Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Got What I Wanted

There's a little girl at homeschool gym class that makes me smile... she's so cute and seems to be about the same age as Rachel should be... I don't ask her age cause I don't know if I could handle knowing 'for sure' that they are the same age. 

I watch her toddle around and I see her cute little teeth... and today she looked at me and gave me a giggle and a big 'hi'.... I thought to myself how much I'm missing - and then looked at her shirt... it had wings on the back and said "little angel" on the front.

Just today I saw a facebook message from a new blog reader that referred to Rachel as my 'little angel' and then there it was in black and white on a girl just her age.  Why?

I starred into my bowl of salad tonight after work as I thought about my girl... I miss her so much.  Without really thinking I blurted out "Rachel was the only time I got what I wanted"

Matt looked at me confused.  I had never really thought about it much or talked to him about it, although we both already know...  with Desirae, while I was pregnant, I wanted a boy.  Then with Isaiah, since I already had a girl I wanted another one...  With Sam, Isaiah had COMPLETELY scared me into thinking I couldn't handle another boy!! (they are not the same so it's been fine, but I thought I would lose my mind with two of them running around!)  I actually cried when I found out Sam was a boy (shame on me).  With Asa, because I had just lost my girl, I really wanted another one.  All four of my children here are the opposite of what I had asked for while pregnant.  But with Rachel....I wanted a girl, I asked for a girl,  I got a girl... but I didn't get to keep her.  That was the first thing I said after we were given her diagnosis.  The doctor handed me a box of tissues and walked out and as the door shut behind her I screamed "No, it's a girl...Not my girl, Matt!"

I wanted her so bad.  5 minutes was all I had with my girl before I knew she wouldn't stay.

I know nobody ever said life was fair.... but I have to say it... it just doesn't seem fair.

I've thought before how bad I would have felt had she been a boy, knowing how much I didn't want a boy... but I can't help but wonder why God would give me the desire of my heart, only to take her away.  And as much as I try to stay in the moment and love these sweet children with all that I am... I can't help but wonder if He ever will give me another girl. I think of the future (especially with how bad I'm doing physically right now) and I wonder if it will ever be possible... and if I ever am able to have another baby, if I will have another boy - or will he give me a girl I can keep?? Or another girl I have to let go??  And I wish I didn't care so much.  I know the only thing that really matters is that they are alive and with me.  I remember that every single time I'm blessed to hold my sweet baby Asa,  even at 3am right after I have just fallen back to sleep. I literally thank God for every breath he takes.  And I know that nobody will ever replace Rachel - not Asa, and not another girl. 

As I went through the list of our babies, explaining to Matt how I had desired the opposite of what I got each time, my heart wants to be satisfied with the fact that I got what I wanted in Rachel.  For her, I want to say "I got my girl and she is enough" - I don't ever want to say that she doesn't count... or that she isn't good enough.  Because she does count and she is good enough. But I look around at my walls...she's everywhere....except here.

It's hard to consider this 'getting what I wanted' - even though I did and will be forever grateful for the 43 minutes that I had with my warm baby in her pink blanket.  But I'd give anything to hear her babbling from her room tomorrow morning. When I open my eyes to the sound of the kids playing and that one voice is still missing, my heart notices... and aches for her.  Every minute of every day I miss her.  My girl.  My sweet precious girl.

Sweet Rachel, you were exactly what I wanted and more than I hoped for.  You were perfect... the closest to heaven I've ever been.  I love you, my girl.  I wanted you, I got you. I will hold you forever in my heart until I can again hold you in my arms. ♥

1 comment:

  1. Once again I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes and I don't know what to say. So I just send you hugs and love... anja


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