I am still not ready to count by months. Today was one of those hard days. I had a decent morning, but was exhausted by noon cause I cleaned for 4 hours straight. That was when the day starting falling apart on me...
I drove to bring Des to art class to find the school closed. Sam started screaming and didn't stop for what felt like forever (and had multiple blow-outs that required baths because he is still sick). I got to the cemetery and as I got out of the van, my MP3 player fell out on the ground. I couldn't find it so I asked Des to look for it and I went over to Rachel's grave. The foundation for her stone has been set and the hole was gone... the lilac tree behind her is in bloom... this visit was going much better than the last - until I tried to move her bench onto the cement and the leg broke off!
Just as that happened, Des called to me to tell me she could see my MP3 player and it was getting wet. I went and looked and it had somehow managed to slide over to the OTHER side of the van and land right where my AC was dripping..... I got it out, dried it off and went back to Rachel's grave.
I got the bench propped up on the leg (PLEASE don't sit on it if you go visit!!) and went to move her vase of fake flowers and it literally crumbled in my hands, and when it did, there were all these worms and centipede things crawling though it and lots of mold. It was awesome. I got a bag from the car and packed it up. This is about when I started to wonder why life is always so hard.
I got it all set and looking pretty. I was happy to see that the cemetery actually leaves out hoses by the faucets (there's one right near Rachel) and so I was able to water her grass seed. Isaiah helped me...
Then I got to have yet another awkward conversation at the cemetery... one of the guys mowing came over to tell me he was sorry for my loss as he looked down at her tiny grave. He went on to say how he has an 18 month old and his wife is due with their 2nd in 2 months and he can't imagine.... I just nodded and smiled and told him congratulations. He drove away on his mower and I cried.
I got back in the van and Sam started screaming again... I came up with the bright idea that I would make him happy with a lolly pop and when I tried to pull the wrapper off, the stick came off instead. ergh. So I listened to him scream all the way home too. And I won't even get into the many issues with our "new" van.
Everything was going wrong...
Tonight the reality of the fact that so many people end their pregnancies when given a fatal prenatal diagnosis really hit home. My heart aches to know this happens... not just for the babies, more so for the mamas. It can't be an easier road.
But if I am honest, it's also sad to me cause in a way when people make this choice, it feels in my heart like they are saying that a baby like Rachel isn't as good as a healthy baby. I know that is not the truth, but it is an underlying emotion that I think may have brought on many of my tears tonight. I know how awesome she was... but there are many people who don't believe that about babies who have "defects". I remember people asking if Rachel could really be considered a baby if she didn't have a brain. I can't convince anyone how great she was (only the people who met her truly know) or that they won't regret walking this path. But I have never heard one single person say they wish they hadn't. However, I have heard many who didn't carry to term share their regrets. By the grace of God, I don't have any regrets. It could have easily been me. That is why my heart breaks for her. It is such a scary place to be and we tend to rely on the doctor's opinion instead of God's. Unfortunately, they don't know as much and aren't capable of as much as God.
This was weighing on my heart and as I was writing this post, Desirae handed me a package of candy "conversation" hearts. The first one I took out said:
I have NEVER seen a candy heart with these words on it. Of course I immediately thought of Rachel and how thankful I was for her dancing and mine through our time together. But I also thought of the many others who are faced with that life-changing moment where we decide if we will sit it out - or dance.
I'm glad I didn't miss the dance.... even if the ride home is long and painful.