So tonight, I put the "hope" sign up on my door that I put up the night before Rachel's birth... You can see that post HERE - I read it and can't believe how excited I was to meet my girl. I wish tonight I was getting ready to go meet her, hold her....that I could still have the hope of the chance at a day or two with her.
But as I hung that sign on my door tonight, I was sobbing. I know the way it all played out... I've had 12 full months of the deepest pain I have ever felt...and I just want her back. But she's not coming back.
I would still do it all over again. Here's the song Phil Yoder wrote for her. Kyla brought it to me last year the night before her birthday. I didn't really relate to the "burn in rage" part last year....but today, it sums up how I feel regularly. Yet last year, I had much more support... and this year, I'm more alone than ever. Losing Rachel has been such an isolating experience for me, like a lot of moms who lose children, that I wasn't prepared for.
They’re all asking how I’m feeling
All I can say is how about you
How can I say how this pain is
Through my soul boring through
You see this life inside me now is
Destined to die in a day or two
How can I even make my way
So would you…
Pick up these shoes and carry me a while
Lift up these hands and help me smile
Stay by my side as I burn in rage
And mingle your tears with mine, please stay
Oh baby girl you feel so close now
I do not want to let you leave
I haven’t even seen your face yet
I haven’t even heard you breathe
I want to touch your tiny fingers
I want to hear your beating heart
And even if for just one moment
I’ll make sure…
I know the time is coming near now
I cannot make it start or stop
I have to trust you have a plan now
I’m sure you understand my pause
I cannot understand the meaning
Why such beauty in such pain
All I can do is ask you this now
So would you…
just a couple minutes to go before your birthday - I can imagine it's been an amazing year for you. I'm thankful for that. Mama loves you.