Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I Cried Because I Cried

Wow, today was one of 'those' days...

Let me give you a couple of key points from last night that played into today...  I got home late from picking up my sister's kids last night and Matt had mopped the kitchen floor - and while he was at it, he broke the mop.  Then at around 11:30 we got into a debate over my cell phone plan.  I wanted to add minutes because I keep running out of them and I like to talk... (it's a pre-paid phone) he didn't think that was necessary.  I went to bed way too late, mad about my cell phone plan.  (seriously)

I had my sister's kids last night while she was in surgery so my mom could be down there with her.  The girls proudly manned a "Robot Picture Sales" Table on the side of the road until 8:45 and were very bummed out that I was the only shopper. (I took the van around the house and pretended I was at a drive-thru)  Their robot pictures were very creative... all sporting different shapes and colors.  I bought the "heart robot" and the "mad mama robot" (which made me crack up cause I know it was a picture of me from earlier that day).  I had to explain to them that 8:30 at night is just not the time of day most people are out robot picture shopping...  better luck during business hours :o)

My kids are going to Vacation Bible School (VBS) this week and so I asked if my niece and nephew could join them.  I hadn't heard back yet and the kids were all outside this morning playing nicely.  The boys on the swing set and the girls were making more robot pictures to sell.  I thought "maybe I should just keep them home and not have to rush out of the house"  and no sooner did I have that thought and I heard...

"Auntie, the girwls said we're the stupidest boys ever!"
"Well, they wouldn't listen and they are being annoying!"
"no we're not"
"yes you are"

I worked them through it... "you're not stupid... don't boss them around....sit down on the top of the slide" all that good stuff.  I checked my email and saw that it was ok if I brought the extra two kids today, but was still debating if I wanted to just skip it.  A few minutes later, I heard Sam start screaming.  He fell from the top of the slide.  Other than a little blood on his tongue and a bad grass stain on his shirt, he was fine...Thank God. 

I skipped my shower, got dressed and yelled out "get in the van, you're going to VBS"  While they were gone having fun and singing about God being "wild about them", me & my Sam went to the grocery store and ran some errands... so far so good.

I'll admit that I was preoccupied mentally over my sister and how she was doing.  I got home, put stuff away and got on the computer to do a few things and one thing after another went wrong - I could not get anything to cooperate.  I really don't like computers.  I picked everyone up from VBS and when I got home, my mom had come to pick my niece & nephew up and brought stuff for dinner... a spiral ham and potatoes and she shucked my corn for me.  She got it all ready in water so all I had to do was turn on the stove and she put the ham in so all I had to do was take it out.  I didn't really want the ham in the oven since it was a cooked ham...I would usually just cut off what we would eat and heat that.  But you 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth'. (meaning you should accept a gift without complaining)  So in it went. 

Alright, for once dinner will be a real meal and on time! 

I should have known I was bordering emotional when I read my friend Melissa's blog (Amelia's mom) and was in here bawling, while my mom was in the kitchen...I know many of you read the blogs on my list anyway, but if you didn't read Melissa's from today, you should.  She expresses so many of my own feelings (and things I wonder about for my near future) in an amazing way that I cried both because it's nice to know I'm not the only one and because when I read her take on our girls in heaven, I knew she was right.  It was the last couple lines that did me in.... I both love and hate it.

I sat down to catch up on stuff for Rachel's 5K and actually fell asleep sitting up.  I woke up to a huge bang and the kids yelling "hurry Mama, the orange juice!"  Isaiah had tried to get it out of the fridge, dropped it, the jug broke and it was spraying everywhere.  No napping here.  I went back to work.  My computer kicked me off the internet about 10 times.  Fairpoint is horrible!  Matt got home early and took the kids with him to get something done to the van. 

I had some peace and quiet... 

I went back to work.  BANG!  Sam fell out of his bed!.  am I ever going to get a break around here?  Now my sleeping toddler is awake and screaming... my floor is sticky... my mop is broken... I can't bend over without horrible heartburn... I've gotten nothing done for Rachel's 5K... I over cooked the potatoes and burned my hands with the steam trying to strain them....AND OH MY GOSH, THE HAM IS STILL IN THE OVEN!  I took it out... burnt. 

I looked down and Sam had Desirae's non-washable markers and had colored all over the kitchen floor and his face. 

Could I have ever needed a mop more than I do today?

I cut some ham off and mashed the potatoes and got Sam some dinner.  I started cutting the burnt stuff off the rest, the pan shifted on the burner, boiling ham juice went all over the floor and my foot which startled me and I dropped the knife too.  As I dodged the knife in hopes of saving my toes, I heard Sam say "yucky ham" as he threw his food all over the floor.

I started crying.
I cried some more.
Matt came home with the kids and I continued to cry.
I got them all dinner while I continued to cry.
I ate my dinner with tears flowing.
I got Sam in the bath and kept crying.

And then Matt broke the news to me... he started it off with "I hope you find the humor in this....just laugh with me...  (apparently he could not see that I was in no way going to be laughing at that moment - but the kids were pushing him to "tell Mama what happened").... I brought the kids to Target while we waiting for the van and I put your phone on the shelf to get a toy down and it fell off... and broke in half... hahaha"  he then mentioned the irony of the fact that we had the 'conversation' about the cell phone last night and here he is having to tell me he broke it.  He bought a new one, but my sims card with my minutes on it wouldn't work in it. 

I started sobbing.
I sobbed some more.

Isaiah asked me "why you crying Mama, are you sad that Rachel died or that Daddy broke your cell phone?"

Still crying.   I couldn't stop.  I cried because I have a ton to do and can't get it done.  I cried because I burnt myself, I cried because I burnt the ham, I cried because I feel like I've been pregnant forever between the 2 pregnancies and am tired. I cried because my floor is gross and my house is a mess.  I cried because my phone broke.  I cried because that means I'm going to have to figure something else out.  I cried because my kids consider my baby dying and my cell phone breaking similar in the "worthy of tears" department. I cried because I miss Rachel.  I cried because I cannot believe I watched my baby die and I just want her here with me.  I cried because I cried.

Some days are harder than others...  this was one of them.  I am thankful that even when I'm alone crying for hours at a time, over seemingly unimportant stuff, God is with me and He cares. 

Psalm 56:8
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

6 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for your rough day. On days like that you can claim,

    “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’…For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 1 Corn 12:9,10.

    I pray that tomorrow His grace and strength will carry you.

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  2. I hope today is better............

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  3. oh honey, I could decide whether I should laugh or cry with you!!!
    Here's to better days my friend!

    huge hugs!

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  4. I think one day you are going to come back to this and find it a bit funny. I am sorry you had a bad day.

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  5. Ok, so before you delete this “hear” me out. You seem like me but in different ways, if that makes sense. I looooooooong for a friend, someone who gets me and understands me. I don’t know if you would like me as I don’t share the grief you do, but I get you. It’s hard to explain but God has been banging at my head on all of this for a while.

    My mom died 3 years ago. She was 49, I was barely 30. I watched her take her last breath after 13 years of battling cancer. I was holding my 3rd child in my arms and pregnant with my 4th, yet I didn’t know it but she did (a story).

    I lost my best friend, but I didn’t really know that till it was too late, again another story. I, and I will say again “IIIIIII”, have been following your blog from when you found out about Rachel till now and will continue. Why? I see me in you but different. I care. Her life is amazing and she lives on through you and eternally in Jesus’s arms. Again I probably don’t make sense.

    Your honest words, feelings, anger, grief, denial, confusion etc in what God’s plan is for you and I burns in my soul. I feel what hurts you, but again in opposite spectrums. Opposite spectrums in even the way we were brought up, lived our lives, bear our grief.

    I am sure you have friends Stacy, other woman that can share in how you feel. I have been lead to reach out to you and wonder why God has led me this way. But I cannot deny His call anymore. I struggle with a lot and often do not let it out. I sometimes envy the way you can. I can’t imagine the grief and emotions you struggle with as mine are different.

    Ugh, I don’t make sense. I just wanted you to know someone is out there, someone you don’t know, who feels for you and wishes she could have been there for you.

    God’s love and peace are upon you, even though sometimes I wonder (again I don’t make sense probably).
    ~L

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We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes