All it took was one person saying "at least you have some happy news now" after I gave my real answer the "how are you?" question... remember, we've talked about this... people ask, but don't *really* want to know... well , she asked and I told her "I'm ok, but still sad." And she said "at least you have some happy news now"
huh? Yeah, at least.
So, I went on a tangent that sounded something like this: (yes, I know this sounds crazy don't worry, I'm not delusional) I can write this cause she obviously isn't reading my blog or she would have known how I feel about statements like that.
"Actually, that doesn't make a difference...I can't even say I'm excited about it...and I'm not excited about this playground either (I was standing at the playground table - which by the way, we got a bunch more sign ups today!!) I just can't handle constantly listening to how excited everyone is about it when my daughter is still DEAD. Everyone thinks cause I'm building a playground and I'm pregnant that it somehow makes me less sad or makes it hurt less that Rachel is gone and it doesn't work that way."She said she 'didn't think that at all' and immediately shut me down and said she had to leave cause someone was waiting in the car for her. So, this proves my theory that when people ask "how are you" they don't really want to know and if you try to tell them, make sure it doesn't last more than, say around 45 secs... cause there just isn't time for that. And try not to say anything that isn't positive cause they don't like that either. (Just nod and smile at the crazy girl and maybe she'll go away.) Everyone wanted to talk when I was pregnant with Rachel and would rather not... and now that I want to talk, they don't want to hear it?? It's interesting...
But, not as interesting as the email I got today telling me I needed counseling and sounded suicidal based on last night's post. (huh?) Which by the way, I am not in need of counseling and if I was suicidal, I'd be gone already trust me. Apparently because I 'long for heaven' worries some people. I would rather long for heaven then not believe there is a requirement to get there and spend eternity in a lake of FIRE. But hey, everyone has a free will. And everyone will know the Truth someday.
And on the subject of counselors... do you know why so many people need to go to one to begin with? Because people don't have time for other people. You have to PAY someone to listen to you?? That's crazy. Actually the counselor I just had that whole fun breech happen with said she would see me for free if I kept going to her. So apparently if you get an untrustworthy one, it's free, but if you want it kept secret it's gonna cost ya. What ever happened to FRIENDS who care about each other? Not just when it's easy, and not just when there is a big trial that everyone wants to be a part of - but in the daily life stuff?? In the long haul stuff? Why is it that the second you start talking about something hard, people run away or do the whole ummm, hmmm, uhhh blank stare thing? Why do I bother at all? Oh, I guess I better get a counselor cause nobody around me wants to hear it.... I think the problem is bigger than my grief. But I'm hormonal so don't listen to me.
And this would be why I am totally not convinced I want to go to our annual woman's retreat. (I mean, minus the fact that it's where I announced my pregnancy with Rachel last year) I asked for a private room ( might not be possible) because I really am just not in the place to not be able to be alone right now. Especially when, try as they might, people just don't know what to say to me and I am exhausted from the constant awkward conversations and insensitive comments. It's been 10 months of me enduring people's ignorance (not using that as a negative word) and I just can't do it. Maybe I'll go sleep in a cheesy motel for a weekend and stay alone with the only One who I really need to talk to anyway - God. I wonder if they have scholarships for cheesy motels? sigh.
Aside from how frustrated I am with some people today, I had an awesome time with the Lord this morning at church. It involved a lot of tears, but we sang a song that was on the original list for Rachel's funeral that we ended up cutting out cause we had like 12 songs :o) You must know by now how music ministers to my soul... Here are the lyrics:
I have been blessed beyond measure by so many people through these past months. Yes, there are always the few who let me down and I hate that it hurts me so bad. I wonder sometimes why God didn't pick someone with thicker skin cause I'm just not cut out for this. I have struggled to learn how to say what I mean without being mean, but it doesn't come naturally. I am so grateful that no matter how I feel in this life, I have my amazing God Who is with me through it all... my King of Glory Who rescued me from myself and saved me from eternal separation from Him. My beautiful, merciful, glorious Savior, by Whose wounds my soul is healed, by Whose blood I am set free. My Lord Who will not faint and never grows weary. The One Who makes my heart sing as I hide in the shadow of His wings and wait for better days. My Wonderful Counselor and Mighty Healer who is more than capable of healing my broken heart and filling my mind with Truth. My precious Jesus Who is waiting to receive me into His arms in heaven along with Rachel.
And that is what I stand on... My hope in Christ. All other ground is sinking sand.