These were words in a song we sang at church this morning and as I worshipped, God reminded me that He has a purpose in everything... even in the heartache of relationships gone bad. I can see this in hind sight in almost every situation in my life, yet have a hard time recognizing it when the trouble is right in front of me.
I said to someone this morning that I think maybe the reason my grief seems to be harder these days is because it gets to be old after a while. It starts to feel like a never ending road...and it is. All I can think to compare it to is someone who has a chronic pain or a disease that will not ever go away. You learn how to deal with it, but there isn't an area of your life that it doesn't touch, it's nothing anyone can help you with... and there is no end in sight. That's how I feel... discouraged about the long term journey. (As if the 'short term' journey hasn't been hard enough!)
Lately I have been dealing with some pretty big disappointments from people and I am forgetting that God will use EVERYTHING for my good. I can already see in some instances how He has removed friendships that I used to cherish, and although extremely painful at that time, I can see how it changed the course of some major decisions I made that now I am so thankful for. And so I sit here after this week where I just had three friendships forever changed and I'm tempted to be sad and angry about it. And to a certain extent, I am, it feels like a huge loss. But today, when I sang the words "like a fragrance after the rain" I was reminded about this truth...
If after the rain all I have left is the fragrance of Jesus... That's all I need.
It's raining like crazy today and all the kids were upset that it meant they couldn't play on Rachel's Playground. As the kids were coming in for 2nd service children's church, one of the moms said to me "the playground is BEAUTIFUL... and it smells SO good!"
Random right? :o) I just smiled knowing what God has spoken to my heart about His fragrance just a little while before. It was as if He was saying to me..."My daughter, I am still here. I haven't gone anywhere... take a whiff"
I took a deep breath in through my nose.... a long exhale out my mouth... and I knew that I need to get back to basics. He is with me. He won't leave me. He loves me. When I feel alone, when everyone else abandons me, when others don't love me for who I am. He never fails me. Has never, will never. And if I don't allow myself to get caught up in satan's advances, distracted by hurtful people and useless debates with people who aren't capable of loving me, I will be able to accomplish what He called me to in my journey through anencephaly with my precious daughter Rachel.
Honestly, she is too special to share with anyone who doesn't want to listen anyway. If they don't want to hear about her and my heart for her, they don't deserve to know. If they don't want to support Rachel's Mama as I grieve the loss of her, then they don't really love either of us.
It's easy to forget that I am not fighting this battle. The battle is HIS. I feel like I need to almost daily, but I don't. (I think most moms can relate to that feeling when it comes to your kids) But nobody can deny that Jesus is woven through her story and His sweet aroma is everywhere. Some day it will stop raining...and I am confident that the fragrance of Jesus will be there still, filling my soul with joy...even if my heart's still broken.