Temporary Home

Today is the day one year ago that I had to let my baby leave the hospital with someone else - and I couldn't go too.

Excruciating Pain.
The hardest day of my life.
I still remember everything about that room.
I was sitting on the bed, Rachel on my lap, trying to dress her perfectly.  I put her "love to twirl" outfit on her (Kim had brought up a new one because the preemie one we had was too small) and I fixed her little cross necklace just right.  They gave me a moses basket to put her in and patiently waited for me to get her ready.  I put her hat on and gave them instructions to make sure they didn't let it fall off.
I swaddled her in the blanket that Des made her, it matches the one I sleep with.
I put her little lamb in with her.
They took her, promised to be gentle with her, and slowly left the room.
I fell apart there in that hospital bed, my heart being ripped from my chest.
I saw Kim quietly walk out to give us privacy.
The door closed behind them.
And that was it.  She wasn't mine anymore.  She was gone. 
I would never hold her again.

By this time last year, all the disappointments I had from her birth were starting to sink in....  and I was angry.
They gave me meds to help me sleep and I was glad to have a way to escape for a while....
if only for a while.

That day started the hardest journey I would ever take.
The most painful days I would ever endure
The constant misunderstanding I would have to face from others
The judgement I would be under from so many who think weeping and mourning are due to lack of faith.
The loneliness that grief and loss bring
The never ending ache of empty arms and a hole in my heart that cannot be filled by anyone else.
So many tears....most cannot fathom how deep the wound.

As we left the cemetery yesterday, the song on the radio was singing (I made some changes)

Old man (baby girl), Hospital bed
the room is filled with people (s)he loves
And (s)he whispers "don't cry for me, I'll see you all someday"
(s)he looks up and says "I can see God's face"

This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home.

I felt her singing it to her Mama's heart.  Part of me found comfort in that for Rachel...  this was her temporary home.  She's home now where she belongs.  The other part of me felt really discouraged for me because this life is hard.  I tried to have that "happy heavenly perspective" and feel good that I'll be there someday... but the truth is that I feel like it's too far away and I feel too weary to handle the day in and day out of the trials of this life until that day comes.

I have to say, that in my humanness, it would be a lot easier for me to believe she was somewhere else if her precious, sweet, little body that I knew so well wasn't in the cold, hard ground.

I do believe it, don't get me wrong, but I wonder why, when God took her from me in spirit, He couldn't have just had her whole body fly up to heaven too... wouldn't that make it so much easier to rest in? 

And I guess that's why they call it faith.  And nobody said faith was easy.

Heb 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see

2 Cor. 5:7
We walk by faith, not by sight