Need to Cry

I woke up this morning to the sound of my kids playing around me.  I got up and had breakfast and sat to have a cup of coffee.  The song "I can only imagine" came on and before I knew it I was crying.  All I could do was wonder about her....

Surrounded by Your glory, what her heart feel?
Does she dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still?
Does she stand in Your presence or to her knees does she fall?
Does she sing hallelujah, is she able to speak at all?

I can only imagine....

I wondered about how many times my mom cried and us kids were oblivious to it...I always thought she never cried.  But today, my house was full... my kids, my husband...even my sister was here and God was the only one who knew I was in pain in my kitchen, my face soaked with tears.  And that's a regular thing around here.  Not just at night when everyone else is asleep, but during busy times in the day....I feel invisible....  this loss is so lonely some times.

Today we watched a bunch of people get baptized at church.  It's our Palm Sunday tradition to have baptisms.  I usually get really emotional watching people take this step in their faith, but today I felt detached. 

I went to the cemetery on Friday, but got there late and I was alone and I got freaked out in the dark so I just left.  I went back after work yesterday and planned to have a good cry, but I was on the phone with my friend Harlee having a light hearted conversation about our future dreams and so I continued talking and just got out and made sure everything was in order and then left.  Today, I couldn't get there quick enough....I just wanted to sit and cry....

They gave us palm leaves on the way out of church and a friend helped me make it into a cross for my girl.  We went last year and left one too, but we just tied it into a bow and stuck it in the ground - and unfortunately, I'm getting better at grave decorating....

I brought a few new decorations to put up for this special week leading up to Easter when Jesus died and rose again...

And just as I finally had time to cry, Matt started chatting it up with a guy walking by and we had company (yes, at her grave...sigh) until Asa started crying and I ended up in the van nursing him while Matt & the kids kicked a ball around....it's very obvious that we aren't dealing with the same grief....again, so lonely.

My dad & step mom sent me some gift cards to Chili's as a 'congratulations' for my record being annulled (which was so thoughtful) so we used it today and got lunch.  We ordered the same thing we did on Sam's birthday, but without the discount.  It honestly didn't surprise me when it came to this:

Although I wasn't too happy when I got home and looked at it and saw that the over charged us by $6 - but I'm guessing that God was loving me even in that cause I felt like she was there with us....

Later, I went out to Walmart to get a few things and decided I'd get the kids Easter basket stuff.  I planned to get them each a kite and a book.  I knew I wanted to get Rachel a book cause the others can use it, but didn't think it made sense to get a kite for her.  I started looking at the books and within just a couple minutes, I had found the perfect one for all of them, including Rachel...

I didn't even need to read it to know it was 'the one' after my last post about her hands, but each page goes through a place the mama and baby girl will go together - and one of them says 'flying on the tails of rainbows' and it's a rainbow colored kite. ♥  And the last page says they will go everywhere together forever. ♥

Just like me & my girl.

You probably won't be surprised to hear that this shopping trip came to $43 too.  Seriously.

I'm so thankful that God continues to speak to me in these details.  I cannot begin to explain how much I need it, even still.  Cause while the rest of the world is either beyond Rachel's death - or even worse, still making this all about themselves - I'm still a mother with a hole in my heart that aches every minute of every day.  An invisible, brokenhearted, misunderstood, lonely, hurting mama who just wants my baby back....and still needs to cry about it.