Monday, August 23, 2010
The girls from woman's bible study are renting me a hospital grade doppler!
Please do not shy away from asking me the normal things you would ask someone who is expecting...I understand that it's hard to know how to react to a situation like this. This is why I sent out that original email asking that people celebrate her life with us, to not act as if she's gone already. I am trying to be understanding that everyone has their own feelings to deal with on this and at the risk of sounding selfish, I need to ask you to put those things aside for our family right now. It is more painful to walk in a room full of people and have them act as if I'm not pregnant at all, or as if this is a topic to be avoided, than it would be to talk about what's happening. I am not ashamed of my daughter. I am not afraid to talk about her and I am not afraid to cry for her or about her. And you don't need to worry about me falling apart. God is carrying me. When I said I would prefer hugs over talking details, I didn't mean I didn't want to talk about HER, I meant I didn't want to talk about her death all the time while she is still alive. There will be plenty of time for that. I'm really struggling with the fact that it has kind of turned into that. I wanted to avoid people telling us all their advice on how to handle this or throwing out all the pat answers about why we should be fine with it or telling us they know how we feel. I wanted to avoid the extra info from the internet, which is why we're not sharing the diagnosis. I believe God will reveal the details we need, when we need them. I never wanted to avoid HER...I am saddend that it seems every conversation has been all about what's wrong...can we please talk about what's right?? Can we focus on her LIFE? Can we talk about normal stuff? I am not shy, if I want to talk about the sad stuff, you'll know it. Someone asked me when I was due this morning and I started crying. Not out of despair, but out of gratitude. (Thanks Norma!) She knew about Rachel, but wasn't afraid to treat her as if she is still on the way...It felt so good to have someone look forward to her arrival with me. It seems everyone is so focused on her expected death that they aren't able to remember that we are still expecting our second daughter. I created this blog to keep people up to speed on what was happening so that I didn't have to rehash it all the time.
OK, I had no intentions of letting that all out - and I'm tempted to erase it, but part of the purpose of this blog is to show you that I am just another girl with real feelings - so there you have it. My feelings are hurt. Kind of feel like a little kid again, but what can I say.
PS - please pass this on...not everyone is following all this blog and it would be helpful if you could help set the tone for how people approach this. thanks!