She Counts

I was having a great morning.  I slept great last night, woke up refreshed and felt light hearted.  I felt a little like my old self today and wondered if this was part of "it" getting "easier."  Church was awesome, both the worship and the message... and then after communion, I sat down and looked at the bulletin.

Inside it there was a "fun facts" section.  The first one on the list was there were "16 babies born this year".  The next one on the list was "16 gift baskets given out".  And since I never got a gift basket (our church does really nice baskets for new babies) it dawned on me that Rachel wasn't counted in the 16 babies born this year.

Now, I'm not in any way insinuating that anyone did this intentionally, I know that.  I'm not even saying I know for sure that I'm interpreting this right, since for all I know, they are counting from January.  But in my heart of hearts I just feel like Rachel didn't get counted.  That was hard enough, but the real hard part came following the service...

I was very obviously no longer light hearted.  "I'm not doing well" was all over my face and body language, which of course begs the question "how are you, you don't look good"  ugh.  I really wish people wouldn't ask that question just so they can "fix" my "problem."  Or better yet, I wish I would get smart enough to stop trying to make people understand my heart cause they never will.

After being probed to talk about why I looked down by a couple of people, I tried to explain what I had just seen and that my heart was broken over it and all I got was excuses and reasons it shouldn't bother me.   I was all done with my smile and nod routine today... it does bother me.  I hate the fact that she doesn't count.  She should still count.  I gave birth to a baby and I go to church there.  She should be in the numbers.  But she's not.  I walked outside and looked at her playground, covered in kids playing and laughing and thought "not one of the 16, huh?"  sigh.

To me, she counts.  To me, we are a family of 6.  To me, there were 17 babies born in our church this year, with just 16 gift baskets needed.  (maybe 17 babies born, 16 gift baskets given and 1 playground donated would have been more accurate)

But, if I've completely misunderstood that and they were counting since January or gave Rachel's basket to some other baby who wasn't counted in the numbers,  well... I still have feelings and pushing them aside to make sure I don't have a negative attitude is just plain hurtful.  My thoughts and feelings will NOT always be logical or grounded.  I wish that was the case.  I wish I could talk myself out of being sad and hurt.  But, all it would have taken was a hug and a "She counts" and my heart would have felt at least a little bit better.  It's really hard feeling completely misunderstood all the time.  Nobody hears my heart - they assume they know and are too busy telling me how it "really is" or how "nobody would do that intentionally" (as if I don't know that) to meet me where I'm at... however irrational that may be.

I wish I could just hide myself and my heart away in a place where I am free to be where I'm at and where people didn't expect so much of me all the time.  A place where I knew I was alone and so I never got disappointed with someone else making me feel that way.  My patience are wearing thin, my hormones are winding me up and pretty soon, I'm going to start saying things I regret.  I might be better off staying alone in my house for the next few months so I can count my girl as many times a day as I want and need without getting funny looks, input on "the grief process", judgement on my feelings, comments about how I look tired, worn out, huge, etc, etc (yes, people said all three of those to me today alone) ... or all the pat answers that I'm so tired of hearing, no matter how well-intentioned they are.

So much for "it" getting "easier".  Will this ever let up?  I don't have the energy it requires to please everyone around me right now... although, all that basically would require is pasting a smile on my face and not talking to anyone... maybe I'll try that.  Back to the smile and nod routine, I guess?  But just to be honest, while I'm smiling and nodding on my face, that's not what's happening in my heart... if that matters, then count her with me....say her name... tell me you understand.... say nothing and give me a hug... do anything but discount her or my feelings about her, please.