Slowing Down and Getting Ready

Today my pregnancy ticker dropped below 100 days left. I remember the day that happened with Rachel, it was a hard day - time just felt like it was flying and I didn't want to see those numbers drop.  Of course, on the bottom of the ticker it also says that "brain tissue is growing fast..."  It's hard not to be sad that it wasn't the case for Rachel at this point in my pregnancy with her.  We take these things for granted... they don't always happen the way the text book says they will.

My friend Cyndie sent me an email asking what we need for Asa earlier today.  Up until now, I've had a hard time wanting to plan for him.  I still struggle to believe he's coming home with me, it's hard to explain, but if you've given birth and left the hospital empty handed, you know what I mean.

A couple months back, I went to Diapers.com to see if they had kept my baby registry from my pregnancy with Rachel - and it was still there.  It was hard to look at all the pink things I had registered for (in hopes of a girl, we didn't know yet when I registered.) and to see the due date: December 25, 2010.  I went through and painfully removed all the pink and changed it to blue, not really knowing if the registry will even ever be used.  Changing the due date was also really hard.  That day I also looked a bit at baby room decor trying to find a bed set that went with Rachel's gray walls.  I found nothing.  Actually, that's not true, I found tons of stuff that was pink that went great with gray....  so I just stopped looking, it only made me sad.

Today, after Cyndie sent me a link to some cute bedding she found, I started to look around on line for an idea I had thought of a while back... and I actually felt myself getting excited to decorate his room.  So I guess it's safe to say that I'm starting to feel like I'm having another baby and not just pregnant again.  I miss the days when the two used to go hand in hand, but the reality is that they don't. 

I think now that the race is done, and I'm all done planning any more major events for the year... playgrounds and 5K's will have to wait for next year!.... I can rest in knowing that I have done more than I would have ever imagined I would do for Rachel in just 8 short months after her death...Actually, it's recommended that you have at least 9 months for a 5K alone, never mind a big playground too!!  But both have been a beautiful expression of my love for her, a witness of God's faithfulness to us - and also a complete success, thanks to God. 

When the playground was finished, I had a hard time with the down time that came afterwards.  This isn't happening this time, I actually feel really content with all I've accomplished with God's help for my girl.  And I think God has used these 7 months of straight-out planning and big events (and pregnancy) to actually get me to the place where I am so worn out that I'm excited to slow down and be still.

And so now, I will start my planning for Asa... as scary as that may seem...  and get ready to bring my baby home.  Please Lord, let me bring this baby home.