Thursday, May 19, 2011

A Few Requests From a Human in Need

The other night I finally got on my blog email to catch up and found another unhappy reader's email from last week.  It was at least in a nice tone, but unhappy with me none the less.

All I could do it cry.  I have spent hours... and days...  thinking about and praying about the concerns of these few people and I am at a loss.  I've re-read my posts and I'm not in denial, I know they are rough, because right now, I'm in a rough place.  But I am not sure they require such harsh judgement from people who are supposed to care about me. It's very discouraging.  I want to defend myself and the ways I've been misunderstood, I want to try to make people understand I'm grieving...and no matter how many times I tell myself Jesus didn't defend Himself, I still want to.  I am not going to though.  I'm just going to say I'm sorry.

I am truly sorry for any offense I have caused any of you.  I obviously never want to do that. 

So, hopefully we can leave that in the past and talk about moving forward...

What makes me sad is that the point of this blog, my journey with Rachel, has somehow turned into something it isn't for many people.  It seems that many think it's a place for them, not me. 

I am honored that so many people read my blog.  I am thrilled that you normally feel uplifted and encouraged through my words.  I am humbled that even in the deepest sorrow I will ever feel, I have been able to help others.  I am grateful that I have such a big audience and I know that it comes with responsibility.  But listen people, I am only human.  I am a human who started this blog because my daughter was going to die.  I am just a girl who had to watch my baby be born without the top of her head and die in my arms and  I am broken.  I need you more than you need me. I am sorry if I have let you down on what you believe the purpose for my blog is... but the real purpose is for me to have a place to work through my burdens - and hope that you will want to help me carry them.

I did not start this blog because I am some kind of spiritual giant who has so much to offer - or to even be the light I have been blessed to be.  I didn't start it so I could bring people to God (although I'm amazed that it has happened!)  I didn't start it for the Christian men and women sitting in church who already know God.

I started it because I didn't know what else to do. I started it for the girl like me who hears the doctor say "your baby is going to die" and doesn't know what to do either.  I started it for my baby. I started it to encourage people to choose life...even when it's only going to mean death.  I write because I need to.   I have never been one to talk well about my feelings... as I sat here crying uncontrollably last night, Matt sat next to me and neither of us spoke a word.  I cried for well over an hour a deep, heart wrenching cry, as he watched speechless and I could not even find ONE word to SAY to him about how I feel.  I can't do it... and I believe that is why God gave me the gift of writing.  It's healing for me.

The last 3 weeks have been my hardest yet.  I have started to wonder if I am getting to really be depressed and have struggled to want to participate in "life" these days.  Yesterday morning when I woke up, the first thought on my mind is "I wish I was dead - and not because I can't wait to get to heaven".  And I have continued to be taunted with these thoughts the past two days.  I'm so tired of this life, where not only does the God who can move the mountains allow my daughter to die, but the people who are supposed to mourn with me through it have left me to do it alone or are avoiding me, criticizing me and have no empathy for me.  And normally, when I'm having this hard of a time, I blog... A LOT.  Or I call people and talk... but after the way people have been treating me (or 'quietly' judging me) these past couple weeks, I don't want to do either.

I'm also at a point where I'm upset with God.  I have never experienced this before, for more than a moment at a time, since I've been a Christian... not even yet in my journey with Rachel... and it's scary to me.  And honestly without feeling close to God or the people who are supposed to be his hands and feet to me...  I just want to give up and if I didn't have kids, I already would have.

This blog is about MY journey with Rachel. My pain, my joy, my sorrow... God's strength and provision - and my daily life with all it's ups and downs. Often this will include situations that tore my heart out.  It's my blog and they are my feelings and if it's not uplifting enough for you or you think I'm dishonoring God with my honesty maybe there's another blog that would better suit your needs.  But if your care about mine, I need support and love (even in my imperfectness) ....and to hear that you and God love me and care for me and are there for me - not how I've disappointed you both. 

I wish that the original intent for this blog could have remained and that people would not put such high expectations on me when I am not really capable of living up to them right now... I'm not standing behind a pulpit, I'm a grieving (pregnant) mother.  I think I've done a pretty decent job in all these months of blogging through my grief to honor my God.  But I'm only human.  The only difference between me and you is that I can't lie about or be in denial about my failures because they are all written down for everyone to see. 

Please read my blog with a heart to love me.  Please remember it's my story with my daughter and the grief of losing her. Please don't put so much pressure on me for this to be a place other than that.  Please don't email me if you don't have anything nice to say.  At least you can choose whether or not you read this, emails are not something I can avoid.  And please, for heaven's sake, if you have a question about any of the things I write talk to ME... not anyone else. (email NOT preferred)  My blog is not endorsed by my church so please don't approach my/our pastor with your concerns either.  That is unless we're going to start asking him about everything everybody posts on their facebook or talks about in a less obvious setting too...let's play fair.  I understand there is a spotlight on me... please keep in mind that, that in itself is a heavy burden to bear and try not to make it worse for me.

I appreciate you all so much and pray that you hear my heart in this, which is really just desperate for your love and support... and too weak to handle any more pain.  Please pray for me as I walk this unending journey through the loss of my child.


  1. Stacey, I just prayed for you before I came to see your new posting. And now I'm reading your post and I feel so sorry for how you feel at the moment. I love your blog (I even talk about it in my church) and I'm impressed about your path of life and the guidance of our God in it. God loves you, Stacey, and so do I. I'm your sister in Christ and I'm really happy about it even if I don't know you in real and I live quiet (okay, really) far away from you. You are an amazing mom and wife with some defaults like everyone of us. I will keep on praying for you and your family.
    Much love and hugs, anja

  2. *hug* this is definitely a space for you and your journey and you should feel free to blog about whatever emotion or thoughts you would like.

  3. Please don't stop "blogging" and saying it like it is! You ARE a real person, struggling with the loss of one absolutely beautiful baby girl AND pregnant and awaiting the birth of a brand-new baby to love! Hormones rage, Grief strikes, the mundane daily stuff remains to be done - and you are juggling so much!
    Continue on - and know that there are those of us who love you, even though we have never met you. And your honesty in writing about all that you go through is what makes your blog so important for all to read.
    Keep on doing what you're doing - one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Rachel continues to make a difference, and so do you!

  4. finally a post! i have had you on my heart all day!
    loving you from afar my sister in Christ. so sorry for the unnecessary pain others have caused you. i pray that you will find the strength and courage to keep moving forward in this life til one day you can hold your Rachel again.

  5. Love you, support you, and am praying for you always.

  6. Oh sweet Stacy. How I wish I could be there right now to give you a big hug and just sit and cry with you. My heart aches with you on so many levels.

    I wish I could tell you that it will get better SOON, but its a long road. Just PLEASE know that you are not alone on that road, even when it seems darkest.

    Keep writing. Keep processing. Keep loving. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Your words have helped clean out old, painful wounds within many of our hearts. I love you. I watch you and I marvel.

  7. It is your right to write what you feel no matter what people think or say. Im sorry people continue to say things against you.

  8. Very well said! lots of love coming your way!


  9. Stacey~
    I am here with you still supporting you, loving you and Rachel and Matt and the kids and Baby Aube. I am praying constantly for you as you are in this dark, lonely place. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help, call.....
    Love and prayers,

  10. Beautifully written, you really show your heart in your writing. We LOVE you and we feel so blessed to have you in our lives:) Sending hugs and prayers to you my dear friend!!!

  11. Stacy,

    You have said nothing wrong in any of your blogs. A blog is really nothing more than a public diary. And if the reading public finds something annoying in any of them it is up to them if they want to continue to read. There are plenty of people who told me they read your blog but wouldn't continue to beacuse it was too upsetting. I guess it may be like family or friends who shun or judge a dying loved one (familiar with that one)because it is too upsetting "to see them like that". When love and support or simply sitting shiva is all they need. I suppose just as it takes special people to do the sometimes difficult work of Hospice - so it takes special people to lift those left grieving in the wake of the sometimes difficult walk we call life. You have many special people in your world, and apparently some who are woefully inadequate to the task of being a support to you in this journey. There will always be those who challenge and/or judge you in the very worst (and best) moments of your life. I think that is why during the most stressful days God sees fit to add and remove (or at least keep at a distance)people in your life, sometimes at a dizzying pace. It is hard in those moments to see the "Godwinks". But they are there. And so am I.

    Love, Mom

  12. I love you guys and I'm continually praying for you!

  13. Praying .... and reading with a heart that loves you! <3


  14. Praying ... and reading with a heart that loves you! <3

  15. sending hugs and love, Stacey.

  16. Sending hugs and love, Stacey.

  17. Stacy,

    I have not commented in a while b/c I am mad. I am very upset that you are being judged by the way you are handling your grief. It's YOUR GRIEF! This is YOUR space. If people don't want to read about it then they SHOULDN'T!!!

    OK. Sorry. I just really had to get that off my chest.

    Stacy, your story has touched me so much. Your strength and faith are amazing. B/c of you and Rachel, I go to church again. B/c of you and Rachel, I have come to peace with God over my pregnancy losses. B/c of you and Rachel, I wake up each day and see the beauty and love that God has bestowed upon us. I look forward to your posts everyday. I pray for you everyday. Thank you for your blog and for sharing your story with us and for telling it like it is. I think you are amazing! :)


  18. Stacey,
    I am and will continue to pray for you. My heart goes out to you. I have thought of you often these past couple of days watching to see your next entry. Your blog has been a healing for many and I hope it continues to help you with your healing. Your words are honest and I think thats what most people appreciate. I want you to know that I am truly praying for you and want to hear what God is doing and how He is providing. I know it seems so tough, let God continue to carry you , He loves you so much and praise Him for that.
    Your sister in Christ,

  19. I'm so sorry some people are making your journey about them. I love you and support you and wish I could give you a big hug and sit and have a chat/cry with you. God loves you and I truly see Him, through your pain, in your writing. Thank you for sharing your journey and your sweet Rachel with us.

  20. Your blog should be a place where you can share and process what is on your heart. Sorry that people aren't understanding. It would seem like if they really cared for you, they would approach you in person to talk. You have not disappointed God with the things you have or will say. He knows our heart and our emotions. He created us. God feels our pain. He gave up His only Son.He want you to be real.Praying for a real good friend to come alongside you to encourage and weep with you.

  21. Wanted to send you a BIG HUG of support. I'm so sorry that some people in your life aren't supporting you on your grief journey. As you've said - only someone who has walked a similar journey can possibly understand. Keep writing for you!! The heck with them! =)

  22. Just prayed for you & Matt as you walk this road together. Obviously it's not easy.

  23. Hey Stac,
    thank you for (once again) clearing the air-but this time I don't know how you could have cleared it any better! But these are all things that you really shouldn't have to say, and I'm sorry that you have had to say them :( I think you have said enough that people should already understand that your pain and your grieving and your losing your precious daughter Rachel is not about them, so I don't know what their problem's obviously just them. Not you. I know that God does not condemn you for the things you have said and the way that some people think you have done things. God knows soooo much better what you are really going through than anyone thinks they know. I really don't believe God condemns you for being angry at Him either. I believe He is just holding you, and that He will continue to, no matter what you do or say or think, no matter what anyone else does or says, others might desert you, but He will never let you go. You are His child and you always will be. And you have so many people that love you and will keep loving you and keep praying for you, no matter what. I love you and I think you are a wonderful mother and woman. I pray for you & think of you every day. I pray that He will draw you ever closer to Himself, the One who knows your heart better than anyone, even better than you, the One who loves us more than we can comprehend love, and the only One who can heal your wounds and quench the pain that is so awful right now. I won't stop loving you & praying for you girl.

    Psalm 56:8 You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?

  24. Always thinking and praying for you Stacy! You can not let these people bring you down. This blog is for you and Rachel and they have the option of not reading it! It is so sad that some people can be so hurtful when you are already hurting enough. I am always here for you. Love you.

  25. It is your blog! It is your grief! It is your life!

    Your mom is so right. Why should people read public diaries and then judge the person who writes them?

    Don't let these people "take over". This blog is about Rachel, right? Focus on this, and let the rest pour down on you like rain over oilskins. If you can.

    I wish you again a lot of strength and power and a lot of loving people to comfort you... and a lot of not only virtual arms to help you and hold you.

    As far as I can tell from reading your blog, I think you are a very brave, courageous and honest person :-) -- I really mean this.

    Hug, M.

  26. I didnt even finish reading this post yet(I will)but I have to say something. Mourning a death can get incredibly ugly and it can be beauitful and it comes in a million different forms. You should not be judged for your honesty. Even if I didnt agree with you one bit (which is not the case), I have no right to tell you how to feel. I have no right to act like how you mourn is affecting me personally and then tell you that. This is your journey and we are willingly reading your perspective. We may not always agree with people in life, but thats shouldnt kick people when they are down.

    I do have to say that if your personal friends in your life are concerned for you and what not that there is a way to do it with kindness. They shouldnt get all defensive and make it about them.

    I dont know you personally, but it sure feels like it sometimes. I hurt for you, I pray for you and your family. And I dont pretend to know what it is your are going through. But I do know that as a human with a heart, that I should respect your feelings or dont say anything at all...or in this case, they can stop reading.

    I wish you all nothing but the best. I know this new baby or any others for that matter will replace Rachel, but I sure hope it brightens your world.
    Best of luck!

  27. Sadly Stacey some poeple just don't get it :( and some never will. This is YOUR place, RACHEL'S place not anyone elses. At the end of the day only God's thoughts are what count and He loves you. Hang in there dear and know you are loved. Praying for you.

  28. I care for you. I can not believe how cruel people can be.

  29. This comment is for the readers who Stacy is referring to, the ones who judge her and think they're so smart to email her upsetting messages: Unless you've walked a mile in HER shoes, which you have NOT...if you have nothing good to say, don't speak and if you don't like what she writes, don't read her blog! You are reading this by choice! She isn't living this by choice!

    Stacy, you are an amazingly strong and courageous person and I admire you immensely! You are a beautiful person and a wonderful mother! Continue writing your blog! I so look forward to reading it!

    Much love and BIG hugs!


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes