Monday, May 16, 2011

Today was just plain hard

Today was just plain hard.  I'm sad.  I'm mad.  I'm irritable.  I'm impatient. 

I don't even think I'm going to be able to find words for how I actually feel right now.  I can't say I want to and I can't even say that I'm seeking God to help me with how I feel.

This past week combined with my grief and hormones has pretty much put me into overload....

I have no energy to keep up with the house work - and it's a disgusting mess around here.  I have been doing laundry literally ALL day and still am not done - and you can't even tell cause now it's just folded all over the messy house.  But soon it won't be, it'll all be in a big ball again since nobody will put them away and I just can't right now.  My kids have no concept of what it means to help around here.  Everything from the curtains to the floor to my bedroom are dirty and cluttered and I can't seem to get us out of this no matter how hard I try.  I haven't seen my counter top in months and am certain that there is important mail I'm missing since I have piles everywhere. On top of that, I still have playground stuff I'm doing (and trying to plan) and the back of Rachel's sign that I need to paint and can't without Matt's help since I'm pregnant - except Matt's super busy too so it just isn't happening.  I'm tired. I'm worn out.  I'm only one person.  I HATE living like this - it's not my style at all and quite honestly it drives me crazy.  It's gross. 

Matt's car was dead again this morning so when he came home (on his bike) he spent forever outside working on it while I had the kids all whining at me.  When he finally came in, I was about to run out to get some "fresh air" when we had a huge downpour!  "When it rains, it pours"  right?

Tomorrow Des & I have our music lessons and then she has a dance recital - and I have to drive us up there (1/2 hour away), then drive back to get Isaiah from school and Sam from home and then *back* up to her recital with the boys at nap time...  can't wait.  And I won't even get into the fact that I told Des to put her clothes that she has to wear to dance in a safe place so we wouldn't have to look for them and I've been listening to her complain and whine that she can't find them for close to 2 hours now - oh, and blame me cause I'm supposed to keep track of everything around here.  I really just want to clock out for a while.  But there's no such thing for a full time mama.  I'm burnt out.  It's been a LONG, HARD year. 

And at my prenatal visit last Monday, she said she would call me about a couple of things... one being when I'll have my ultrasound since I'm officially far enough along to see if my baby has a head... and she never did.  I called on Friday and still haven't gotten a call back.  The office visit took almost 2 hours so maybe they are just on a take-ten-times-longer-than-everyone-else kind of schedule.  But I would like to get this going... I'd like to know if I have a chance of bringing this baby home with me in November or not.  Should I get the crib out?  Buy stuff?  Pick names?   I guess I'd need all but the crib anyway, right? 

So, I guess I'm just a big ball of emotions - and unfortunately, contrary to what some think I should be feeling, the 'bad ones' are overtaking the good ones.  I'm pretty detached from our new baby right now and hate it.  I'm hoping that will change when I hear that (s)he has a head... but I can't promise that.   I am careful to take good care of him or her but that's about as far as it goes.  Today I rocked the baby like I used to with Rachel, just as an attempt at bonding and all I could do was think about Rachel.  And feel guilty about it.  I miss her. 

Today was just plain hard. 


  1. So sorry for all your hard times. I've been having them today too. I'll keep you in my prayers... for better days to come :)

  2. I understand how you feel about being only one person. That is how it goes here at my house too. Everyone thinks that I am the only one that can do anything. I am to the point where you are, except when my husband comes in, he does what he wants to do so he isn't busy, he just doesn't help me. I feel like all I ever do is clean and then in 30 minutes, you can't even tell that I have done a thing. Its so depressing. Having a 2 year old and an 8 month old is so hard when cleaning bc the 8 month old thinks he has to be attached to my hips so I never get breaks :( Thanks for letting me vent:) I pray that your week gets better. Also praying for everything to be perfect with the baby when you go back to the doctor. I know that our God is able. I know its hard right now getting attached to the baby bc you miss Rachel so much and you're scared of what is to come but its times like this that God carries you!!! Sending (((HUGS))) your way!!!

  3. Awww Stacey~
    I am praying for you. That is all that I can do for now. Don't overly stress about the messy house, my doctor actually just to me to lower my expectations and just get my family well...the house will be there and it probably won't get much worse in a week than after just one day if your kids are anything like mine. Give yourself a break....allow yourself to cry and just be frustrated. I will pray that either the things will not disturb you as much as they are right now or that Matt will be freed up enough to help you out for a while.

    Also, you will bond with your baby as time goes by. Be patient with yourself and don't overstress about that either. God will work it out in His timing.

    I will pray that the doctor's office gets their act together quickly. That is just frustrating. You don't need that kind of stress in your life at the moment.

    Keep loving on those precious kids and your husband. God will fight for you! :) Exodus 14:14
    Lots of hugs and prayers,
    Carrie :)

  4. Keep your chin up, your heart open and your eyes on the future.

    Love you, Mom

  5. Slow me down, LORD,
    Ease the pounding of my heart
    by the quieting of my mind.
    Steady my hurried pace with a vision of the eternal reach of time.
    Give me, amid the confusion of the day, the calmness of the everlasting hills.
    Break the tensions of my nerves and
    muscles with the soothing music of the singing streams that live in my memory.
    Help me to know the magical, restoring power of sleep.
    Teach me the art of taking minute vacations of slowing down to look at a flower, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog, to read a few
    lines from a good book.
    Slow me down, Lord, and inspire me to send my roots deep into the soil of life's enduring values that I may grow toward the stars of my greater destiny."

    Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

  6. That does sound "just plain hard." Oh, Stacy - I wish somehow, someway it could get easier. I'd say maybe time will help heal this pain - but I can't tell you that. Who knows if pain like this ever really 'goes away.'
    I understand the practical side of things completely - I too become a frazzled mommy when it feels like things are a mess! It's frustrating, for sure, & I'm NOT pregnant or grieving! :0


  7. *Hugs* I'm sorry you had an especially rough day! Sorry I don't have any great pearls of wisdom for you but know that I'm praying for you. Hope tomorrow is a better day!


  8. (((((Stacey))))) Praying for you!

  9. While reading your post, I just kept thinking of Psalm 121...Praying for you

  10. Oh Stacy, my heart hurts for you. I wish I could take the pain away for you, make it better. My prayers are flooding heaven's gate for you this week.

  11. As always, I am praying for Peace and Healing for your broken heart. I so wish I were able to come over and clean house for you!! I understand that overwhelmed frustrated feeling when the house has been "let go" for too long, taking care of your children, feeling like you are drowing in mess, and unable to get free of it. What I can't imagine is having greif laid so heavily on top of those feelings.

    I'll also continue to pray that this little one is healthy. Try not to worry too much about feeling so detached. I think it is very natural to try and guard your heart after what you have been through with Rachel. And yet I have no doubt that God will open that special place in your heart for this little one, when it is time. You are an amazing Mommy, and you will learn to love this child along side your grief. Always in my thoughts.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes