It's been a hard week. Had my 6 wk check yesterday and it was a total sob session. Through this whole journey all I wanted to do was prove to people that carrying Rachel to term wasn't a mistake... that having another baby soon after her death wasn't a mistake... and that my God planned it and is capable to carry me through all of this, good and bad....
And I feel like I am failing miserably at all three. The doctors (among others) probably think I've made my own struggles with these choices. I know they think I can't make it through on God alone. And I'm not even convinced they are wrong anymore.... well, that's not true... I KNOW they are wrong, I just don't always FEEL like they are. And so I'm struggling to not feel like I've been overcome....by my sorrow, by my circumstances, by the ways of the world.
It's about to be 2012 and my sweet girl was born in 2010.... the distance in time is making her feel further and further away. I want to just stop the world and get off.
But then there is my other beautiful children....waiting patiently to get their mama back... I look at them and know that I'm missing it. I'm missing their lives. I know I will look back with regrets over how emotionally and physically unavailable I have been for them... and I can tell myself that kids are resilient and they will be ok. But kids NEED their mamas. They need their mamas around physically, but they need them emotionally too. A while back, my kids were learning a lot about leaning on God through hard trials by watching me and so while it was tough, I know it wasn't bad for them. But lately, they aren't seeing me with a whole lot of hope. And that is not what I want for them. Knowing this is one thing, but I have no idea how to do anything about it. I've tried to make myself feel, think, act, be different. I've tried to be pro-active in my healing. I've tried waiting on God and just holding on by a thread... but time is not my friend here. The minutes in my grief feel like decades, while the rest of my life flies by me. And I'm stuck in the middle of this all, paralyzed with heartache.
How can 2011 have already come and gone since I held my baby girl? While every single second since the minute she died has cut like a knife in my heart, my other kids have grown inches, met new milestones and laughed and played....and while those things bring a smile to my face - and I've had times of laughter and fun...even moments where I feel like myself again - the sting of what's been lost along with Rachel is never far behind.
Oh Dear Lord, I was not prepared for how this would hurt. Please restore my soul and bring me back to a place of Hope and Comfort. Help me to not miss out on the blessings I've been allowed to keep. In the midst of my pain, God bring me joy.