On August 4, 2010 our hearts broke as we heard the Dr. say "she has anencephaly...these babies don't live" at our 19 wk ultrasound. The Dr. is wrong. Our precious daughter's time on earth may be short, but she will live for eternity with our Lord in heaven. During the few months we have her here with us, we intend to make the most of every second of it. Our hope is that she will leave behind more than a few short memories, but that she will leave a legacy of what it means to hope in Jesus.
I had gotten my days mixed up with everything I have going on and I thought yesterday was the 3rd... so I went and got me & Rachel some flowers. Have I mentioned that I love Studley's Flower Shop? I go in and tell them what I want to spend and Mary makes me a bouquet for me and a matching smaller one for Rachel for the price I give. Yesterday she also put Rachel's in a water tube and stood it in a box for me so that it will hopefully live longer at her grave than if I laid it down there. I always make 2 identical notes, one I put at her grave and one I put with her flowers here that I can keep. My house has not been without fresh flowers since December 2 when we got a delivery as a "Happy Birthday Rachel Alice". This is a way that I keep Rachel's place in our family present in our home. She was my little flower... perfectly made by God.
I went down to visit and it turned out to be more emotional than I had expected. I miss her so much. On one hand I can hardly believe that 8 months has gone by and on the other, it feels like it's been forever. Tomorrow is also a year since her diagnosis and when I think back over this past year and how much pain it has brought, it's impossible not to cry. I just want my baby here. It's selfish I know, since she has more than I could ever give her with and in Jesus. She's not missing out on anything. It's just me. When I stand at her grave and cry, it's not for her....it's for me. If I just look at what I've endured in this past year of life here on earth, between losing my daughter, physical pain and mean people.... would I really want her to have to endure any of this? Nope.
I got there and found a stone with a poem and a huge bouquet of white and pink daisies with a card that said "Happy Birthday Mama, love, Rachel". I don't know which one of you did that, but thank you - it meant a lot to me. I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks this way, but when a child has a birthday, I always say Happy Birthday to the mom too cause I know how special the birth of a child is, especially for the mama. It's no surprise that I would find these flowers days after my birthday, while there to wish Rachel a Happy Birthday. I thought the timing was quite fitting. God is good to me. I brought them home with me. I wondered if she knew about them....
I just want so bad to snuggle with her, hear her giggle, watch her grow.... and while there is great joy knowing I'll see her again, there is great difficulty in not knowing what to expect when I do. I don't know, because the bible is unclear on this, if I will get to do things with her that I am missing now, if she will care that I'm there or if I'll care that she's there... or will we be too preoccupied worshiping God to think about each other?
People tell me all sorts of reasoning that they think one way or the other that might feel good and even make sense, but I see nothing in scripture that gives this answer and so therefore do not know. And not knowing, for me as her mom, is hard. I like to picture her running up to me... will she be able to walk or will she be a baby forever? I like to picture her whole and healed... but is my idea of whole the same as God's? Maybe she is "whole" just the way she was when I held her 8 months ago. (it is possible that she was perfect, and we're the ones that are imperfect...) I like to picture being able to talk to her... will we talk in heaven? Will we know each other, still be mother and daughter? There are just so many unknowns and guessing doesn't make me feel better. I just have to trust that whatever it is like, it's going to be perfect. And that my idea of perfect is not accurate, or else I'd be holding her right now instead of blogging about her.
This journey has been my life lesson in walking by faith, not by sight. It's been a long year. I continue to trust that God's plan for her is better than mine was. I trust that one day I will know that with all of my being.
I miss you sweet girl...
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see ~ Hebrews 11:1