Not Prepared

Matt is replacing the window in Asa's room today and needed some paint for the outside trim so I went to Walmart to grab some.  They had sale racks outside with baby clothes so I stopped at the rack that said $2. It's only recently that I have started to approach clothes racks with a smile on my face. I figured I probably don't need clothes for him right now, but for that price, how can I go wrong? 

Girl clothes can make me sigh anyway, but as soon as I walked up, the first thing I saw was a little onesie with pink hearts on it.... the same one Rachel is buried in.  I said to the kids, "this is the shirt Rachel is wearing" as I wondered to myself "did I buy two of these so I could keep one?  Should I get another one now to keep in her box so I always remember what she's wearing?  I don't think I have a picture of her in it"  I hesitated.... I looked at it for a second longer, and then peeked at the boy stuff, but my mind was so preoccupied with Rachel that I decided to just go in.

As I walked through the first set of doors, there was a woman putting her little girl (probably about the age Rachel would be now) in the cart and she was wearing the same little hearted onesie that just broke my heart outside.  Des noticed too and looked up at me to check my reaction.  "And there's the same shirt again" I said matter of factly, as I forged forward.

With my furrowed brow, I fought off my tears as we continued on with our mission....  paint for the new baby's bedroom window and a big tote to keep stuff for the 2nd annual Baby Rachel's Legacy 5K.  A couple minutes into the store, Des said with excitement, "hey Mama, there's someone wearing Rachel's shirt".  I turned expecting to find another little onesie...but it was someone who had come to Rachel's race wearing the event shirt.  I saw the words on the back "In Memory of Rachel Alice Aube, 43 minutes in our arms, always in our hearts."  I smiled that I'm not the only one seeing her memory on a shirt today, but at the same time, my heart felt the ache of the fact that she's not coming back.

I couldn't help but wonder how it would be if it was me putting my girl into the cart wearing that onesie.  What would life be like if I had no idea what it was like to walk this tightrope of joy and sorrow?  The days when a shirt was just a shirt and not a reminder that my daughter is dead.  The days when a shirt didn't make me cry.  The days when a sale rack only brought excitement.  The days when going to Walmart wasn't so complicated.   I knew long before I bought that shirt that my life was never going to be the same, but I wasn't prepared for the constant reminders that come at the most random moments and how difficult it would be to continue on with life after her death.

If I'm completely honest, even with all the time I had to "prepare", I wasn't prepared for any of this.