they were at my house and ready for a party.  We kept it simple, but Isaiah had people to sing to him, his cousins to play with, and extra presents to open.  Thanks Mom & Meg that I can always count on you.

Then we went bowling, which is an Aube favorite anyway... and he had a blast. 

And while Daddy and the kids bowled, Mama & Asa hung out and cuddled.  Asa slept through the entire outing!

And, as usual, Rachel made her presence known....the first number on the screen - 43.  She's always with us, no matter how far apart we are.

Happy 5th Birthday Isaiah Matthew.  I love you my little man.  I thank God for you every single day.

Understanding My Heart

One week from tomorrow, it will be Rachel's 1st birthday.  I really can't believe it.  It feels like forever and seems like it was yesterday at the same time.  I hate that she was in my arms so long ago.  I hate that time keeps going.  I hate that I struggle to remember details about her and that my time with her was so short that there are things I didn't have time to burn into my memory.

Today is "Black Friday" and although I've never gone out shopping on this day before, my dad had planned to take the two older kids to his house for the day, and so I decided it was a good day to work on Christmas shopping.  My sister watched Sam for the first run, we came home so I could eat lunch and nurse Asa and then me, Sam & Asa went back out.  I cherished every moment with my 2 little boys at the store.  Asa loves my baby carrier and slept the whole time, totally content on my chest - where I could run my face on his soft head any time I wanted - and Sam pointed out (and touched!) every single toy in the store as he shouted "look at this Mama!" and then when I said "oh, that's cool.... stay with me"  He would yell "OK Mama!" and come trotting after me.  If he accidentally moved an item from it's original place, he would stay there until he could get it back just the way it was.  While we were out, we made our trip to the cemetery...

In the last 12 months, I have been at the cemetery every single Friday except two.  I've visited many other days as well, but Fridays revolve around my visit to sit at my girl's grave.  I have been blessed by others time and time again when I have arrived there to find that someone had visited and left me a little something.  I know of a few people who visit her weekly just like I do and that makes my heart smile - to know I'm not the only one still thinking of her.

Sometimes I just go and fix things up pretty and then leave...  others I sit and cry a while - and how I'm feeling on the way there, or even when I get there, doesn't seem to have anything to do with how I feel when I'm standing on top of that little rectangle of new grass. 

I hate feeling so powerless over my emotions and not knowing what to expect or how things will affect me. 

Last week, Asa & I came home from the hospital Thursday night.  Friday we went to visit Rachel, but it was freezing out, so I left him in the car.  Today was beautiful out - so I got Asa out of the car to tell him about his big sister.

It's a strange thing, kneeling at the very spot my precious baby girl's body is under while holding a baby just 10 days old.  I never in my whole life imagined I'd ever have to endure these types of moments, days, weeks, months, years... I thought of the words in the song that I moved to play first on my blog last night....

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
Thats what I'd do, with one more day with you


And I realized that all of the uninterrupted alone time I'm seeking....every unanswered phone call, email, or knock on the door....  is another moment I get with Asa.  It's another moment that hasn't been taken from me with him.  It's another moment to hold him, burn his every detail into my memory.... time is all I have and it will never be enough - and it may not be as long as I hope for.  It's the moments that were taken from me with Rachel.  The moments I'd do anything to have.  I don't want to miss them this time.

I had no idea how it would feel to hold him at Rachel's grave.  Last week was an incredibly difficult visit where I cried harder than I have in a while.  Today, sitting there, I held Asa a little tighter... loved him a little deeper.... and as I told him about his big sister Rachel and how much his Mama misses her, I cried a little and thanked God that he was alive and well.

But I walked away from that spot today understanding my heart a little better.  I could try to put it into words, but the people who don't get it, never will...and the ones who do, don't need me to.  As I've tried to make sense of these feelings I've had and my desire to be alone, I've wondered if I'm ever going to be my 'old self again' and if I was finally slipping into a depression.  I can't say I've got that totally ruled out, but I can say that I don't think depression is my reason for retreating right now.  It's hard for me to feel misunderstood or to not have approval from people.  I hate feeling pressure from people to do what they want me to - or judgement from people who think they know more about me than I do.  But I'm just going to have to get over that.  This is just another season I have to walk through and I suppose, just like from last August until now, when I get to the other side of this part of my trial, I'll know who loves me for me.  One thing I know for certain is that I won't ever regret cherishing these moments alone with my sweet baby.

Hurting and Healing?

I'm having a hard time finding words for how I feel these days.  Everything is so complicated.  Grief over the loss of a child is hard.  The holidays are hard.  Coming home with a new baby is hard.  And together, they are kicking my butt.  I've tried a couple of times to write a post on how I'm feeling and failed, so I'm giving up trying to make this go in an order that makes sense and I'm just going to let it all out.  Bear with me if I'm all over the place...

I'm absolutely in love with Asa.  He's amazing.  He is the sweetest baby and almost always content (for now).  He loves to be with Mama almost as much as I love to be with him.  I have hardly shared him at all and don't intend to any time soon.  I can practically see him growing before my eyes because I hardly take my eyes off of him.  I love every little thing about him, even at 4 am with no sleep. 

I miss Rachel more than ever.  All this time during pregnancy I've been worried about my c-section scar tearing open and my uterus rupturing...  seems I was worried about the wrong scar.  Any part of my heart that had healed is newly torn open and it feels like the entire thing has ruptured.  It hurts so bad I'm not sure if I want to cry, puke or hit something.  I just want relief.

Rachel's birthday is approaching - one week from Saturday (don't forget to send the gift cards for the young mom we're sponsoring!!)  and as I go through each day with Asa, I can't help but think about Rachel.  When he turned 6 days old, all I could think was this is how long after Rachel's birthday that I had to bury her body in the ground.  I stared at his perfect little hands, feet, chubby cheeks and wondered why I couldn't keep her.

I am having serious anxiety that something is going to happen to Asa - and for the first time in a very long time, I'm struggling to trust God.  I guess as I was going through the stuff with Rachel, trusting him to take care of me was easy because I could see that He was. (and I had no other choice!) And I knew that he would take care of her too because she would be with him.  But in the end, my baby still died - my arms still were empty.  And so I look at this precious baby boy and as I fall deeper and deeper in love with him, the reality that God doesn't need my consent to take my baby from me scares me.  All the comments about Rachel's life serving such a bigger purpose for so many other people leaves me hoping that my sweet Asa has a much lower calling...  that God doesn't think anyone else needs to benefit from him.  Cause I happen to like him and call me selfish, but I'm kinda sick of being the one in pain so that "everyone else could benefit".  Actually, the fact that people think that is a reason for me to rejoice irritates me.  She's dead.  So happy for everyone else though! (insert sarcastic smiley face here)

Today as we ate our Thanksgiving meal, I remembered last year....

I had asked Des to take a picture of me & Rachel at her first Thanksgiving and as I handed her the camera across the table, I dropped it in the gravy!  But the camera was unharmed!  Then after we ate, I laid on the couch and recorded her kicking my belly as I talked to her.  Then we pulled out her vault and decorated it nice and pretty for her.... See her vault here  As I sat here today, burping my new baby at the dinner table, these things replayed in my mind...  how can she really be gone?  How did I make it through those days alive? 

Some people are thankful for their good paying jobs... their nice houses....their children's promising future... some are thankful for good friends and family.  Some people are thankful for their cute little dogs that greet them at the door when they get home at night (long story)

What am I thankful for today?  That I'm not decorating my baby's burial vault after dinner.  Yeah, Matt's job is good - especially that it's close since he's been walking to work for 2 weeks now (yes, even in snow) cause his car is crap - we have a nice home, we have everything we need.  I'm glad about it all...  but all of that could go down the drain and as long as I never have to decorate another vault for a child of mine, I'll be happy.

I heard this thing on the radio the other night about how to beat the holiday blues....  they mentioned how hard the holidays can be when you've lost someone.  These times tend to make it more evident that someone is missing.  She said it's important to realize that this year will be "different".  Different?  That's a nice way to put it I guess. 

We're having just a few select people over after the balloon release on Rachel's birthday.  Mostly the people who were at the hospital with us when she was born, minus a couple who haven't been around all year. I also added a few that have been my rocks throughout this year....but one thing was for sure, I needed to be surrounded by people who I trust with my heart because it's going to be a hard day for me.  I was filling in the Date, Time, Where info and as I saw myself write "1pm at the cemetery, 2 pm at our house"....  "different" didn't seem to really describe it.  My daughter's first birthday party is starting at a cold cemetery.  "Sucks"  is more accurate.

I've had lots of requests to "meet Asa" and I'm just not there.  I don't often answer my phone and my door has a nice sign saying "we'll let you know when we're ready for visitors" so that I can ignore the knocks (which I do - sorry!), but the truth is, I don't know if I'll ever be ready.  I have never wanted to be alone so bad in my whole life.  I used to think I was an extrovert.  Not right now I'm not.  I used to love to host parties and have people over... not these days.  I used to talk on the phone for long lengths of time and actually enjoy it.  I almost always regret the loss of energy I experience after such a conversation these days, minus talking to my mom or sister.  Having someone in my house for more than 15 mins is more than I can take and I've only let 2 people (mom & sister) hold my boy since I left the hospital.  And at the risk of sounding crazy - I don't plan to change any of this any time soon. 

In the next 5 weeks, I will celebrate Isaiah's 5th birthday, Rachel's 1st birthday, Christmas and also Rachel's due date, Desirae's 9th birthday and many of Asa's 'firsts' along the way, reminding me of all I'm missing with my girl.  I will cry.  I will smile.  I will rejoice and I will mourn.  I will probably upset some people (probably the same people who weren't happy with my decisions on these things last year either) and hopefully, along the way, I will bless some people.  But all I can do is my best and sometimes my best isn't good enough.

Before I had Asa, I had emailed my friend Melissa and expressed my concern over how in the world I was supposed to do this part of my journey.  I expected some of this, I just wasn't prepared for the depth of the pain.  She had recently had her rainbow baby and her relpy had me in tears then, but I totally get it now... she said...

"I can't tell you what to expect when you finally meet your sweet Asa. I can only speak from my experience. If having Asa is anything like having Sam....


When you meet him, you will love Asa even more than you do right now. (Yup, it will happen)
You will think of Rachel even more than you do now. (Yup, it is possible)
And when you bring him home you will hurt and you will heal all at the same time."

So here I am hurting - and hopefully somewhere deep down healing - on this never-ending jouney through the loss of my sweet girl to anencephaly.

Opinions are like....

And my latest comment on my video of Rachel...

"why would you give birth just to have the poor child die? You knew it was going to. to go through all this in the name of God is disturbing, and turning tragedy into a spectacle of your faith is wrong. let the pregnancy be terminated, if God decides who lives and dies then he should have given the baby a brain in the first place so it could live. the only "miracle" is people like you are so delusional as to turn a tragedy into such exploitation to prove to the world you are "Godly" Matthew 23:12"


Yes, this crazy man/woman actually tried to use scripture to tell me that it was wrong to let my daughter live, saying that I was just trying to prove my 'godliness'. 

People are nuts.  And I guess I got my answer on her video.  I've made it "unlisted" which is supposed to mean that you can view it with the link (hopefully from my blog) and not on You Tube itself.  Someone want to try it out and let me know if it's working on my blog but not on You Tube?

I've had close to 1200 views this week alone on it and had decided that for all the people who watch and are touched by it, it was worth the few stupid comments I get, but at this point I feel like I need to protect her from other peoples' harsh judgement.  I'm glad that I don't hear these things and actually internalize them, (I know they are all wrong and just dumb) but right now - with how I've been feeling (a whole other post) and my hormones, I'd like to tell the guy where to stick it.  And yes, that was as nice of a way as I could possibly put that - you know, to prove how Godly I am, I didn't say what I really want to say about the loser with too much time on his hands. Besides the fact that he appears to be missing his brain and God has let him live... If I keep talking, you might hear the sailor in me come out, so I'm gonna stop there.

Rachel's Birthday Invitation - * New Posts Below*

I wrote a post regarding Rachel's birthday a couple weeks ago that I never posted, mostly because it felt like a big ball of negativity... my feelings are so raw and my emotions at an ultimate low in my grief right now. 

The short version is that I had been lamenting over how to celebrate her birthday, which happens to also be the day she died, while grieving so deeply.  Most people don't celebrate the day their children die - but for all of us who welcomed our babies and then had to let them go, it's more complicated.  The last thing I wanted was to try to plan something and be let down again by detached family and busy friends.  So I was at a point where I was thinking maybe I should skip it all together.

What I realized is that I was letting my fear of being hurt and being overwhelmed with sadness override my desire to do something for my girl.  It would be different if I didn't want to do something, but I do - and so that just isn't acceptable....  so I'm planning a party. 

My heart's desire is to keep giving to others in Rachel's honor - and so months ago, I started praying that the Lord would direct me in the right way to a pregnant woman who needed help that we could sponsor in Rachel's memory.  I had very specific requests - I wanted a woman, pregnant with a girl, who was due in December.  I thought we could have everyone bring a baby girl gift and then donate it to them.  I assumed I was going to have to call Community Action or something to find someone, but kept putting it off because that would most likely have to be anonymous and I wanted the receiver to know about Rachel and why we were doing this.  I also was afraid to commit to helping someone without knowing if others would be supportive of my idea because we are going to need the help of family and friends to make it possible.  Well, after months of being unsure which way to go - one day I went to the local gas station to get a coffee...

The woman there had been talking with me regularly when I would go in about my baby belly, but this one morning, she mentioned that her 21 year old daughter was pregnant too and due with a girl 5 weeks after me.  I told her I had recently lost a girl, she gave her condolences and I left.

I couldn't get this girl off my mind and I don't even know her.  I decided to bring her the shirt my mom had bought for my baby when I was first pregnant (she insisted I was having a girl) that was a girl shirt and said "Born in 2011".  I brought it in one morning and gave it to her with one of my blog cards (I made up business cards with my blog info on them after we got Rachel's diagnosis and Matt & I have handed out hundreds of them as we shared about our precious girl)  Well, she took one look at the card and started crying, came around the counter and gave me a hug and said "I didn't know that was you, your husband gave me one of these when you first found out and I've read your blog.  I don't know how you did that, you're so strong"  I always love the opportunity to say "no, I'm not, but my God is."

As the days past, I kept thinking about her daughter and it dawned on me that she must be due in December.  I wanted to talk to the woman from the gas station about sponsoring her, but it's an odd subject to bring up while paying for a coffee.  So, last Saturday, when the kids & I walked down to get a hot chocolate, I had been thinking that it was too bad I wouldn't see her that day since she only works week days.  I opened the door to go in, and there she was...buying a coffee!  So I told her what I wanted to do and she said her daughter could use the help....

And so that is what we're doing.  She is due on December 23 (Rachel's due date was the 25th) and is having a little girl.  I knew last Saturday when all the pieces came together, that this is exactly where God wants us to help this year.  I smiled the whole way home from the store cause I didn't even want to be out that morning ( I hadn't walked that far in MONTHS), but forced myself to make the trip - and God had something waiting for me there!

So,  I'm asking everyone to purchase gift cards from Target or Walmart and send them to us before Rachel's birthday (December 3) and on Rachel's birthday we will go out and buy however much we can with them for this young mom and her sweet daughter.  If you are able to send even $5 it will help.  I really want to bless this young family.

Lisa Borders - who has been doing the editing on Rachel's photos, helped me do an official invitation for this... (thanks, Lisa!)

If you are able to join us in sponsoring this family in Rachel's honor, we would appreciate it very much.  You can send gift cards to:

Baby Rachel's Legacy
PO Box 454
Rochester, NH 03866-0454

If you are in the area and would like to join us, we will also be doing a balloon release at her grave at 1pm on Saturday, December 3rd.  We would love to have you there with us if you can make it.  Contact me if you need directions.

My Sweet Baby Asa

Erin Moore from Auntie Camera took some really cute photos of my really sweet boy today.  Thank you SO much Erin, this is such a blessing to my heart....

I Just Want Her, Too.

This is harder than I expected.
Even with all my preparation and thinking about how it might play out;
How I might feel, what I might want.
There is something about holding this precious baby in my arms
That only makes my heart hurt more.

I went to Rachel's grave yesterday. 
A newly empty womb, Asa sleeping soundly in the van.
They cut a nearby tree down and it's even brighter of a spot than before
Her daisies that I left last week still standing strong and pretty.
Yet I cried harder than I have in a while standing there.
It felt heavier and darker than it has in a long time.

I had a sweet night with Asa last night.
He's nursing like a champ
and quietly woke me every 3 hours to nurse and then went right back to sleep.
Little coos and grunts making me smile
I snuggled his warm body and kissed his chubby cheeks.
He's home with me.
And yet my arms still feel like they are missing something.
I still feel so incomplete.

Flowers were delivered today.
The ones my Aunt sends after every baby, including Rachel.
Congratulations with love...
The daisies in the pretty bouquet threw me off
Still remembering this time last year receiving flowers as I got ready to meet Rachel.
And then surrounding her body with them at the hospital
A year of fresh daisies in my house
But this time they are for someone else.
I stood there and cried.
How can I not be able to separate them?
How can I not just bask in the joy of my new son?
Doesn't Asa deserve that?

He started crying and I sat to nurse him. 
I touched his soft hair and wondered why she couldn't have stayed.
I look at his hands, just a tiny bit bigger than hers.
In his cheeks and mouth, I see hers peeking out from under her hat.
And as each of these thoughts comes to mind and breaks my heart,
I feel guilty.

I don't know how to do this and I wish I didn't have to.
It feels like I wish I could have her instead
but that's not it. 
I love him more than life itself.
I just want her, too.