To Blog or Not to Blog, That is the Question

I've been thinking about this a lot lately....

There have been a number of times in the last couple of months that I have debated this, but more so lately.  Just in the last week or so, I've had a few things happen.   I got a poop cake email (read old post HERE if you don't know what I'm talking about) from someone telling me she was sorry that she hurt me, BUT that I needed to be mindful of her & others as I blog.  She wasn't happy with something I blogged that she had said to me (even though I didn't mention names) and when I wrote back to explain myself and told her I was feeling abandoned by the "friends" I had before Rachel, she wrote back and said that she was just going to pray for me from now on cause it was the best way to avoid further offense.  Totally missed my point.... I NEED my friends.  Although saying we'll pray is a good thing to do (and I need that too!), I feel it's often used as a cop-out to not have to subject themselves to my uncomfortable circumstance.  sigh.  (should I expect another email?)

Then I had someone in the middle of a disagreement say to me "just don't put this on your blog" and that was followed up by another email from someone else reiterating that they didn't want me to put it on my blog....I'm not quite sure why anyone thinks they can tell me what I can write, but they do it.

I've had lots of people tell me they aren't even reading it anymore, and some of our family and friends have never bothered to begin with.

I feel totally negative and am stuck in a really bad place as far as my grief goes and am not convinced I'm really benefiting anyone anyway...  My main purpose for starting this blog was so that when another mother who got the diagnosis of anencephaly went on line to google it, that she would find Rachel and the hope of Jesus.  And not only does my blog still not come up on a google search, but I don't feel like I can even portray "hope" right now cause I am just so heavy hearted. 

I never imagined I would have  220 followers (from over 90 countries!) and over 300 people a day reading this long after Rachel was born.  And I've argued points to myself like...  the followers keep going up, good emails are still come in, people tell me all the time that they find my writing helpful... I have been able to help some women carrying babies with anencephaly and they did find my blog on the internet "randomly" - maybe God does want me to continue....

But I'll be honest... I feel like throwing in the towel.  I just don't have the energy to try to please everyone and maybe I could if it was easier to do.  But I am so weary that the word doesn't begin to describe how drained I really am.  I am not the kind of person who can pretend I am something I'm not... or feel a way that I don't.  And I can't start faking it either.  I am me.  Some people appreciate that and some don't.  Some like me and some don't.

And so it brings me to my question... do I keep blogging? 

Well, Sunday after church, I told someone as I was walking outside that I was thinking I just wouldn't blog anymore and that I would just use that time to work on my book.  Sounded like a good idea to me and I was feeling almost relieved to just not have to worry about other people's judgement anymore.  Then I got out to Rachel's Playground and a girl I barely know came up to me holding her baby in his carrier.  She said she wanted to congratulate me on the new baby and gave me a hug.  Then she told me how often she thinks of me and how she has a friend who has lost a couple of babies and that she reads my blog too.  I asked her how old her baby was and found out that he was born just one week after Rachel.  Do you remember the post a long time ago when I told you that the first time I was saddened by a baby at church it was a boy and that really surprised me?  Well, it was him.  I had no idea that him & Rachel were so close in age, but apparently my Mama's heart knew.  She was due the day after me and we both had them 3 weeks early.  She cried as she told me that she felt so bad that I didn't have my baby and she did - and I cried as I told her that I'm happy that she has her baby and rubbed his toes through his socks :o)

So, this is a girl that I wouldn't have been having that conversation with if it wasn't for my blog.  There are MANY people I would not be blessed to know if I never started my blog.  Some of my best friends, I have received from God through my blog.  If not for my blog, I'd be left with all the people who I thought were friends before who disappeared on me.  Almost none of the people who I'm close with now that have helped me these past few months were people I even knew before my blog.  Because of my blog, I have processed all my emotions in my grief since day 1 and I truly believe it has been a literal life saver for me.  Because I was blogging my journey, we had people we had never met show up at Rachel's service and had almost 150 people there, which was something I really needed.  So, I know it's been helpful for me.

On Easter, I got to meet a woman who came to know the Lord through my journey with Rachel.  I have been blessed to be able to answer hundreds of emails with questions about my faith and Who Jesus is to me.  I have been able to encourage women younger and older than me in all different areas because they follow my blog.  I have helped people to know that you don't have to have it all together for Jesus to love you and that even when life is hard, He is worthy of our praise... So, I know it's building God's kingdom and that He is using me through it.

And if it wasn't for my blog, people would not know Rachel like they do.  I could have never shared her like I have without good old Blogger.  If I didn't put my heart on the line and risk people not liking me, there would not be people around the world saying Rachel Alice Aube (that's pronounced O-Bee :o) ) today.  She would have soon been forgotten and honestly, her playground wouldn't have been possible without the financial and emotional support that you all gave me.  So, I know my blog has accomplished what I had hoped for my little girl.

And when I look at all that, I ask myself  "how could I NOT blog?"  So, a few people might decide they don't like me.  That would happen anyway.  So, some people don't like how I'm grieving... oh well.  I pray they never have to be put in my shoes.  I'm never going to be able to make everybody happy.  I knew I was taking a huge risk letting my REAL self - all my joy, struggles, pain, fear, and even anger - be an open book for the world to read.  I never imagined it would bring me more pain, but I will say that the blessing has still far exceeded that.  And I guess it's a small price to pay for what I have received in return.  I have to remember who I'm doing this for.... and it's not the ones who like to sit back and criticize and have no empathy.  I'm doing this for the other Mamas who have lost or will lose their precious babies, for Rachel and for my God.  And as a result, God has blessed me as well.

Thank you to all of you who have been such great support and love for me.  I feel bad that I have not been very encouraging lately for you :o(  Please rest assured that even when I am sounding like I'm hanging by a thread, I am still completely confident in the strength of my God and know He is enough.  I think I'm officially dealing with the "anger stage" of grief.  I've struggled with how to handle my anger my entire life.  I guess I should just be thankful I'm not hitting anyone...There was a day not too long ago, I would be.  Thank you for your encouragement and your empathy as I make my way down this long, painful road.

More blogs to come!