I'm Not Judging You...Really.

Last night I tried to get caught up on my blog emails.... I apologize if you've sent me one and I haven't responded yet, I will , I promise - at this point it won't be till after Christmas.  Things are very busy around here and I need to guard my heart and mind. 

So, I went back & forth over whether or not to share this because - I'm going to be honest - I think this lady, we'll call her "Ms. J", is actually going to get a kick out of the fact that I'm talking about it.  I could be wrong...{shrug}

So she sent this to me on Rachel's birthday... no doubt she was well aware of her timing. (sorry, am I not supposed to judge motives...oops)  The subject line is "Thinking of you...." and the first paragraph is all about how she can't begin to understand the kind of pain I feel after losing Rachel.  (she's right on that) Then she goes into this....

"I've noticed over the past several months that your increasingly negative blog posts tend to highlight the wrong or "faults" of others because they might not respond with just the right words. At other times I've noticed general negativity surrounding your lack of blog readers/followers or implying the lack of financial/physical support expected for your family. I must admit what many others may have not said to you before now....your blog entries imply that you don't appear grateful for the abundance of support you have been given. I use the word "imply" and "appear" because I truly don't believe you are ungrateful, I just think it comes across that way at least until you receive a large shipment of gifts or cards.


I don't believe judging people's responses to a clearly impossible situation makes for a positive resolution, nor does complaining about the lack of readers following your blog. People cant be expected to have all the perfect words or be able to offer their unlimited support. I understand it must be difficult to hear that some people have moved on from your blog but it also should be humbling that so many peoples lives were ultimately touched by Rachel's legacy in the first place. Which I believe was the sole intent of your blog from the beginning.


I know you are familiar with the saying, "Life is not measured by how many breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away". Well the same goes for loving support and prayer. Its not measured by the physical gifts we receive but with the sincere love and prayers we are given.


Thinking of you always and hoping you receive this email graciously and that it gives you the strength to humbly accept EACH of the "gifts" you have been given in this life."

Question:  who are you, lady and why do you feel it your place to say these things to me?  You act like you want to help, but really are just judging me harshly.

My response to her, which I honestly question if she even is who she says she is... (yep, had that one happen before too) was brief and I basically just said I thought her words were unnecessary and linked two of my blog posts for her to review... From August and From May. 

But today, her words are still bothering me... and although she thinks she can tell me what my "sole intent of my blog from the beginning" is - which by the way, is for me to decide - the purpose of this blog as of now is for me to have a space where I can lay down my burdens and the people who love me will come along side of me and HELP ME CARRY THEM - if just through prayer and encouragement.

Now, since she started her email by saying in the 2nd sentence:

"I started reading your blog back in the very beginning of your journey however, I must admit that I have not been reading as regularly nor do I have the means to continue to financially contribute.... "

And referred repeatedly to the "financial and physical support" that I "expect" for my family, as well as the "lack of readers" I have, I'm going to address these two things. 

I have never expected anything from people I know through my blog.  I have been very fortunate to meet some of my very best friends through my journey with Rachel and my blog and yes, through their offers - not my requests - to help me in my time of need.  I have cried tears of gratitude a million times in the past year and a half over unexpected blessings both financial and physical from my friends, family, church family, and blog readers. Rachel's birthday was an example of that.  Not because I received the "large shipment of gifts and cards" as "Ms. J" suggests,  although my girl getting birthday cards was huge for my heart (is that wrong?)... but it was because I pulled into the cemetery and saw the cars lined up all over the place.  It is the presence of my God, my friends, family, church family and blog readers that lifts my heart in my weakest moments.  Hugs... I love hugs... I didn't know what to expect for people that day since I did an open invite on my blog - and I was blown away.  The same is true of the gift cards for the pregnant woman.

Which leads me to my next topic... my expectations.  She says:

"People cant be expected to have all the perfect words or be able to offer their unlimited support."

If you read back to the very beginning of my blog and went all the way through, you will see that I have never expected anyone to have all the right words.  I've actually repeatedly told people that there aren't any.  The only thing I have ever asked is that if I let you know that something bothers me, just please be receptive to that.  If that is too much to ask, that says more about the people who feel they have so much to offer in their words than it says about me and quite honestly, that's PRIDE.

People hurt me daily with their words, usually unintentionally - sometimes with their lack of words or thought.  I offer the grace that has been freely given to me by God every single day. (the fact that anyone would think I don't based on a few "negative blog posts" shows that they don't have any idea what this journey has actually entailed for me)  Am I too sensitive?  Probably.  But I do believe that there are times when my experiences and my pain can serve as a way for people to learn how to support their loved ones through a loss.  I don't blog it all - the things I have blogged were always because I have tried to tell that person how I feel and they have refused to look at it.  Those are the times when my heart is ripped apart... and back to MY purpose for this blog...I dump it here.  And people with compassion, pray for me and write to me and encourage me.  In case you're not aware, YOU don't need to read MY blog.  Nobody forces you to come here.  You can go find something else to read, and someone else to criticize if you don't like what I write - and especially if you feel that I am asking too much of people.  This is not the place for you.  My trial is not over and you are bound to see a few negative posts, sorry to be the bearer of bad news.... but again, I can't avoid the harsh emails because they come to me...so please remember you make a choice to read this that I don't get that luxury of making in emails I get - so if you don't have anything nice to say, don't email me.  I welcome constructive exhortation from people who have a clue where I'm at, who I am and love me...but I still prefer that to be in person, thanks.

Here's another one of MY purposes for this blog... to let other grieving mothers know they are not alone or crazy for feeling some of these same things, for struggling with these same things.  If you think it's just people I talk to that say insensitive things or are let down by family & friends, it's not... hurting mothers EVERYWHERE have to endure "knowledgeable" people and distant & self-centered family constantly.  They do the same thing I do, go away and cry alone.  But I refuse to let them think they are alone.  Obviously "Ms. J" hasn't lost a child - and obviously she hasn't read the comments from other mothers who are thankful for my willingness to share the hard topics. 

But that's right, I forgot, the "sole purpose" for this blog is for me to be "humbled by how many people were touched by Rachel's life in the first place" - which by the way, I am.  Pretty sure I've said that a thousand times.  But let's get one thing straight....don't throw my daughter's name around as if she isn't my own flesh & blood or feel you need to remind ME of how precious her life was or like you just came up with the idea that how God has used her "should" humble me.  Have you read anything I've written?  Or does Ms. Positive just like to focus on the negative??  (and I'm sarcastic too... bad Stacy) 

People are still being touched by her life, even in all my imperfection.  I'M leaving her legacy.  It's my story of my love for her and pain in the loss of her and God's provision (at times through His people!!) along the way.  But I have never twisted anyone's arm to be a part of this.  They do it because they happen to believe in what I'm doing in her memory for other people.  "Ms. J" is acting as if I kept the gift cards for myself.  "I'm only happy when a 'large shipment of cards come in'?" that's right I was happy, are you kidding??  Because of those cards, I was able to bless two mothers (and counting) in Rachel's memory.  I shared my story with them - her legacy - and about our Great God.  Of course that makes me happy.  Not because I'm money hungry or attention starved and looking for gifts for myself...but because I LOVE TO GIVE TO OTHERS in her name.  I LOVE to share about her.  yikes.  I never thought my motives could be misconstrued like that.  But just for the record "Ms. J" since you obviously have an issue with me asking for gift card donations... I didn't notice or care that you didn't send one, so no need to explain... and I don't want anything that comes from anyone who is not totally excited about it anyway.  And I'm well aware that there are people who would have sent something, but finances kept them from it...or they chose to remember her in a different way - and you know what?  I never thought twice about that either.  I am grateful for every single time that someone remembers her with love, regardless of what form that comes in.

And as far as my expectations with "physical support" - I'm not sure exactly what fits under this category??  The only thing I expect physically is that our family shows up... and THAT "Ms.J" is yet again, something you don't know about.... For well over a year (until very recently), any time our families have let us down, I have generalized so as not to single anyone out.  But the truth is, I'm referring to a select few people who ABSOLUTELY should be offering us "unlimited support".  If expecting my own family and Matt's own family to acknowledge their granddaughter or niece's birthday - if even just to say "hey, I know things are tough right now" (or maybe call once in a while and ask how we're doing) is expecting "unlimited support" and wrong - well then, you got me.  I expect too much and am totally unfair.  If hoping that the same people, who were laying over Rachel's casket last December 9th at the cemetery dramatically crying like they had lost their own child, show up or send a card a year later on her anniversary "implies that I don't appear grateful for the abundance of support I have been given." by others - well, all I can say is that looks aren't everything.  the people who know me, know that's not true.  But see, yet again, you assumed you knew what I was talking about when you didn't.  You know what they say happens when you assume, don't you?

On the topic of "lack of readers" - I'm not lacking readers... There are close to 300 people every day "reading."  When I speak, or "complain" as "Ms J" calls it,  of people not reading my blog, I'm not talking about the people across the country who I don't know...or even people I do know who are moving on, although that does hurt more.  I'm not stupid, I know that people are not going to read my day to day life forever.  But see, "Ms. J" wasn't around to hear my dad say he didn't read it because "it was too hard for him" or my MIL say she didn't read it because "it's all about Stacy and the baby" while I was STILL pregnant with Rachel.  (there you have it, do you feel better about my desire yet?  Does that make sense to you?  Is that an acceptable reason to be hurt, Ms. J?)  Hello??  Do you seriously think I'm just looking for a big audience?  Give me a break.  The only other thing that drives me crazy is when people stop reading and then expect me to fill them in on "how I'm feeling" only to debate with me why that's wrong.  With my blog, they know where I'm at without me having to explain and then endure their input since, like "Ms. J" most people think I simply can't survive if they don't fill me in on the "correct" way to look at things.

I'm sure that "Ms. J" (watch my graciousness here....) isn't aware that my sweet baby girl didn't breathe on her own - and I'm going to give her the (ready... here's some positive thinking for you...) benefit of the doubt that she never read the posts where I talk about how that "life isn't measured" saying breaks my heart now.  But when she says:

"I know you are familiar with the saying, "Life is not measured by how many breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away". Well the same goes for loving support and prayer. Its not measured by the physical gifts we receive but with the sincere love and prayers we are given."

I have to wonder... is she insinuating that somehow I am putting physical gifts at the same level of importance as my baby BREATHING?  Yes, I'm "aware of the saying" not sure how that ties in with your attempt at calling me ungrateful and negative.   I've heard it all now... wow.  Listen "Ms. J" ...and anyone who agrees with her opinion of me... please don't do me any favors....I will not be heartbroken if I don't see that extra number on my daily readers count, if I don't ever get a card or gift from you, if you never offer to come help me, and I certainly won't mind never getting another email from you - and you can actually stop offering me your "sincere love and prayers" cause your sincerity is mean and has caused me more hurt and my guess is that you don't care because you think you're right and you probably don't actually pray for me - but it does sound real nice, doesn't it? 


Oooh, this one is good:

"Thinking of you always and hoping you receive this email graciously and that it gives you the strength to humbly accept EACH of the "gifts" you have been given in this life."

Let me just make sure that there is no confusion here... this email didn't give me "strength" to humbly accept anything.  This email was pretty much useless.  (oh gosh, I'm receiving this so ungraciously, aren't I?)  I'm sorry, "Ms. J" but I'm going to be blunt...  You are full of yourself to think that YOU need to clarify to ME that "gifts" aren't just gift cards.  Remember me, I'm the one who carried my baby until she DIED IN MY ARMS.  I am well aware what my "gifts" are and your "sincere love" isn't one of them.

And last, but not least...Wise "Ms. J" says:

"I don't believe judging people's responses to a clearly impossible situation makes for a positive resolution"

Well, ain't that the pot calling the kettle black.  I suppose you don't think that's exactly what you're doing to me?   I guess if I added "I'm not judging you" before I wrote my judgement, like you did, it would be completely different?

Well, just for the record, I'm not judging you.  Only trying to help, you know, cause I care about you :o)  Have a good day!  :o)