Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Started my first prenatal water aerobics class last night.  I was worried about being around so many pregnant women and having to listen to what people who haven't lost babies this year talk about while pregnant.  But it wasn't bad.  I will say that when they had us go around the circle and say our names, how many kids we had and if we knew if we were having a boy or a girl, I felt a little out of place when all but one of them said it was their 1st baby.  The other girl was on her 3rd and when I said "this is my 5th baby" everyone gasped.  I went for the idea that "they must think I look too young to have 5 kids" :o) and not that they were thinking "AHHH - 5 KIDS!?" 

I had a couple of one on one conversations with people where I told them about Rachel after being asked how old my kids were.  I said it quickly and moved on... "and my 4th baby, Rachel, was born in December but she passed away - and so I feel like I've been pregnant forever...."  I just hate dropping the dead baby bomb and waiting for some type of awkward response, so I let them off the hook as quickly as possible and changed the subject for them.  I hope I didn't come across as indifferent.  I'm still learning as I go. 

I had an appt today at the new doctors.... ugh, I just don't know what to do.  I am driving all the way to this place so that I have the possibility of a VBAC, but I don't even know if I should try that.  This doctor doesn't speak good English, was abrasive in how she spoke to me and was very unhappy about all of my decisions as far as testing goes and let me know it.  I hate having to debate with doctors about my medical choices... she was treating me like a clueless young girl who has no idea what I'm saying no to.  I don't do the extra testing for a reason and it's a reason that I have happened to think through.  She also was insistent that I get the genetic counseling and a level 2 ultrasound.... ok, I would like the ultrasound, but the counseling would be to find out if, based on my family history, there is anything else I need to worry about - and well, I just don't need help coming up with things to worry about.  I do a fine job of that all on my own.  Plus, I don't have time for long, useless appt's.

So, after listening to her for 30 mins, I left scared to have a c-section, scared to have a VBAC, scared to carry through this pregnancy (she told me that I my scar could rupture just from being pregnant and about people who have had their scar tear open during pregnancy) and now I'm totally confused as to what to do as far as my doctor and where to deliver.  Before I even left there, I was crying in the bathroom.  I just kept trying to talk myself through it...  "you had a c-section for Rachel, you can do it for Asa... it will be fine"  But even though I've been through it before, I am still scared to death of getting cut open again.  Yeah, I did it for Rachel, but I knew it could be her life on the line... Any dangers were for me, not her.  There is a chance of danger for me with a VBAC, but also for my baby, which isn't a risk I'm willing to take.... I don't think.  I don't know what to do.  This is the first place who has said this to me.  Maine Med told me I would be fine, the place I was just going to said I would be fine.... and now this, I don't know who to believe and I don't like to make decisions based on fear... but my fears are so real and I don't want to have any regrets.  I'd go back to Maine Med, but just don't know how I would handle being there again.

I cried the whole way home cause I feel like I'm just floating around drifting from one place to another and getting nowhere.  I'm almost 7 months pregnant, I'd like to know where I'm going to for a doctor and where I'll deliver.  The other scary part is that they don't schedule a c-section until a week ahead of time, but I have yet to make it that close to my due date, I always go into labor early at least a week or two. 

I tried to fill my mind with the Truth - that God is in control... their statistics and opinions don't matter... and that God will protect me.  But I felt so discouraged that I'm in that place again, just like with Rachel, where I feel like none of my choices are ones I want.  Obviously this doesn't compare to that, but the feeling is the same - helpless.  Helpless over my well being and helpless over my baby's.  I guess it's not a horrible place to be - it's in this place that I realize how desperately I need God and where I have nothing I can do, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust Him.  Please pray that He will give me a clear answer on these things.

Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths


  1. Stacy,

    I will be praying that God will give you peace about whatever decision you make. I'm sure this is a very scary time and decision for you. I'll pray for His comfort for you also.

    A couple things I would like to share, that I hope are encouraging. I have a friend who had a c-section with her first child and has had 5 subsequent VBACs with no complications. Also uterine rupture is very rare and not only refers to the actual rupture, or tear, of the uterine scar (extremely rare) but also the thinning of the scar; therefore, making the use of the term very deceiving (IMO).This (thinning, if any) can be monitored throughout pregnancy, thus reducing the risk during labor and deliver. But I'm sure you will be doing your own research as you look into options. =)


  2. Praying that God will clearly guide you in the way that He wants you to go to, Stacy. He is there with you now and every second of the way. Praying that He will hold you close and comfort you. <3

  3. I had an emergency C-section with my baby so I dont have the experience of a vaginal birth such as you. But I say eliminate as much fear as you possibly can.

    If scheduling a C-section makes you feel like you have more control, then do that. If trying for a VBAC is something you want to try then do that. No doctor is going to let you do something that will put you in extreme danger. You have to trust that you are in good hands, and that if they thought you were not a candidate, they would not even attempt it.

    It will be okay. I understand the fears that go along with what is to come. Its a big deal. But make the decision that will help you be at most ease that day. Try to remember a time when you did it before and you felt like a pro. Or you felt confident you were making the right decisions. Dont second guess yourself. You are in good hands.

    Focus your energy on the positive as much as possible. Maybe that will put your mind at ease when making this decision.

    Good luck!!!!!

  4. There are so many stories of successful VBACs. Even women who have had multiple c-sections and then a successful VBAC. Your body is made to have a baby, and medical technology nowadays allows the doctors to stitch you back up after a c-section in a way which heals properly. Fight for what you want. It's your body, it's your baby, it's your choice.


  5. Praying. I hate that you have to feel all these worries and that you are getting such conflicting information. I have no answers for you, but I am praying for you to be given strength, wisdom, peace, and helpful medical advice. Tuck into His love.

  6. Praying and thinking of you! Hugs, anja

  7. I am sure that you will make the right choice as you seek God in this decision. I have not had a c-section, but my sister in law had one with my nephew(unnecessary) and has since had 2 Home births with the assistance of a midwife and my brother(her husband). I know she reads your page and if you care at all to, you could contact her through her page. Their website is I'll keep you in my prayers.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes