Missing My Gift Keeps Me Giving

Today was as long and as hard as I imagined it would be.

Asa had another breath holding scare this morning, so I had to rearrange my entire day to bring him to the doctors.  They think he is fine, but have referred us to a cardiologist to check his heart murmur, mostly to relieve my fears.  As the topic of discussion changed from Asa, to me and my anxiety, I started crying.  She is really supportive and encouraged me to bring him in as often as I need to in order to get peace of mind, reassuring me that she doesn't think I'm crazy, but she doesn't want me to lose sleep over my fears because of Rachel. (LOVE that she calls her Rachel and not a "situation")  I decided not to tell her the part where I sat up until 2:30 staring at him last night convinced he was going to die in his sleep....  I wish it was as easy as saying I'm going to choose to think positive - but right now, that's just not where I am at.  I am scared that he won't stay with me.  Last night I had to just turn it over to God and as I closed my eyes, I begged him to let me keep him.  And for today, He did.

As I walked down the hall to leave the doctors, the song by Sarah McLachlan "I will remember you" was playing... I heard the lyrics and my tears started again.  I couldn't separate whether I was crying over Rachel or my fears about having Asa taken from me - both rip my heart apart.  They tend to intertwine.  It was so hard to have to bring Asa to the doctor on the same day Rachel was buried.  It's a lot at once for this hurting, tired heart of mine.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep

Standin' on the edge of something much to deep

It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

I'm so afraid to love you

But more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness

Deep and endless night

You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life

I will remember you, will you remember me?

Don't let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I left there crying and cried the whole way to Options for Women...and as I was walking in, baby in hand...I fell down - again.  I came through their door all upset, crying "I can't even walk!"  And they do what they do best...loved this woman :o)  thanks girls. 

But the reason I was at Options was because all of you were so unbelievably generous for Rachel's Birthday, that we received $843 in gift cards!  And yes, that number ends in $43 because someone sent a card in the amount of $43, which was so thoughtful. (you didn't tell me your name, which I would like to know!!)   So, not only was I able to get the girl I told you about everything she still needed, but I also sponsored another girl through Options.  She is a young, hard working mother due in January.  AND I have money left over to sponsor another person, but God hasn't shown me who that is yet so I will hold onto it until He does and I'll let you know!  Thank you for making this all possible.  You are such a blessing.

I knew this day would be hard and so I planned to donate these gifts today.  There is only one way to help my heavy heart on days like this, and that is to do something for my girl.  Rachel Alice Aube gave me an intense desire to do things to bless others in her memory.  She is my gift who keeps me giving.  And so today, I went down and ate lunch at her grave....just me & Asa (mom was babysitting so that I could go to his appt alone)...brought her some fresh flowers and cried as I remembered standing there one year ago today as we said goodbye.  Then I went to Asa's appt and then to Options.  We filled a bassinet that they donated towards this with over $500 in clothes (a few each of size newborn to 12 months!!), diapers, wipes, blankets, sheets, toys, towels, etc!   I even got the mom and big sister a little something to encourage them.  Along the way, I was able to share Rachel's story and all your love for her with the cashiers who wondered why I was buying so much stuff :o) and I wrote the mom a letter as well. 

I wish the picture showed how much is actually in this, but it doesn't do it justice!

My original plan for the day had to be changed because of Asa's appt, and so ironically, I ended up at Rachel's grave at just before 1pm - the same time we were there last year - and I got back home around 4pm - the same time I got home after our gathering last year.  The timing was hard, so many things reminding me, even the weather.  And so I sit here tonight, I'll admit, in a much better place than I was last year on this night - and at the same time, I had no idea it would still hurt this much a year later.  Tonight, I would still like to go get her and bring her home....but it's not quite so hard to get my body to stay here.  So, I guess that's progress.

Thank you for a year of wiping my tears and crying along with me.  I am so thankful for all of you.  I don't know how I would have gotten through some of these last 365 days without you.  Your encouragement, your prayers, your support of all my projects for Rachel :o) - thank you for loving me through this - for walking this journey with me and being a part of Sweet Baby Rachel's Legacy.  Some day we will know the extent to which she truly changed hearts for God's kingdom.  I'm honored to be her mama and humbled that so many people still care.  thank you ♥