Monday, May 23, 2011

Breathe Again

This morning I was blessed to have one of my "blog given" friends come over to help me clean. Dorie lost her daughter Ella to anencepahly over 7 years ago and found my blog on Ella's 7 year birthday. So, we did a lot of gabbing and some cleaning and my mudroom is SPOTLESS, including the closet! Thank you Dorie! She also has 2 other daughters and homeschools so our kids have as much in common as we do. She sat with the kids while I went to my appt...

On the way I heard the song "live like you were dying". As I listened I thought of how at the moment we got the news about Rachel I had two choices... I could go home and cry for the next 5 months, or I could do all the things I wouldn't want to miss with her and for her. I'm happy with my choice. As I drove I thought about how I would respond if this ultrasound brought sad news....would I be able to handle it again? Would I have the strength to love this baby to that took everything I had to do it for Rachel, could I muster it up again so soon? The words sank into my heart:

"Live Like You Were Dyin'"

He said I was in my early 40's,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,

I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fumanchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.

I thought about how I don't have any regrets with Rachel... at least none that were in my control... and I determined in heart that no matter what happened at this ultrasound, I was going to stay close to God and I would do the same thing I did for Rachel, if needed.

Matt was able to meet me there. They called me in and I could feel my mind starting to wander as I followed her back to the room. As I got on the table, she looked at me and said "breathe... I know you're nervous". I took a deep breath and laid back. Within a minute of her putting the wand on my belly, I could see our baby's head. Thank You Jesus.

I sit here today, a mother who until August 4, 2010 never understood the blessing of a baby's head....A mother who never fully thanked God for knitting my babies together so perfectly and intricately....A mother who took it all for granted all while convincing myself that wasn't the case... And today I know I have been completely changed forever. I cried at the sight of a round scull. Who would have ever thought it could hold such meaning? Only the ones who have laid on the table and not seen one there. I came home and showed Dorie and when she saw the round head, she cried too. Then she looked at me and said "now you can breathe".

I didn't realize I was holding my breath all this time, but I was. Today felt more like the way I usually feel when I see the two pink lines... less like I'm "just pregnant" and more like I'm going to actually have a baby... more like it makes sense to get his room ready... And yes, I said HIS. It's a boy!!  I wanted a girl so bad before Rachel and since I didn't get to keep her was wanting one now too, but I didn't feel any disappointment at the sight of his boy parts on the monitor... I was still too thankful for his round head! I did say something along the lines of "I better get some more caffeine in my house or something!" 3 boys?! The thought makes me want a nap! But I am SO anxious to hold this sweet baby in my arms, here him cry, listen to his voice, feel his breath on my cheek, cuddle with his warm (another detail I will never take for granted again) body, nurse him and take him home at the end of my hospital stay.  These are all things I missed with Rachel (except for holding her in my arms).  I pray that these gifts are in my future with this little one. 

We left and as I drove away, I had the biggest smile on my face.... my boy has his whole head... something a mother should never have to wonder - yet something that when a mother who is wondering hears, it somehow helps her to breathe again.

His little fist is near his chest... so cute.

He already knows how to wave :o)

Beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news - Romans 10:14-15

Psalm 139:13-16

For You formed my inward parts;You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.

This verse is talking about our new son, our precious Rachel, me... and you. He cares this deeply for all of us and has each of our lives already mapped out. The one thing I do not want to lose sight of when rejoicing over this baby is that Rachel was just as perfect in God's eyes (no matter how imperfect in the worlds eyes) and He had an amazing plan for her just the way she was. I do not want to think of this new healthy baby as a way that God has moved us past the sad reality of Rachel's condition and given us a baby the "way they should come", when in fact I love Rachel just the way she is for exactly who she is. This baby will never replace her or remove the pain of losing her, but I am so thankful for who he is, exactly how he is. And the truth is that we all take the way babies "come" for granted. It's much more complicated and nothing short of a miracle to give birth to a live baby. I pray we all remember that as we hold our sweet children close.


  1. Oh, Stacy - I'm SO SO HAPPY for you and your family!!! Oh, like you said - now you can BREATHE! What a beautiful boy. And you're so right - we know now as we always should have - not to take anything for granted.

    Praise the Lord!!!

  2. Congratulations hun on a baby boy and that everything is going well. BIG HUGS!! <3

  3. This is beautiful. Congrats to you and your family! You have no idea how much your blog has changed my life. You are truly an angel on earth. You have strenthened my relationship with the Lord and my family. My cousin Vanessa is so blessed to know you and consider you a friend. Thank you Stacy.

  4. Praise the Lord for that beautiful round head! Crying tears of joy here =) Praying for continued comfort for you as you prepare to welcome this new baby boy!


  5. Praise the Lord!!! I am so happy for you!

  6. Praise the lord! How wonderful! I'm happy for you and will keep praying for all of you and especially for your new baby boy :-)
    Much love, anja xxx

  7. YAAAY for a nice, round head!! Such a beautiful sight to see. :) you def do breathe a sigh of relief.

    I know before we knew Lainey was healthy that I had thought a lot about having another child w/ a fatal condition. I knew w/o a doubt I'd walk the same road. Having Carleigh was a blessing and I wouldn't want to miss that w/ another child.

  8. I recently found your blog through another blog I read. I have read your story from the start up until now, and I thought you should know that your words are absolutely encouraging to me. I follow another blog about a little boy named Thomas who recently made his way into this world, and he also had anencephaly. ( I thought it may be encouraging to you.

    Your new baby boy is absolutely precious!!! God doesn't send replacements, but He does send reinforcements. Rachel's legacy will always live<3

  9. Stacy- I am so happy for you and your family! I have been thinking about you alot late, and I am so relieved to hear such good news for you. I am due just days after you!

  10. Sending hugs to you and Rachel's little brother! Blessings to you all!

  11. I am so extremely happy for you, Matt and all this precious baby boy's siblings. I sit crying tears of joy for you. Being a mother of 6 children and a dedicated reader to your blog, I enjoy all your blog postings, but especially when you can feel the joy emanating through the words you write down. Hugs, prayers and lots of smiles :)

  12. Congratulations! Praise the Lord! He is beautiful. 3 boys is an adventure for sure, but one thing for sure is your home will never lack energy and giggles(Ours doesn't).
    I am so glad for the answer God allowed for you to have! Rachel is one lucky big sister! :)
    Have a wonderful day and week!
    Still praying for you dear friend!
    Carrie :)

  13. Yay for a big fat round head!! I am so excited for your baby boy! It looks like we are all having boys this time. Lol! Maybe one day we can get them together to play. He looks absolutely beautiful in his pictures. Congratulations!!

  14. So happy for you! I love the song and others like it :) He looks so cute!


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes