Sunday, May 15, 2011

What Family and Friends Can Do

Guess what?  I got another email from the same person!  Apparently she doesn't get that right now isn't the best time to be doing this to me.  This email made me even more sad though cause she brought up a few times that other people feel the same as she does, which indicates to me that people have been talking about me behind my back and apparently don't like how I'm handling the loss of my daughter - as if it's up for discussion...  Funny that it's not acceptable to talk on a blog with no names but it is okay if you do it whispering with names. hmmm... maybe I'll just start gossiping quietly??  would that be more acceptable?? I know what my "counselor" did when a name was mentioned!
*deep sigh*  bottom line is that I really can't deal with this crap right now.  I shouldn't have to. And just so you can't say I didn't say so....  IF you are reading my blog in order to judge me or so you can get together with "others" and pretend to be helpless and just concerned about me, please don't.  If you don't like how I write, what I write, or how I'm dealing with my grief, please keep it to yourself and don't email me.  If you want to start your own blog and write about me, go ahead.  But pretty soon, I'm gonna start naming names cause I don't need the turmoil in my life... I have enough to deal with. And have you noticed that my daughter is DEAD??  give me a break and try putting your pride aside for a minute and thinking about how that might feel and whether or not YOU would want to be getting these types of emails at this time.  If you're doing this to me, whether I know about it or not, and are claiming that you just want to be there for me and I'm too hard to do that for then STOP TRYING cause some people, believe it or not, don't find me that hard to love.  And I really don't need friends like that any more than I want them.  I hope that takes some pressure off of you.  You can actually just leave me alone and all will be fine.  My guess is I won't even notice you're doing it cause you haven't been here for me anyway.  And at least that way you won't be able to justify talking crap about me to others. If you're reading this and you are offended, you might want to talk to God about why that is instead of sending me a mean email about it.  The people that aren't doing this to me are not going to feel the need to defend themselves.

I might again refer you to the "what family and friends can do" link on the left side of my blog.  Ironically, it happens to mention the same things that I keep trying to help people to understand - like:

-Don’t try to find something positive about their child’s death.
-Avoid giving advice unless you are asked.
-Check up on the parents. Their grief doesn't stop at the death of their baby, and they need to know that others are thinking of them.
-Listen to the parents when they want to talk about their baby and accept if they don’t.
-Don’t impose time limits on the parents’ grief. Grief cannot be governed by any clock or calendar. And be aware that they will always miss their child. 
-Being bereaved is not contagious; don’t shy away from the parents. They need you more than ever.
-Don’t tell them they will have other children. Children are not interchangeable. No other child will ever replace this baby.

Here is the link to the rest - there is even a specific section for "after time passes" check it out:
What Family and Friends Can Do

So, if you've been staying away from me and justifying it by blaming me for how I'm dealing with my grief or my criticism of your "naivety" - here you go - the rest of the world feels the same way about these topics.  It would hurt anybody.  I might be crazy enough to say it, but everyone would feel the same way.  It is called meeting someone where they are at.  Try it some time.  And just for the record, once someone tells you what they need (which I have done completely, honestly and openly since DAY 1) you cannot call it "naivety".  It's one thing to accidentally say something or do something that hurts and not mean it and when it's brought to your attention say you're sorry - but when you know it hurt someone and you make excuses and turn the blame on me and my blogging style... well, that is bull and THAT is what is devisive in the body of Christ.  I'm not sure why anyone would prefer that people keep quiet about what hurts them... that sounds pretty selfish to me.  We're supposed to care about how we affect others and not just because they will say something about it.

And I AM NOT PERFECT EITHER and WILL NOT do everything right!  If that excuse is good enough for you it's good enough for me.  I need grace too.

Now that I got that out, I am assuring you that this will be my LAST response to this ridiculous and hurtful behavior.  If I have to, I will block more email addresses like I had to do with an in-law. (which by the way, has made my life a lot better)  I cannot subject myself to this and actually cannot afford to with where I'm at emotionally right now.  I cannot allow anyone to get me this off focus and I won't any longer.  It's very obvious that I'm not being heard anyway and so it is a waste of my energy. 

Now I'll post what my original thoughts for today (which were much more helpful than this junk) were before I had to make the mistake of opening another email..... and following that up with the mistake of caring about it.... coming soon....


  1. I am so sorry you are having to deal with idiots on top of everything else!

  2. Stacy-
    I have been following your blog for quite some time after reading your story in the newspaper. I truly enjoy your blog and the way you express your emotions. PLEASE know you are an inspiration to moms everywhere. Your love and passion is beautiful and your honesty is hard to come by these days - people prefer to talk to others and sulk then to be honest and upfront.
    Please don't stop blogging because some people are insecure and/or guilty. Please continue to be yourself!!

    Please don't publish this... I am a private person who likes to read the blog... but after hearing how upset you are I wanted to explain how much your words mean!

  3. Stac, I love you. God has spoken to me through you & has touched my heart to want to show empathy, even though I have no idea what you are going through.
    "Because of my blog, I have processed all my emotions in my grief since day 1 and I truly believe it has been a literal life saver for me." --- this is really what it's all about. I can not possibly understand, but I can LISTEN more than I can talk-and you have shown me how to do this. You said "I pray that they don't have to one day be in my shoes"...and you are so right, how can anyone really judge you for doing things in a certain way, if they don't know what it's like? I think that you are doing a great job as a momma, and I don't think that there is anything wrong with how you are going through your grief. I am so sorry that you have received emails from people telling you otherwise :( That makes me so sad! I would probably block them too! I don't know how I could handle that! And you're right, you shouldn't have to! You are Rachel's momma, and the momma to your other beautiful children, and you should be able to think about the things that you want & need to think about! Not people telling you what to do or say or no to say, when no one knows how hard this would be for them! That makes me question other people's motives. I love you for who you are & the woman God has created you to be. I think you're doing a wonderful job in all that you do. You have many people that love you for the special chica you are & we want to know what's in your heart if you want to share it, because we(I) want to be here for you-in the ways that YOU need, not in the ways that other people might think are "convenient" or comfortable for them. xoxo love you girl!

  4. I don't know you but I read your blog, and you are such a beautiful person and especially a beautiful mother. I love you, even though we don't know each other. Some people have their hearts hardened and you may never be able to get your point across to them because of this. You keep doing exactly what you are doing, grieving as YOU see fit or however it comes out, seeking the Lord especially, and loving your beautiful Rachel. You make me smile, and Rachel's story is one that has changed my life! I can't wait to see her in Heaven as well.

  5. Stacey~
    Praying for you as you deal with insensitive people. Keep being a light for all those reading and remember that the Holy Spirit will shed truth where it is needed. Love and prayers,

  6. You write: "...and apparently don't like how I'm handling the loss of my daughter - as if it's up for discussion...".
    Yeah, right!!! As if other people would have the right to discuss, how you handle this. This is crazy stuff. I think you are admirably honest with everything. And very courageous to blog all of this. I wish you a lot of strength.

    Take care!
    M. (a normally silent reader of your blog, but this time, I just couldn't click me away without saying something)

  7. Stacy, No one has the right to tell you what is right or wrong. The only person who has the right to judge you is God. Keep doing what you are doing because it is helping to heal in the best way YOU know how. If they dont like it they don't have to read it. I love reading your blog and so do a lot of others. ~Bridget~


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes