I Got to Hold Her

I've lost track of how many Fridays it's been since I last held my baby girl, but although the number fails me, the pain doesn't seem to slip my mind and it certainly doesn't leave my heart alone. 

I brought Sam to Rachel's playground for a little bit this morning.  We went down the slide together a couple times, went on the swings and played a tune on the music wall... it is a pretty amazing playground.  I brought my clippers and cut back her garden that has been without flowers for a while now.  It's still nice, just all green.  Sometimes I can hardly believe that the playground really is there because of her....that my small vision last September on vacation came to be much more than that in just a few short months after her birth and death. 

After we played, I stopped home and cut a bouquet of flowers from my garden and brought them to Rachel's grave.  Her stone is so nice.  The plant I bought her has gotten used to the temperature out there and was in full bloom again, really pretty.  I set up her vase and honestly, didn't feel much emotion there today.  I remember days and days of standing in that spot just crying my heart out to God and crying half way home because I had to leave her again.  Today, that didn't happen.  I wondered if it meant this was going to stop hurting so much, but I've been dealing with grief long enough to know that it doesn't work like that.  I'm sure I'll have my days.... but today, I had peace.  At least at the cemetery. 

When I got home, I had received some of the edited pictures of my girl that my friend Lisa (started off as a blog reader!) is working on for me.  I just sat here staring at Rachel and crying.  I can really hardly believe that my baby died... that she was born without the top of her head... that she still had big curls of hair.  She looks so pretty, and I'm excited to see more pictures that show that.  Unfortunately, our photographer from NILMDTS sent us the pictures just the way they were, without editing, because I was in a rush to get them for her funeral.  So although they are great photos, there are hundreds of them that I have not shared....mostly because of her coloring/lighting, and some because her hat had moved into a bad position and was either covering too much of her face, or not enough of her head.  I guess it's just hard to let go of the fact that some people will look at her pictures and pick her apart and I want to protect her from that.  There are also some characteristics of babies with anencephaly that I feared people would judge on her, like her folded ears, which I have now come to love and miss....

I wish I would have had more time to memorize her face in person.  I do it with the other three all the time and I realized that I was doing it today with Rachel, unfortunately when I felt my heart fill up with love for her as I was looking at her, I couldn't reach out and give her a hug.  I absolutely love to kiss my kids' noses... I know, it's odd, but it's my favorite and Rachel definitely had an Aube nose (they all have their Daddy's nose) and I kissed it a lot.... but I cried as I remembered that and the fact that as the hours passed by, hers became cold on my lips.

My friend was telling me that in a midwifery book she's reading, there is a true story about a baby born with anencephaly.  I believe it was in another country and the baby lived for a couple of days.  She said they referred to the baby as a holy one because they could sense how special the baby was.  I think that is the best memory I have with Rachel....the undeniable sense that I was holding a piece of heaven....that not everybody gets the privilege of being that close to God... that she was something truly special, irreplaceable, an amazing gift and fashioned by God for His eternal purposes alone. 

And I got to hold her.... and call myself her Mama....

I miss her so much.  She is worth every single tear and every ounce of pain. 



You can see her little curls in this picture in the middle of her forehead...
she had a TON of straight hair in the back, just like all her siblings.  I wanted to take the curls from the front, but didn't want to give her a bad haircut, so I clipped some from the back



I love this dress on her, thanks Mom for bringing her a birthday present ♥

Thanks, Lisa for taking the time to work on these photos... it means so much!