I had a couple of one on one conversations with people where I told them about Rachel after being asked how old my kids were. I said it quickly and moved on... "and my 4th baby, Rachel, was born in December but she passed away - and so I feel like I've been pregnant forever...." I just hate dropping the dead baby bomb and waiting for some type of awkward response, so I let them off the hook as quickly as possible and changed the subject for them. I hope I didn't come across as indifferent. I'm still learning as I go.
I had an appt today at the new doctors.... ugh, I just don't know what to do. I am driving all the way to this place so that I have the possibility of a VBAC, but I don't even know if I should try that. This doctor doesn't speak good English, was abrasive in how she spoke to me and was very unhappy about all of my decisions as far as testing goes and let me know it. I hate having to debate with doctors about my medical choices... she was treating me like a clueless young girl who has no idea what I'm saying no to. I don't do the extra testing for a reason and it's a reason that I have happened to think through. She also was insistent that I get the genetic counseling and a level 2 ultrasound.... ok, I would like the ultrasound, but the counseling would be to find out if, based on my family history, there is anything else I need to worry about - and well, I just don't need help coming up with things to worry about. I do a fine job of that all on my own. Plus, I don't have time for long, useless appt's.
So, after listening to her for 30 mins, I left scared to have a c-section, scared to have a VBAC, scared to carry through this pregnancy (she told me that I my scar could rupture just from being pregnant and about people who have had their scar tear open during pregnancy) and now I'm totally confused as to what to do as far as my doctor and where to deliver. Before I even left there, I was crying in the bathroom. I just kept trying to talk myself through it... "you had a c-section for Rachel, you can do it for Asa... it will be fine" But even though I've been through it before, I am still scared to death of getting cut open again. Yeah, I did it for Rachel, but I knew it could be her life on the line... Any dangers were for me, not her. There is a chance of danger for me with a VBAC, but also for my baby, which isn't a risk I'm willing to take.... I don't think. I don't know what to do. This is the first place who has said this to me. Maine Med told me I would be fine, the place I was just going to said I would be fine.... and now this, I don't know who to believe and I don't like to make decisions based on fear... but my fears are so real and I don't want to have any regrets. I'd go back to Maine Med, but just don't know how I would handle being there again.
I cried the whole way home cause I feel like I'm just floating around drifting from one place to another and getting nowhere. I'm almost 7 months pregnant, I'd like to know where I'm going to for a doctor and where I'll deliver. The other scary part is that they don't schedule a c-section until a week ahead of time, but I have yet to make it that close to my due date, I always go into labor early at least a week or two.
I tried to fill my mind with the Truth - that God is in control... their statistics and opinions don't matter... and that God will protect me. But I felt so discouraged that I'm in that place again, just like with Rachel, where I feel like none of my choices are ones I want. Obviously this doesn't compare to that, but the feeling is the same - helpless. Helpless over my well being and helpless over my baby's. I guess it's not a horrible place to be - it's in this place that I realize how desperately I need God and where I have nothing I can do, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust Him. Please pray that He will give me a clear answer on these things.