All it took was one person saying "at least you have some happy news now" after I gave my real answer the "how are you?" question... remember, we've talked about this... people ask, but don't *really* want to know... well , she asked and I told her "I'm ok, but still sad." And she said "at least you have some happy news now"
huh? Yeah, at least.
So, I went on a tangent that sounded something like this: (yes, I know this sounds crazy don't worry, I'm not delusional) I can write this cause she obviously isn't reading my blog or she would have known how I feel about statements like that.
"Actually, that doesn't make a difference...I can't even say I'm excited about it...and I'm not excited about this playground either (I was standing at the playground table - which by the way, we got a bunch more sign ups today!!) I just can't handle constantly listening to how excited everyone is about it when my daughter is still DEAD. Everyone thinks cause I'm building a playground and I'm pregnant that it somehow makes me less sad or makes it hurt less that Rachel is gone and it doesn't work that way."She said she 'didn't think that at all' and immediately shut me down and said she had to leave cause someone was waiting in the car for her. So, this proves my theory that when people ask "how are you" they don't really want to know and if you try to tell them, make sure it doesn't last more than, say around 45 secs... cause there just isn't time for that. And try not to say anything that isn't positive cause they don't like that either. (Just nod and smile at the crazy girl and maybe she'll go away.) Everyone wanted to talk when I was pregnant with Rachel and would rather not... and now that I want to talk, they don't want to hear it?? It's interesting...
But, not as interesting as the email I got today telling me I needed counseling and sounded suicidal based on last night's post. (huh?) Which by the way, I am not in need of counseling and if I was suicidal, I'd be gone already trust me. Apparently because I 'long for heaven' worries some people. I would rather long for heaven then not believe there is a requirement to get there and spend eternity in a lake of FIRE. But hey, everyone has a free will. And everyone will know the Truth someday.
And on the subject of counselors... do you know why so many people need to go to one to begin with? Because people don't have time for other people. You have to PAY someone to listen to you?? That's crazy. Actually the counselor I just had that whole fun breech happen with said she would see me for free if I kept going to her. So apparently if you get an untrustworthy one, it's free, but if you want it kept secret it's gonna cost ya. What ever happened to FRIENDS who care about each other? Not just when it's easy, and not just when there is a big trial that everyone wants to be a part of - but in the daily life stuff?? In the long haul stuff? Why is it that the second you start talking about something hard, people run away or do the whole ummm, hmmm, uhhh blank stare thing? Why do I bother at all? Oh, I guess I better get a counselor cause nobody around me wants to hear it.... I think the problem is bigger than my grief. But I'm hormonal so don't listen to me.
And this would be why I am totally not convinced I want to go to our annual woman's retreat. (I mean, minus the fact that it's where I announced my pregnancy with Rachel last year) I asked for a private room ( might not be possible) because I really am just not in the place to not be able to be alone right now. Especially when, try as they might, people just don't know what to say to me and I am exhausted from the constant awkward conversations and insensitive comments. It's been 10 months of me enduring people's ignorance (not using that as a negative word) and I just can't do it. Maybe I'll go sleep in a cheesy motel for a weekend and stay alone with the only One who I really need to talk to anyway - God. I wonder if they have scholarships for cheesy motels? sigh.
Aside from how frustrated I am with some people today, I had an awesome time with the Lord this morning at church. It involved a lot of tears, but we sang a song that was on the original list for Rachel's funeral that we ended up cutting out cause we had like 12 songs :o) You must know by now how music ministers to my soul... Here are the lyrics:
Beautiful the blood
I never knew death could be so sweet
I never knew surrender could feel so free
I never seen such meekness in majesty
That the blood of Jesus was bled for me
And now I sing freedom for all my days
It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised
The King of Glory rescued me
How beautiful the blood flow
How merciful the love show
The King of glory poured out
Victorious are we now
Never knew through these nails would love unfold
And never knew these wounds would heal my soul
I've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus was bled for me
And now I sing freedom for all my days
It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised
The King of Glory rescued me
Now I'll sing freedom for all my days
It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised
The King of Glory rescued me
How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior
I have been blessed beyond measure by so many people through these past months. Yes, there are always the few who let me down and I hate that it hurts me so bad. I wonder sometimes why God didn't pick someone with thicker skin cause I'm just not cut out for this. I have struggled to learn how to say what I mean without being mean, but it doesn't come naturally. I am so grateful that no matter how I feel in this life, I have my amazing God Who is with me through it all... my King of Glory Who rescued me from myself and saved me from eternal separation from Him. My beautiful, merciful, glorious Savior, by Whose wounds my soul is healed, by Whose blood I am set free. My Lord Who will not faint and never grows weary. The One Who makes my heart sing as I hide in the shadow of His wings and wait for better days. My Wonderful Counselor and Mighty Healer who is more than capable of healing my broken heart and filling my mind with Truth. My precious Jesus Who is waiting to receive me into His arms in heaven along with Rachel.
And that is what I stand on... My hope in Christ. All other ground is sinking sand.
Psalm 73:21-28
When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
Stacey, I love the worship song you put on there tonight! What beautiful words. Again, I don't think the people who are saying these things to you have a clue what it is like to lose your precious baby whom you longed for, hoped for, had dreams for, and then had to let go of all of that. A new baby won't replace that. I think it will bring some type of healing to your broken heart, but never will the hurt and pain be gone fully this side of heaven. I also don't think you need counseling...you have blogging and you don't sound depressed or suicidal to me. You sound like a hormonal, grieving momma who has faced more than most in one short year! I have been there and it isn't an easy road and I think you are doing amazing! Keep on following your heart in all of this and mostly hold tight to the one who can lift you up through these dark, frustrating, grief-filled days!
ReplyDeletePraying for you tonight!!
Carrie
I Peter 5:7~"Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you."
Psalm 23:1a~"The Lord is my Shepherd."(what a beautiful thought)
Stacey,
ReplyDeleteI believe that it is awful presumptuous of another to determine how you are feeling or what you need. It also speaks very loudly of ignorance.
An educated person would know that the norm for depression is withdrawal and secrecy... It is most certainly not blogging your feelings openly and honestly.
When you announced your newest, expected Aube, I assumed that we would be seeing blogs like these. I thought, "Wow! This has got to be a tumultuous journey that is coming." I thought, if it were me, I would feel as though I was taking away from Baby Aube by grieving for Rachel, and taking away from Rachel if I took joy in Baby Aube. It seemed to me that this would be a great internal struggle.
I think that it's amazing that you can share these feelings with us. I think it's important for us to know the struggle. It shows just how great of a mamma you are. I can only aspire to be the kind of mother you are.
You keep doing what you're doing. You get by and through each day the best way you know how.
You and Rachel Alice are truly inspirations. Truly. Thank you for allowing myself and others to take this journey with you.
VaNessa
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteI wish I lived closer cause you could come talk to me anytime :-) You still can now, but it would be nicer if it were in person. I have realized after 15 months that the only people who I can talk to are my Moms that have also lost a baby and understand the depth of our pain. I have been hurt so badly by things people have said. I am sorry you are going through this and people don't think before they speak. I have had many awkward moments with people and friends too when I bring up how I am really feeling or even bringing cayden up at all. I never once thought you were suicidal after reading your post last night. You are a grieving Mama! I long for Heaven as well...you are not alone in any of this!! Sending big hugs your way and praying for you!! I love you <3
You are you. To stuff and hide and paste a smile would be what is worrisome. Being open and honest and grieving like a loving Mama does is a sign of health.
ReplyDeleteKeep being Rachel's Mama. Keep being Stacey. Don't be anyone else. You're on the right path, with your eyes on Jesus.
:hug:
Stacy ~
ReplyDeleteThis may sound strange, but this post was really uplifting for me! :o
I wish you didn't have to go through what you're experiencing ... but the verses & song that you shared spoke to me where I'm at today! So, for that, thank you! =)
For what you're going through - I can only say that you are always in my prayers - I think of you often. I won't pretend to even remotely grasp what you're going through ... but HE can & you know HE does. I'll be praying for your heart to be encouraged & for strength & endurance for you!
With love ~
Lelia
Oh dear, people just don't get it. This is one of the many reasons I am so glad to have this amazing sisterhood of women that (sadly) DO get it.
ReplyDeleteLove Ya!
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your hard truths and the raw emotion you put into your blogs. I can't say that I completely understand because I have never had to endure the pain of losing a child, but I can say that as a mom, you have truly inspired me and I strive to be as strong of a woman to my children as you are to each of yours. Thank you for being you, and only you. God bless.