Monday, April 9, 2012

My Side of The Dance

If you haven't seen the movie Courageous yet and it matters to you, you may want to watch it first cause I'm about to give away some of it...

Another mom from gym class let me borrow her copy of the movie and warned me ahead of time that a couple in it loses their daughter... so knowing it was coming, I was able to figure out which couple it would be before it happened....

One of the dads was a very detached father and in one of the scenes, the daughter turns up the car radio and begs her Daddy to dance with her in the parking lot.  He looked around and said there were too many people, but that he'd watch her dance... and so she did.  She put her hands up and pretended to be slow dancing with him.

After she died, they show a scene where the mom & dad are in their room one night and he's crying and says "I should have danced with her.  Why didn't I dance with her?"  

I knew that question would be in the movie somewhere after seeing the first scene when he refused to dance - I even said the line in my head right before he said it in the movie, I knew it was coming - but the next scene in relation to this, I wasn't expecting....

He drove back to that parking lot and played that same song.  He got out of the car, and held his hands up and danced as if he was dancing with her.  And then he said the words that made me think of Rachel and be both glad and sad.... he said, "Please God, can you let her know I did my side of the dance?"

I am so thankful that I chose to dance with my girl while she was here.  She certainly had her own rhythm, but I did my best to keep in step... to move to the music of her beautiful twirl her around and show her off.... and just like every other love song ever made, when you're with the one you love it makes you smile and when you lose the one you love, it makes you cry.... but I'm so glad I didn't miss the dance.  I'm so thankful I didn't sit it out.  It's a dance I can't get back.

And so in that way, I heard that line and was grateful.

But then on the flip side, I couldn't help but realize... and I'm not sure I ever thought of this like this before... but just as he stood there dancing alone, desperate for his little girl to know, I wondered if Rachel knew.  I have often wondered what she is aware of since she has been in heaven, but rarely have I questioned what she knew when we were together.  I really believed back then that she felt my love.  She responded to me, she responded to certain foods, she danced like a ballerina night and day.... I sensed her spirit with me as much as I could sense it was gone before we knew she had died.

But for the first time in a long time, I sat there in tears wondering if she knew how I danced for her... Did she know how hard I fought for her?  How I refused to let people talk of her like she was a lost cause?  Did she know how much I love her?   That I would do anything for another moment with her in our love song?  Could she tell I was dancing in the rain for her? 

Please God, if she doesn't know, can You tell her I did my side of the dance? 


  1. Oh Stacy, I believe that Rachel knew it... I'm pretty sure that she could feel all of your emotions while she was save in your womb. Stacy, you are a great dancer!
    Love and hugs, anja

  2. You just made me cry like I was re-watching the movie...

    Oh my!

    *No one warned me. I didn't have any tissues at the movie theater.

    It was a hard one to get through.

  3. Wow. This post moved me to tears. so well written. I bet she knows. i can tell (from following your blog for a little while now) that you're such a good mama.

  4. i want to see that movie and was told to watch fire proof but neither are on netflix so i need to find them


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