Another year gone by

Since last August, I've been wanting a ring that said "I will carry you" on it.  Matt got me one for my bday that came the other day.  He surprised me with having the inside engraved too.  It says "Thank you Mama". 

I was really upset when I first got it because you couldn't read the letters at all, they were very faint.  I contacted the guy we bought it from and of course, they don't take returns on engraved rings.  I thought he was high when he told me to color it in with a Sharpie... but it worked.  I love how it's a picture of making the most out of the imperfect.  This saying "I will carry you" is a symbol of my dedication to Rachel, but also my reminder that my God doesn't let me out of His sight.  He has been with me the whole time - carrying me while I carried her physically and carrying me as I continue to carry her in my heart.

I had a good birthday today.  Matt had to leave for work before we were up and I woke up to Isaiah whispering "Mama it's your birthday today" at the side of my bed.  I couldn't believe they remembered without Matt telling them to say it.  They were so excited for me to go downstairs cause apparently while I was out at a meeting last night for Rachel's 5K, they made me a banner and Matt hung it up before he left for them.  It was such a nice morning with my sweet children loving on me.  Matt left me a note that he had gotten a babysitter and we were going out tonight... love it when he plans stuff!  He really put a lot of effort into making today special. I also got a package from his mom the other day, which was a nice surprise and thoughtful.

I brought the kids to summer camp, dropped Sam off at his Godmother's (Millie) and went to a prenatal appt at the new doctors... had to switch places so I could deliver in another town that does VBAC's.  So it was like 2 hours long.  I didn't realize it was my birthday when I scheduled it, but it was fine.  Heard Asa's heartbeat, which is always nice.  I got a little nervous when it took her a minute to find it.  I could feel him moving and still worried... I guess it's part of having lost a baby.

I was right in Dover, but running behind and wanted to stop and visit my girl, but decided to wait until tomorrow since it's Friday.  It was so hard for me being that close to her and not stopping to visit.  I turned onto the highway trying to remind myself that she doesn't mind.  My mother's heart still wanted to spend sometime with my daughter on my birthday.

I went to lunch with my mom, ate way too much food and got a free bday sundae.  (always room for deep fried brownie bites covered in vanilla ice cream and hot fudge!)  We had some laughs and I got caught dancing by one of the waitresses... you can dress me up but you can't take me out.  I was doing the cowboy lasso thing and bouncing in my seat to a song and realized I had an audience... oh well.

I went home and noticed Matt had left me a note on my chalkboard...

As hard as this year has been on us, I know God is still using it for our good.  I do love so many things about my guy.  He's devoted to me, that's for sure.  Thank you for your prayers for us.

I took a LONG much needed nap.  I ended up feeling really sick cause I'm not used to eating fried food and I had onion rings and haddock.  I woke up to my kids putting on a birthday party for me... ice cream cake and presents.  I love watching Sam sing Happy Birthday. 

So then Matt & I went out for a while.  It was so nice out tonight and we had good conversation.  We went down to the park where Rachel's 5K will be and looked around and took a walk.  We went and got some salads at Panera and frozen Strawberry Lemonade... yum.  It's not very often we splurge on a $3 drink so this was a major treat :o)  

I share my day with a very special little girl, Amelia Grace Lorang.  She was born one year ago today.  I thought of her many times throughout the day and wondered if my girl was dancing at her party.  I'm guessing they must have parties in heaven?  Happy Birthday Amelia...

I wanted to post earlier, but had hundreds (literally) of Happy Birthday emails and messages to get through in my inbox.  I am so blessed by so many people, thank you.  I got to the end of my emails and of course, there had to be a mean one?  My first thought... well I won't share my first thought.  My second thought... why on my birthday? and then I looked at the clock and realized it was after midnight. :o)  It was actually the first email I got, from last night at 2am, but got pushed down to the bottom and God protected me from reading it until my day had finished.  He is in the details and cares about my days.  Thank You Lord. 

Of course, now I'm up way too late cause I haven't figured out how to not let mean people bother me... but someday maybe I'll learn that one too. 

Another year gone by... the next week marks my "before Rachel's diagnosis" week (I'll have more on this soon)  It's been very hard this past week for me.  My heart is very heavy, please pray for me.