Friday, April 13, 2012

Life or Death?

I stopped at my bank today to talk to them about sponsoring Rachel's race again this year.  I introduced myself and said "I'm Rachel's Mother."  She knew who "Rachel" was....

I walked out to my car with the biggest smile and a skip in my step - people know who she is.

And as soon as I shut the van door, I started crying - they only know because she's dead.

There have been times when Desirae has thought we are 'famous'.  There are so many times (hundreds) that we're out and people approach us and tell us they read my blog or saw us in the paper....and I won't lie, I love it.  I LOVE knowing that she has touched so many people.  I'm so proud that her life hasn't gone unnoticed.

But some days I can't help but feel the underlying fact... It wouldn't have happened had she lived.  And I can't help but question if people were really as touched by her life as they were by her death?  Because as much as I tried to make the focus on the 43 minutes her heart beat outside my womb, It's only the 44th minute that makes us even count the first 43 of them.

On the way to the cemetery I heard an advertisement for a phone...the girl's life they were talking about was named Rachel.  In the last part it said  "Rachel's life just got better and that's something that makes her entire family happy."

And as I turned into the cemetery, I knew it was only because she died that she is better and that God has accomplished so much through her.  It's a high price for me, but as her mama....I am happy for her.  And any good mother would sacrifice whatever necessary for her children - even after they are dead. 

But I have to admit as I pulled in my driveway, still in tears, all I could think was "I'm so tired of having a dead baby"  It feels like a never ending road to heaven. So, as I start my fundraising for this year's race and find myself stuck between grief and joy as I continue to help my baby leave her legacy, I will hold my head high and know that yes, they remember her because she died... but she couldn't have died if she had never lived.

1 comment:

We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes