My Appointment

My appointment went well, I like the doctor, he seems to have a clue.  Now I'm waiting on blood work to come back and to have an ultrasound on my knees.  I think this guy will get to the bottom of this. He seems to be leading towards either Celiac Disease or Psoriatic Arthritis (an autoimmune disorder that apparently attacks the joints too - and I have psoriasis, so this makes sense...and these were both things that in my research seemed to be like my symptoms) we'll see.....Sadly, if I get treatment for this, I'll have to stop nursing... and then there is the complication of what would happen if I became pregnant again while on it.  I'm not sure I'm ready for this type of concern.   Pain stinks, but physical pain is a lot easier to bear than emotional pain - and losing another baby is NOT an option for me - especially because of a decision I made.

Since I have been told that I need to 'look at why I keep having kids' (as if I've done something wrong welcoming my children into this world) I will just say this for those of you who think I'm nuts for even considering another baby because you think I have enough - and I'm guessing most of you reading this don't think that, but just in case there is anyone reading who think they get a vote on my baby making... 

I believe wholeheartedly that children are a gift from God.  I believe that when our family is complete, He will let us know.  And I don't believe it is yet.  If that makes me crazy, well then, I guess I'm crazy.  (but please don't insinuate that it's unhealthy, it's biblical) The good news is that the 'crazier' I get, the easier it is to handle all these kids! :o)  So I guess that works out well.  Will I have 20 kids?  Hmmm....  doubt it, but if God wants me to, I will.  And if I do, I can't wait to see what Thanksgivings are like in our house 20 years from now!  What a blessing.  And on the flip side of this, if God chooses to not give us any more children, I trust him on that too.  What I do know is that my husband, who at one time was content with 2 kids, has already told me names he likes for future children.... and the other day at the dinner table, Desirae was telling me we still had a spot for "Hope".  I asked what she meant and she said "You know, our next girl." 

And so I have to just admit it, I'm not ready to make any decisions that make getting pregnant dangerous.  And yet, I don't know how to reconcile my convictions and desires with my pain and health concerns.  I'm going to need a lot of prayer on this one. 

I was talking to my sister on the way home and as we were talking about this,  I got really emotional.  Just as I started crying, this car passed - unfortunately my phone apparently takes really crappy pictures, but if you look, it's a dealer plate (they were on a test drive) and license plate is number "43" - I had to hang up so I could take this picture because I'm telling you, it gets pretty bizarre around here.... 

I have a little girl in my future...  I'm hoping another one on earth and really feel like God has been reassuring me of that, but if not... she's in heaven waiting for me.  I can't wait to hold her - she'll be whole and I'll be pain free.