On the way I heard the song "live like you were dying". As I listened I thought of how at the moment we got the news about Rachel I had two choices... I could go home and cry for the next 5 months, or I could do all the things I wouldn't want to miss with her and for her. I'm happy with my choice. As I drove I thought about how I would respond if this ultrasound brought sad news....would I be able to handle it again? Would I have the strength to love this baby to that measure...it took everything I had to do it for Rachel, could I muster it up again so soon? The words sank into my heart:
I thought about how I don't have any regrets with Rachel... at least none that were in my control... and I determined in heart that no matter what happened at this ultrasound, I was going to stay close to God and I would do the same thing I did for Rachel, if needed.
Matt was able to meet me there. They called me in and I could feel my mind starting to wander as I followed her back to the room. As I got on the table, she looked at me and said "breathe... I know you're nervous". I took a deep breath and laid back. Within a minute of her putting the wand on my belly, I could see our baby's head. Thank You Jesus.
I sit here today, a mother who until August 4, 2010 never understood the blessing of a baby's head....A mother who never fully thanked God for knitting my babies together so perfectly and intricately....A mother who took it all for granted all while convincing myself that wasn't the case... And today I know I have been completely changed forever. I cried at the sight of a round scull. Who would have ever thought it could hold such meaning? Only the ones who have laid on the table and not seen one there. I came home and showed Dorie and when she saw the round head, she cried too. Then she looked at me and said "now you can breathe".
I didn't realize I was holding my breath all this time, but I was. Today felt more like the way I usually feel when I see the two pink lines... less like I'm "just pregnant" and more like I'm going to actually have a baby... more like it makes sense to get his room ready... And yes, I said HIS. It's a boy!! I wanted a girl so bad before Rachel and since I didn't get to keep her was wanting one now too, but I didn't feel any disappointment at the sight of his boy parts on the monitor... I was still too thankful for his round head! I did say something along the lines of "I better get some more caffeine in my house or something!" 3 boys?! The thought makes me want a nap! But I am SO anxious to hold this sweet baby in my arms, here him cry, listen to his voice, feel his breath on my cheek, cuddle with his warm (another detail I will never take for granted again) body, nurse him and take him home at the end of my hospital stay. These are all things I missed with Rachel (except for holding her in my arms). I pray that these gifts are in my future with this little one.
We left and as I drove away, I had the biggest smile on my face.... my boy has his whole head... something a mother should never have to wonder - yet something that when a mother who is wondering hears, it somehow helps her to breathe again.
|His little fist is near his chest... so cute.|
|He already knows how to wave :o)|
|Beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news - Romans 10:14-15|
This verse is talking about our new son, our precious Rachel, me... and you. He cares this deeply for all of us and has each of our lives already mapped out. The one thing I do not want to lose sight of when rejoicing over this baby is that Rachel was just as perfect in God's eyes (no matter how imperfect in the worlds eyes) and He had an amazing plan for her just the way she was. I do not want to think of this new healthy baby as a way that God has moved us past the sad reality of Rachel's condition and given us a baby the "way they should come", when in fact I love Rachel just the way she is for exactly who she is. This baby will never replace her or remove the pain of losing her, but I am so thankful for who he is, exactly how he is. And the truth is that we all take the way babies "come" for granted. It's much more complicated and nothing short of a miracle to give birth to a live baby. I pray we all remember that as we hold our sweet children close.