Thursday, August 25, 2011

A Disclosure on My Journey Through Anencephaly - Newer Posts Below

I've written a couple of posts recently that I haven't published.

I think the reason is because after I write them, I feel like I haven't done a good job expressing my heart in a way that will help anyone or even really give a good idea of where my heart truly is.  And, I'm afraid of being misunderstood or hurting someone. 

This has led me to question how long I plan to blog. The reason I blog has changed a couple of times since last August.  It started as a way to keep our friends and family aware of what was happening and over time changed to an unbelievable minsitry that God placed in my lap.  I had no idea the audience I would eventually have and how many people I would be blessed to help with mine and Rachel's story.

In one way, it sounds almost like a relief to stop blogging cause I guess it's getting harder to be honest since my honesty means sharing some anger and regrets.  For a long time, those weren't things that were in the forefront of my mind, although they existed, and I was always able to offset them with all the beauty that was coming from my pain as well.  Lately, I am not feeling a whole lot of beauty.  But, I feel like if I'm not completely honest and open, then blogging is pointless because I've never been into facades and hate it when other people put on a front.  I feel like such a downer and am worried that people will get tired of hearing about how much I hurt and miss Rachel.  But that's where I am at....still hurting and missing Rachel.

I've wondered how, when this blog has been the way that I have shared Rachel with the world as well as been able to minister to others, could I possibly feel okay with stopping?  The answer is for now, I can't.  I don't feel like God is calling me to stop at this point.

So I guess this is where I ask you to please be patient and gracious with me as I work through this part of my grieving process, that apparently just isn't going to be as pretty.  I want to be able to just write and not worry about using the 'right' words so that I can continue to work through this hard stuff.  But if I have to mull over every entry a million times to try not to offend anyone, I'll never finish them.  I have a lot of people to keep happy and that is a hard job in itself.

If you're still reading my blog after all this time, thank you.  It amazes me that anyone is interested in my daily ups and downs at all, never mind people I don't know.  Bear with me as I go through yet another valley in the spotlight, which is just a hard place to be.... and please forgive me in advance if I offend you while using this blog as a place to dump my negativity.  Sometimes the weight of responsibility that this blog brings me is a lot for me while I'm grieving.  I know God isn't going to leave me in this place, but trust He has me here for a purpose.  I pray that I can still bring glory to Him through it. 

Please know that, if I write a post that sounds heavy or raw, my many words here may only represent how I feel for a moment in a day and you need not worry.  Sometimes a moment feels like a lifetime and so that's how it may come across in my writing, but my lifetime is not defined by my moments.  I have a blessed life, a beautiful family, and many great people I can count on around me supporting me and loving me - but those are not the things I need to process right now.  If you are worried, please just pray for me.  The only thing worse than being judged is someone telling you they're doing it. (sometimes ignorance is bliss) I don't ask that you keep it to yourself because I am against hearing your opinion or because I'm in denial, but because it doesn't do anything but add to my pain, stress, and insecurity.  I need to be able to be where I'm at, so please let me.

That is my disclosure....hang on, it could be a bumpy ride....