After everyone left, I took a few moments at her grave. I often squat down there, but I've never had the urge to touch the ground like today. I put my hand on the ground, right over her grave. I could picture her under there.... my heart aching and tears flowing... and I told her (whether or not she could hear me) that I love her, miss her and wish I could have kept her. I kissed my fingers and planted my kiss on the ground above her - hating the fact that a couple feet of dirt keeps me from touching her. I remembered her chubby legs and how it felt to hold her. I hope those memories never fade. I miss her so much.
And along the path, there are big blessings in little things...
My niece Jailyn made a card (I posted pics) that says:
Happy Birthday Rachel!
I no you hafint met me realy - But I saw your face. You were butiful. Love, Jailyn
I also got a really nice note from Laura at String of Pearls and even a note from the Organ Bank (we weren't even able to donate her valves!) acknowledging Rachel's birthday/day we had to say goodbye.
Here are the pictures from today. They're only missing one thing in my opinion.... the beautiful one year old we're celebrating and missing. I would love to know what she would look like now. What would she like/not like? How would she fit into our family?? All things I'll never know...
And so as her birthday comes to a close, I'm a little uncertain of where I go from here. I know that the more time that goes by, the less people will think of her and understand my sadness. I don't think the journey is going to get easier any time soon and that scares me. But the one thing I know is that I would endure this and more for that little girl any time. Carrying her was my privilege, knowing her was my blessing, and loving her has been my delight. That is why I weep - and I'm okay with that.
Happy Birthday Rachel Alice. I'm so proud to be your Mama. Love you sweet girl.