She had to get going to pick up her son and so I got back in my van to finish mine before I left. I turned the van on and within seconds was bawling in the parking lot of the ice cream shop....people all around... The words of a Trisha Yearwood song cut straight through my heart:
I was trying to keep eating my ice cream, but it was pointless, I could hardly breathe, never mind eat and swallow. I started driving, which probably wasn't any better of an idea, but I just wanted to get home. Long after the song was over, I kept hearing the words.... how do I breathe without you?...and crying.And tell me nowHow do I live without youI want to knowHow do I breathe without youIf you ever goHow do I ever, ever survive?How do IHow do IO how do I live?
I thought about all the times I've said that carrying to term would be "easier" than terminating a baby mid-pregnancy because of a fatal prenatal diagnosis....and I wondered have I been lying?? Am I crazy? This can't be easier.... and immediately, I remembered that I never thought it would be easy - and I sure as heck didn't do this for myself. I did it for my daughter and for my God and had I chosen to go the "easier" route for ME, I wouldn't be in any less pain. There was no easy way out on this road. To think so is to believe a lie. But I am honored to have served them both in this way and am thankful that I won't look back years from now with any regrets or "what if's" I know I gave them both my all. It just doesn't make it easy....at least not now, maybe the "easy" comes later?
I was only ten when my Nana died, but I clearly remember overhearing my mom talking to someone else about how her chest literally hurt from her grief; the weight of a broken heart. I know that feeling, the one where it actually feels like your lungs are closing in on you...when the hurt isn't just emotional, but a real physical response to the pain. Well tonight, after a beautiful drive and in the middle of yummy ice cream, I was there again....trying to breathe through my pain. (and I thought that was just a technique for labor!)
I made it home safely, after a long ride with clouded contacts and picked my ice cream back up to finish it off in the driveway before coming in. Another song came on... Everything Good by Ashes Remain...
Somehow I don't believe that was a coincidence. Somehow I know that I was meant to hear both of those songs... it could have something to do with the fact that if I started the car a minute later - or got out of the car a second sooner, (or didn't change the station half way home) I wouldn't have heard either one - or only one, which wouldn't have meant the same thing. I might have had a less emotional ride, my "good" night might have lasted longer and I might not have a headache now.... but in the midst of these hard emotions, God was gently reminding me Who He IS. He IS enough. He IS my oxygen.You are oxygenOn a late night driveTo clear my head when hope has passed me byYou are gravityWhen I'm upside downYou help me find my way back to the groundAnd this is why
(Chorus)You're everything good, everything trueWhen all the world is fading, You're everything newYou are my eyes, when I can't seeWhen all the world is broken, You will always beEverything good
You are all I have, and all I needAnd all I am is what You've made of meAnd this is why