Tuesday, December 20, 2011

5 Weeks With Asa

My little man was born 5 weeks ago today.  I can hardly believe that much time has gone by.  He's growing way too fast for my liking and I have LOVED every second of being this sweet baby's Mama.  I can feel the healing part of having a baby to hold that everyone told me would happen... and yet when I hold him, my heart aches all the more for Rachel. 

Today I had him laying on my lap... he smiles at me and his eyes sparkle when he looks into mine.  He loves me almost as much as I love him :o)  But as he went in and out of sleep, his little hands kept going up into the air and back down.  I noticed that I was playing with his tiny fingers, which he had straight out.  He's so soft, so little, so perfect.  I put his hand on my wrist next to Rachel's hand print and tried to remember what it was like to hold her soft, little, perfect hands....

On the changing table tonight, I played with Asa's little feet.  He kicked them around and I kissed them and touched them to my face.  I thanked God for him, his tiny toes and asked Him to be with him wherever his little feet take him.  But as I stood there with his feet on my cheeks (I know it sounds weird)  I wished I would have played with Rachel's feet more... I hate the fact that I don't remember her feet that well.  I can picture them (and yes, her hands and feet both looked just like Asa's) but I don't remember how it felt to touch them.

Last night as we snuggled on the couch, I kissed his warm cheeks and cozy neck.  He was all scrunched up on me, legs curled up as if he was pretending he was still in my womb.  When I put his head on my chest, the beating of my heart puts him right to sleep and I listen to him breathe and watch him squirm around and grunt.  I could live in these moments forever....and yet as I feel the immeasurable joy and gratitude that comes from being able to love my Asa, I can't help but remember the cold cheeks, straight legs, the stillness of her body and the silent night that I had with my Rachel.

I know I've blogged before about the shirt I had bought for her before we knew she had anencephaly... it said "All Mama wants for Christmas is a silent night" and how I had to throw it away, I couldn't even donate it, because once I knew she wouldn't be with us on Christmas, the thought of a silent night killed me.  Well, the other day while I was out, I saw a bib that said "There is no such thing as a silent night with me around" and I thought to myself "Thank You Jesus for my nights with Asa" and my next thought was "I wish I could've heard her cry."

And as I write this post, I'm typing one-handed because Asa is on my lap nursing....I do everything with this baby and love it.  I don't take one second with him for granted and appreciate every demand he puts on me, every inconvenience he causes, every hour of sleep I lose to be able to care for his needs. 

I love being his Mama - and I love being Rachel's Mama.  And I know that my role as Rachel's Mama is different, but still important...  but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish it could be the same.  I would give anything to be able to be so inconvenienced by her demands on me.   But until the day I see her again, I will continue to love her the only way I humanly know how - and hold her little brother a little bit tighter and love him a little bit deeper than I ever have held and loved before.

We finally got her grave all set up - Matt went with me to help me and the kids ran around & played.  It was freezing out, but we got it done - and hopefully it will hold up in the weather.  I wanted to show you a pic when her lights came on, but we weren't there that late.  I'll get one of those later...

And as we went to leave, I found this on the ground next to the van (it's fake, and yes, my hands were that red from the cold!)  I put it on her stone under the "live" stone we have there. 

And in the same week that we set up a Christmas tree for our daughter's grave, we sent out the announcement for our son's birth....
Made by Lisa Borders - she used the tree and bird from his room decor!  Love it!
And here's a more recent pic since those are from when he was just 5 days old!  I mean, seriously, do they come much cuter?  I love this kid!
All my kids, except Rachel have worn these jammies... they have orange lines and we got them at my baby shower for Desirae.  I wish I would have remembered to bring them to the hospital to put on Rachel too. :o(  Asa has almost grown out of them now.  And since everyone asks, all my babies have had MORE hair than Asa, even Rachel :o)
 And so daily my heart continues to try to walk this tightrope of beauty and pain.... love and hurt....hello and goodbye.... a baby in a grave and one in a cradle.... and it still is more complicated emotionally than my words can describe, but I'm starting to think that maybe that's ok.  Some people will never be able to understand no matter how well I explain....and honestly, that's a good thing.  Because my heart breaks again and again for the people who read this post and know what I mean.

Thank You Lord for 5 weeks of sleepless nights, constant nursing, poopy diapers, difficulty leaving the house, and even all the reminders that make my heart ache for my girl....thank You for letting me keep him. Please God give me many more...


  1. Amen! I'm so glad Asa is bringing some healing to your still hurting heart.

    TJ has told me that Roly Poly was doing the same for me. I almost felt guilty that she was making me happy while I only wanted to cry for Sadie Mae. But I've realized I can be mommy to both... even though it is different. Thank you for making me realize that.

    You put things into words so beautifully! Thank you!

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  3. His announcement is adorable. He's such a beautiful baby. I'm glad you're enjoying all the little things he's doing where he's at. I didn't savor my youngest's moments and now he's a big 4-year-old. They grow much too fast!

  4. He is beautiful!!! So glad you shared all of your pictures with us. Praying for you!!! I hope your family has a Merry Christmas!!!

  5. Rachel's grave looks beautiful! She is so loved...
    And Asa is soooo precious :-D Love that he brings some healing but also reminders for Rachel to you. They have a wonderful Mommy!
    Hugs and love, anja

  6. He really is precious beyond words, as is Rachel. You are an amazing mother and I am glad to hear that God is bringing healing(slowly maybe, but nonetheless).

  7. Such a beautiful post honey. So much love for your boy, but still so much pain for Rachel. Her grave looks so beautiful!!
    And your little man is just divine!
    The announcement cards is beautiful, well done Lisa!


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Thank you! ♥ The Aubes