A day in the life of Rachel's Mama

I woke up this morning thinking maybe I would stop blogging... and by noon, I had already received a couple of emails that reminded me why I do this.  I must admit that so many days I wonder why any of you want to read any of this stuff.  Considering most of both of our families don't bother (never have) and many of you don't know us, it leaves me puzzled.  So here I go again with another day in the life of Rachel's Mama...

Thank you for caring.

First of all, we enjoyed a yummy (much needed) dinner and big plate of amazing cookies from a friend today - Thanks Ellen!  And you can tell she has a big family cause we had plenty left over! :o)

When we found out on Monday that Baby #6 is a boy, I was surprised by my excitement.  I thought that I would find myself sad at another lost hope... the hope of a sister for Desirae that we can keep.  But before I had even left the parking lot, I had thought up a bunch of reasons why it was a good thing... #1 being I wouldn't have to hear anyone say "at least you got another girl" (and you know it was bound to happen!)  or "oh, how perfect, 2 boys and 2 girls"  (knowing that I had 3 girls, not 2)  I also really love my boys... although today alone, Isaiah cut up our hose with scissors and poured a left over mop bucket down his heater!...  which opened the door for Des to tell us that Isaiah puts Sam's stuff down there all the time, like blocks and stuffed animals! (fire anyone?) His name means "the Lord is my salvation" and it is true for him and for me!!  I don't get him sometimes.  OK, so anyway, even though they are tough, I was excited about another Aube boy in our family.  How could I not be, I get to keep him...  I hope.

Today the next door neighbors had a yard sale.  I looked out and they had boxes and tables FULL of baby girl clothes - some with tags still on them.  Dresses, bathing suits, cute sweaters... I started to feel my disappointment.  We went out to look around and I tortured myself a little looking at the little shoes they had.  "these would fit her now" I said as I debated buying them just in case I ever have another girl.  And as I was looking at them, I overheard Matt say in another conversation "It's a boy... but that's not a surprise, out of all the Aubes, the only girls are my sister and Desirae."  He didn't even consider Rachel.

This happens often and I usually am good about just reminding him afterwards. My heart was already feeling it from my surroundings and I was so hurt I said "Did you forget Rachel in that count?"  And then I felt really bad as he tried to back track and explain that we have a dead daughter, too... 

And this leads me to the struggle that I know none of us ever talk about cause it's a fine line to walk, but losing a baby is hard on a marriage.  Usually I feel like our journey with Rachel has brought us closer and made us stronger - and it truly has.  But sometimes, our differences (albeit God-given) are hard to balance when emotions are raw.  The pain is so different for me and try as he might, he will never understand it. I'm grateful that he knows that.  I don't ever have a conversation with ANYONE about my kids and not count, or even think about, Rachel.... so to hear that happen for him again and again is hard for me.  I know it's not his intention to forget her, but it does show how different this is for me and him.  I had much more time to bond with her.  It's the blessing of being a mother... and in this case, it's a blessing that hurts.  I'm okay with that - I wouldn't trade places. *sigh*  But I think every grieving mother's biggest fear is that their child will be forgotten.  At least it's mine.  I just can't let it happen.

Another neighbor came over and wanted to show me her 3 week old grandson.  I held him and he was super cute and cuddly.  I did what I always do... put my finger in his hand and played with his toes.  Everyone's always saying how tiny Rachel was... and I know pictures can be hard to tell, but this baby's hands were the same size (at 3 weeks old) as hers... how do I know?  Cause I measured them on my tattoo :o)  She helped me press out his hand on Rachel's print :o)

There were a few pregnant women who came to shop... buying up all the cute pink stuff.  And I couldn't help but look at them and wonder if they have any worries.  I have had 3 other healthy children and yet the impact that my miscarriage and my pregnancy with Rachel had on me has overtaken my memory.  I don't remember what it was like to be pregnant and only excited.  I don't remember what it was like to be pregnant and feel like buying stuff and decorating was a wise move.  I don't remember what it was like to be planning on bringing home the baby I was carrying.  It all seems so far away and as I watched these girls, I wondered "what's a day like in their lives?"   I overheard one of them talking about their kids... "we have a girl and this one's a boy" as she touched her belly - and it didn't seem as though it was a hard question to answer or like she was leaving anyone out... or like either of them was going to be in the grave any time soon...  what's that like?  I wonder if I'll feel it at all with this little guy. 

I started looking at my 'pregnancy week by week' book to try to focus on him a little... everything I read sounds different now.  This week (go figure!) is the week they talk about all the defects you can pick up on a AFP test (which I have always declined) "like Anencephaly" it says.  Something I had thought I never heard of, but probably read it during the last two pregnancies and didn't think twice about. (you know, cause that would never happen to ME)  And when it says "your baby's eye lashes and eye brows have grown" I wonder how do they know?  I mean, at this point with Rachel, I was reading all these things about her that weren't true... like that she had the top of her head. 

I started reading to the kids about how big the baby was now and what's going on with him.  Isaiah looked at the picture they had of a baby at 15 weeks and said "the baby is dead and will be forever".  My heart broke again as I tried to explain something to him that I can hardly grasp myself...  "not all babies die". 

And so we keep putting one foot in front of the other as I try to navigate my way through my grief, my children's grief, my husband's grief,  babies, pregnancy (mine and others'), hormones and baby clothes. - There is nothing easy about it.  But it is what it is.... it's just another day in the life of Rachel's Mama.  A title I wear proudly and thank God for every day.