Saturday, August 27, 2011

My "Psalms"

This is one of the posts that I had written and not posted, so it's from the beginning of the week... It was originally titled "Mansion Taste Test" but after adding to it below, that changed.
I woke up this morning to Desirae standing next to me.  With her sleepy face and voice, she said "If we were having a little girl, I would want to decorate her room by painting big fields with daisies on them."

I smiled and said "I bet that's what Rachel's room in heaven looks like" - except the picture I had in my mind wasn't of a bedroom, but an actual field of flowers.

Then Isaiah came in and got under the covers with me.  He looked up at the sign on the wall and said "why is that picture crooked?"  I said it's not and he said "yeah, when one side is closer to the candles and the other side isn't, that means it's crooked"

Sam woke up and just played in his room quietly enjoying his toys....

I wondered how Rachel would have woken up this morning... I wondered what would have been on her mind?  I wondered if she would be as focused on the decorations as Des and Isaiah were... or if she would have played quietly until she saw me walk past her door like Sam.  I wondered if she was running through that field with daisies in it....

And it got me thinking about her "room" in heaven.

In the Bible, Jesus says "In my Father's house there are many mansions (some versions say rooms or dwelling places).  I go to prepare a place for you.... and I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may also be where I am" (I'm paraphrasing). 

Is a "room" in heaven what we call a room here?  Is it a 10 x 12 space he decorates with curtains and cute blankets?  I doubt it.  Is a mansion in heaven a huge house with a 3 car garage and a swimming pool?  Don't think so.  I could be wrong, but I think in our human minds it's completely impossible to fathom what God has prepared for those who believe in Him.  And I think we put our human spin on things because that is what's familiar - but I think it's far off.  Try as we might, our limited ideas of an unlimited God and His creation will never reveal what we will experience there. 

I've had people tell me in an attempt to make me feel better about my daughter being dead - "just imagine a room with all your favorite things and colors - that's what Rachel has now - decorated just for her"  I don't think so.  I have a feeling in heaven, we're a lot less self-centered than that.  I bet we'll be so focused on God that we won't care about our favorite "things and colors".  I don't think God brings us to heaven with Him for our happiness, although we will experience it I'm sure.... I think He brings us there for His Glory and to bask in His holiness and to be with Him eternally.  Yeah, that will probably include some amazing colors....some beautiful things... maybe even a field with daisies...but I don't think that His main goal to give us things we want.  I think His main goal is to give us Himself.... a place to rest and abide where there is no trouble or pain.  I'd take that over a big house or a pretty room any day.

Now if I could just try to live more heavenly minded HERE.... like we're supposed to.  If I could only be more concerned with basking in God's holiness and bringing glory to Him and being with Him than my own happiness while I'm still on earth..... If I could be less concerned with the crooked picture on the wall and more concerned with how God wants to decorate my life; my heart. 

Then maybe even on earth, we could have a better idea of what our "mansions" will look like, feel like, be like when He takes us home.  Because I have a feeling they are way more than a room with 4 walls filled with our favorite things and some pretty colors - and I believe that even a taste of what's in store for us would bring us to our knees in awe.... Just a taste of Him....

Psalm 34:8
Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

And this is my post from tonight....

That night I was feeling down, despite my best efforts to "think positively" and went out to my garden to cut some flowers for the house.  I keep fresh flowers at all times in here for Rachel and the ones I had in vases were all drooping.  The daisies in my garden all stopped blooming weeks ago, and as I went to cut some of my Black Eyed Susans, I noticed there was one little daisy budding out of nowhere.  It took me a couple days to remember to get out there and take a picture, but I finally did on Friday while cutting some more flowers for her grave.  By that time, it was fully bloomed for me.  Sam & I brought a bouquet down for her at our Friday visit.

So, as I re-read this post, I tried to figure out why I hadn't posted it... I mean, it sounds fine to me.  But it goes back to the fact that I have no tollerance for plastic smiles.  I know this post sounds positive, and I truly believe and take refuge in these words...but on a day to day basis, it's not always that easy - and I think that is why I didn't post it originally because I struggle so much in this area and am really heavy hearted lately, when everyone else expects me to be getting lighter. And although I felt like God had spoken this to my heart, I wasn't "there" yet.

After my last post, I got an email that someone decided to stop reading because it's not postive enough for her right now.  I went back and forth with God about this all day because the last thing I want is to not be helpful for others.  Matt was listening to a couple of sermons by John Piper and as I sat eating my lunch, I got my answer....

In one of them, he was talking about the Proverbs 31 woman - the one we're all supposed to strive to be like and it's almost certain we'll never quite make it... he said a lot of things about wisdom and faith and the last sentence was "It's fearlessness in the face of suffering".  I pondered those words.  Did I exhibit that while carrying Rachel?  I think so, as much as a human can.  I obviously still had fears related to her birth and my elective c-section and other choices I made, but I believe that God gave me the ability to face my suffering like I never could have without Him and I believe I glorified Him in that journey by sharing how I constantly looked to Him to hold me in my pain - and how He never failed to do so.

In the second one, he talked about believing that "God is enough" in the midst of suffering and loss.... and I know I do that as well because He is all I have and has carried me through every valley.  So, as I sat here trying to figure out if God wanted me to put aside whatever my hard moments might be and 'stay positive' for the benefit of others, I realized that it doesn't benefit anyone.  Not me, not you.  It's not real life and it says nothing about how great my God is to say that everything is fine.  All through the Psalms you see heavy hearts turn to God... the psalms start out begging for relief from the horrible pain and end saying "God is enough".  While this might be a long lonely valley for me, I know He is there and I know He is enough. 

All that said, I hear the wind and rain starting outside.  Hurricane Irene is here!  I guess I should go before the power beats me to it.  You should watch these short videos that I found so much hope and comfort in today - and reassurance that God doesn't expect me to be a robot without feelings - for me, for Him or for anyone else.  He made me the way I am, He gave me the emotions I have... all He wants is for me to see Him through them and I do.  I hope that it apparent even if some days I don't get to the end of the "Psalm" in one blog entry.... this is why I made my "disclosure", not to scare anyone away, but to say that I might not be able to bring everything around to "good" in one day (after all, I am human) - but I don't need to because God eventually will get me there, He always does.  I am still holding on to my Savior and trusting in His perfect plan for me and for Rachel.  (these are just a couple of minutes each)

When this next one was over, I turned to look at Matt and we both had tears in our eyes.... I pray that Jesus looks beautiful to all who have followed my journey with my girl.  He is beautiful to me - even without Rachel in my arms.  I may not have everything I want here - but I've got it all and more there....


  1. I'm so thankful for you Stacy. What you wrote about our flawed image of heaven is so true. Also thank you SO much for posting that last video, so many people need to see that. The sad truth is that many people are blinded by the lies that the thieves and robbers tell them from behind the pulpit.

  2. Hi Stacy -

    I had a thought regarding our happiness and God's glory.

    When your kids come to crawl in bed with you, do you think they do it to please you or because it makes them happy? And really, do you care? It's likely just great being with them, right? You want them to be happy, and even in your grief, everything you have said about Rachel indicates to me that you have real hope for her healing and happiness in heaven, even while your heart is aching here.

    So,I think God does care about our happiness, and will do things to provide it, and I think He doesn't so much mind when we look to be happy in life. I think it is part of why He created us in the first place - to live, and love Him and our fellow humans, and to be happy, enjoying life.

    Now, that doesn't mean we always will, nor does it mean that we should fake it. I am with you there.

    But I bet Rachel is happy, and that, like you said, it has nothing to do with her room.

    And I love what you said abut how we tend to define things in human terms when God probably has so much more in mind.

    I also know that doesn't heal your grief. Only God can bring you through the grief, and even then, in my experience, that loss stays with you even though the daily pain might eventually fade some. (Case in point - I still find myself wanting to call my Gram once in a while, and it has been 11 years.)

    Anyway, just wanted to share.

  3. As always your post, videos (loved the second one especially), and the song playing on your player have touched my heart and have me crying (not a bad thing-every emotion I have is accompanied with tears lol)

    I'm so thankful that you share your heart and what you are really feeling and don't try to put on a happy face. I think if you didn't share your ups and downs it would make at least me feel like there there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I do at times.

    On a frustrated note-I don't understand why people who don't like what they read don't just let it go and quit reading. IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM! This is your outlet to talk about Rachel and your feelings and what you are going through. Sorry you have to keep dealing with it!


  4. Amen!
    Thank you for sharing and being so honest!
    Much love, anja

  5. Hey, I keep checking for something new, but to no avail. I hope everything is going okay and it's a good kind of busy that's keeping you away from your blog. Miss your writing though.



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Thank you! ♥ The Aubes