I had a hard time sleeping last night. I woke up over & over with bad dreams. God has graced me this morning with no memory of them (right now anyway) but I know they were about Rachel. I fell asleep praying over her birthday and praying that her birthday doesn't have to be the day we also say goodbye.
This time of waiting is hard. We're going through all the stages of grief now, and we will have a whole new level of that when we lose our baby. It feels like a never ending road. And honestly, I'm scared to come to the "end". I am still begging God daily to heal her, although I am finding peace in knowing the truth of the passage in Isaiah 55:8-9 that says:
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I have been utterly amazed at how God is carrying me through this time. I know the near future will get harder, and I am confident that He will be carrying me then too. It reminds me of the "footprints in the sand" poem. Right now, if you looked from above, there would definitely only be one set of footprints and it's not because I'm walking alone. From time to time, the enemy tries to creep in and convince me that my God has forsaken me...that He's left me alone in this. That I shouldn't have to deal with this and that God doesn't love me. I am so grateful to the Holy Spirit for protecting me from those thoughts. I am sure that this is something many people in this situation battle, but so far, it has not overtaken my heart. I know that is the work of God, because left to my humanness, I would be believing satan's lies.
How does a good God allow something like this?? It's simple - His ways are NOT our ways. They are higher and they are better. Not without pain, but better. I am totally surrendered to His plan for my life. It's a little harder surrendering my daughter to His plan since I, quite frankly, don't like it one bit - but we all have to do it. Every one of us who has children have to eventually surrender them to God. We do not have the control we like to think we have. It's ALL up to Him. I find great comfort in knowing that Rachel will never have a chance to reject our Savior and that we will see her again. I pray that my other children will grow to follow the Lord and meet us one day in heaven, but that is something I won't know for years to come. Rachel, however, I am certain of - and that is a gift.
Stacy, thank you for this blog and for giving us a window into your heart. You are loved. I will pray your requests and rejoice in your praises and answers to prayer. I praise God for His gift of beautiful and sweet Rachel Alice. I know you will love her forever! Love, Vicki Ridlon
ReplyDeletewhat a beautiful, heart filled tribute to this precious little girl. we love you guys. H+R+F+L+S+V
ReplyDeleteStacy,
ReplyDeleteGod is amazing through you. I didn't know the situation when I asked you about your due date and how you were feeling (at church 2 weeks ago) I can only imagine what was going through your mind. I am sorry that you have to endure this, but at the same time He is using you in a mighty way. I have read your prayer requests and am praying for you, Rachel, and you family.
Love,
Crystal Murphy
Stacy,
ReplyDeleteI have never personally known anyone who daily put down their own cross to pick up His in such a mighty way as you have!
I praise God that my sister in Christ has continued to listen to His voice and I ask Him to continue to give you the strength you need to do so.
I praise him that you are providing an example for all of us who know you to follow, and I humbly ask him that we would keep our hearts open the same way you have that may walk out our faith with the same character you do.
I praise Him that He is answering prayers regularly, and I ask that we might have the opportunity to continue to to glorify Him by answering more of them.
I praise Him that he is the author of our faith and that he does not allow Satan to take your thoughts captive, and I ask Him that all your sisters would be so wise.
Finally I praise Him that He is all powerful and and pray that He will work great miracles in this situation, and ask that we will be able to recognize them whatever form they take.
Please ask of us anything you need. Much love and prayers.
Christine