Beauty and Sorrow meet

Some may think this has got to be the worst thing I've ever been through...it is a heart wrenching, painful time - and I may change my view on this the day I have to bury my baby - but last night God brought me back to the days before Him. I was in the throws of addiction without my God. Lonely in a room full of people, hopeless in every circumstance, trying to find something, anything, to make me feel better not knowing that there was only One thing that would...a relationship with Jesus and I was totally against the idea of ever pursuing such a thing. That was the worst thing I have EVER been through. I am so grateful that God pursued me.

This is the worst thing I've been through as a Christian, but I am not without hope in this. Hope does not mean that I like it, want it, would choose it or am not heart broken. My heart has slowly been being ripped into pieces day by day, but I know that my God is going to put all those pieces back together. He is close to the broken hearted. He collects our tears in a bottle (psalm 56:8) I don't know about you, but I collect things that are important to me. This tells me that my tears are important to Him.

I was so blessed by our worship this morning at church. We sang "Amazing Grace" (our wedding hymn) and "How He loves us" (the cardboard testimony song-if you haven't seen the video, you should check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSGQfGh9-Hc) both reinforced what God had shown me the night before, reminding me of where He has brought me from and the beauty He brings out of pain. Another song had these lyrics:

I never knew death could be so sweet
I never knew surrender could feel so free...
I've never seen such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus was bled for me

I think our baby has shown me what it means for beauty and sorrow to meet. In this way, she reminds me of Jesus.