Saturday, December 17, 2011

I Am Missing Someone

I've officially started my second year of Friday's at Rachel's grave.  I can't believe it's been this long.  I pulled up today with a few more decorations for Christmas and ornaments for her tree - and everything I put there on Sunday looked bad.  The lights had started to fall onto the front of her stone and her tree was tipping over.  The wind was blowing so hard today that everything I tried to set up, failed.  I'll have to go back tomorrow better prepared with rocks and floral wire in hand.  I hate that I'm learning the tricks of this trade...

I thought having her stone in this year was going to take the sting out of trying to make her spot look pretty in the winter.  No such luck.  It still stings.  Was I ignorant enough to think that a stone was going to make this hurt less?  Yes, yes I was.  Some times ignorance is bliss.

As I was driving over there this morning, I was talking to my friend Louise on the phone when I had one of those "do I have everyone with me?" scares.  I looked in the rear view mirror and counted...

1 - 2 - 3... and Desirae is at Art....

Not convinced.

I counted again...Des, Sam, Zay & the baby.... that's everyone I reassured myself.

"Why do I feel like someone is missing?" I asked Louise.
"Every time I count them, I always feel like I'm missing someone..."

My mind drifted to thoughts of this happening multiple times in the past 2 weeks as I have ventured out more and more with all 4 of them.  I've even had to ask Desirae "do we have everyone" because I count and feel like I'm miscounting.  Four kids should feel like a lot, why does it feel like I'm skipping a number?

I snapped back to the conversation...

"Cause I am" I blurted out.

I am missing someone. And I always will be.


  1. Hugs beautiful girl. Its those little moments that sneak up on you, isn't it. Love to you xx

  2. I feel exactly the same way. It doesn't help that people have recently asked over and over "How many kids do you have?" and "So, what number is this?"

  3. Yes there is always someone missing


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