Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Reliving the Past

August 4th last year was a day like today...  hot and sunny, clear skies and my 'routine' ultrasound scheduled.  Except last year in my mind, my 20 week ultrasound's only purpose was to tell me if I was having the girl I wanted so badly. 

Matt didn't ask soon enough for time off and didn't realize that the other auto glass guy was off today, so I got the news on Friday night that he wouldn't be coming with me... too late to reschedule my appt, especially after I had just battered them to give me a date soon (they weren't retuning my calls and it took me almost 3 weeks to get this appt). 

I have only stopped crying for minutes at a time this morning.  And my tears, although some are from fear of this appt, are mostly about what my last 20 week ultrasound meant for my life... and my precious daughter's.

I'm really struggling with my loneliness in this journey since I seem to be the only one who has thought about this at all.  Nobody seems to be thinking about the fact that this is not an easy day for me - or recognizing that this still could be a life-changing event for our family.  I guess it's just the way of our world - ultrasounds are not a big deal - they are "FUN".  But, they are not fun for me at all.  And this one is bringing back all sorts of emotions about the day we found out Rachel would die, that are not easy to deal with. 

I have heard many times over the past couple of days "oh, your ultrasound is coming up, how exciting!".  I'm not excited, I'm actually dreading it.  I know we already saw that he has a head... but over the past 11 months, I have talked to hundreds of women who have lost their babies to all sorts of different things.  Today is not just about anencephaly.  What if today is about another defect I've never heard of? 

The only thing I can think to compare it to that might make sense to the people who have not lost a baby is that when someone has had cancer treatments and is going for a scan to make sure it hasn't come back, it doesn't matter if it's been 25 years, there is always that thought "what if they find it again?" or "What if it's moved to another spot?"- and I'm assuming that comes with some remembering of what they went through and how painful it was.  People don't usually say to someone going for a scan after cancer "this is so exciting!  You're going to get good news!  Think positive!"  People tend to understand why that is scary.  But, for some reason because we're talking about babies, I'm supposed to be able to separate the two.  It's just not possible. 

So anyway, I figured writing might help me to be able to breath again, and it has... I've stopped sobbing for the moment.  But can you please pray for me?  My appt is at 10 am.  Hopefully, I'll be posting some great news in a few hours....


  1. Praying for you. Asking God to give you His peace to guard your heart and mind. I can understand how upsetting an ultrasound could be for you and wishing someone was going with you to pray with you and hold your hand. Love and hugs being sent your way!

  2. you are in the midst of your ultrasound - praying for peace! Praying for joy! Praying for God's assurance, He is all you need!

    love you lady

  3. Praying....I know your sono is probably done by now - it's ten central time. But I hope and pray you have received good news and that God's peace and love is surrounding you no matter what.

  4. I realize I'm a little late reading this post. Your appointment was at 10, and it's already past 11.

    I am praying for you. I'm praying for your peace. I'm praying that you feel God surrounding you while you're at the doctor.

    I am praying for your precious baby boy, that God will make him whole... every tiny piece of him.

    I am praying that it is God's will that you get to keep your precious baby boy.

    Sadie Mae's Mommy

  5. I'm praying for you, Stacy! Even if I've never lost a child so far I understand your fears. I'm pregnant with our thirth baby and I'm always scared when it comes to an ultrasound or a monthly consultation. I hope everything is fine with your baby boy!
    Much love, anja

  6. I just wanted you to know I am praying for you even though I'm a little late in reading this <3

  7. I am praying for your pregnancy. I have never lost a child such as you have, but when my son was born, he had Symbrachydactyly (missing/short fingers) on one hand. When I had an ultrasound with my next child, I was scared that she too would have something "wrong" that we would see then or that we would see when she was born. Lots of prayer got us through & she was born absolutely perfect. I can relate to that nervous feeling. I hope your pregnancy goes well & I enjoy reading your blog & hearing about you from my sister-in-law (goes to your church). ~Cassy

  8. Just read this, but pray you are at peace with all that went on yesterday.

    Our anencephalic angel, Samuel, was due in September of 2004, and his brother Owen in September 2005. So, all my appointments were lining up at the same time, and I know that fear and dread.

    I just kept, throughout the pregnancy with Owen, repeating 2 Timothy 1:7. Praying you can cling to God's promises too.


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes