Today was just plain hard

Today was just plain hard.  I'm sad.  I'm mad.  I'm irritable.  I'm impatient. 

I don't even think I'm going to be able to find words for how I actually feel right now.  I can't say I want to and I can't even say that I'm seeking God to help me with how I feel.

This past week combined with my grief and hormones has pretty much put me into overload....

I have no energy to keep up with the house work - and it's a disgusting mess around here.  I have been doing laundry literally ALL day and still am not done - and you can't even tell cause now it's just folded all over the messy house.  But soon it won't be, it'll all be in a big ball again since nobody will put them away and I just can't right now.  My kids have no concept of what it means to help around here.  Everything from the curtains to the floor to my bedroom are dirty and cluttered and I can't seem to get us out of this no matter how hard I try.  I haven't seen my counter top in months and am certain that there is important mail I'm missing since I have piles everywhere. On top of that, I still have playground stuff I'm doing (and trying to plan) and the back of Rachel's sign that I need to paint and can't without Matt's help since I'm pregnant - except Matt's super busy too so it just isn't happening.  I'm tired. I'm worn out.  I'm only one person.  I HATE living like this - it's not my style at all and quite honestly it drives me crazy.  It's gross. 

Matt's car was dead again this morning so when he came home (on his bike) he spent forever outside working on it while I had the kids all whining at me.  When he finally came in, I was about to run out to get some "fresh air" when we had a huge downpour!  "When it rains, it pours"  right?

Tomorrow Des & I have our music lessons and then she has a dance recital - and I have to drive us up there (1/2 hour away), then drive back to get Isaiah from school and Sam from home and then *back* up to her recital with the boys at nap time...  can't wait.  And I won't even get into the fact that I told Des to put her clothes that she has to wear to dance in a safe place so we wouldn't have to look for them and I've been listening to her complain and whine that she can't find them for close to 2 hours now - oh, and blame me cause I'm supposed to keep track of everything around here.  I really just want to clock out for a while.  But there's no such thing for a full time mama.  I'm burnt out.  It's been a LONG, HARD year. 

And at my prenatal visit last Monday, she said she would call me about a couple of things... one being when I'll have my ultrasound since I'm officially far enough along to see if my baby has a head... and she never did.  I called on Friday and still haven't gotten a call back.  The office visit took almost 2 hours so maybe they are just on a take-ten-times-longer-than-everyone-else kind of schedule.  But I would like to get this going... I'd like to know if I have a chance of bringing this baby home with me in November or not.  Should I get the crib out?  Buy stuff?  Pick names?   I guess I'd need all but the crib anyway, right? 

So, I guess I'm just a big ball of emotions - and unfortunately, contrary to what some think I should be feeling, the 'bad ones' are overtaking the good ones.  I'm pretty detached from our new baby right now and hate it.  I'm hoping that will change when I hear that (s)he has a head... but I can't promise that.   I am careful to take good care of him or her but that's about as far as it goes.  Today I rocked the baby like I used to with Rachel, just as an attempt at bonding and all I could do was think about Rachel.  And feel guilty about it.  I miss her. 

Today was just plain hard.