Saturday, July 30, 2011

Will I Ever Stop Wondering?

Another Friday come and gone... another week with empty arms.

I went to Rachel's grave today with my huge scissors that you don't have to bend to use and cut Rachel's grass and the weeds around her stone foundation.  It looks better.  She should be getting her stone soon.  I'm hoping to hear back in the beginning of the week with a set date, but this guy has been giving me the run around for months.  I finally heard back the other day and he said he was starting the corrections on it.... please pray it will be in before her 5K.

I also had an ultrasound today which was ok.  I wasn't scared this time... and I felt myself getting a little more attached to him.  I know God will help me bond with this baby in His perfect timing.  It feels like my heart is finally starting to accept that I might actually get to bring this sweet boy home with me.  It's just such a mix of emotions.  I can't wait to hold him and see him breath and move... and yet sometimes it seems like that's not ever going to happen.

Tonight I got an email from a blog reader who shared with me about her son that she lost to anencephaly... I was so encouraged to hear her tell me that she knew of my pain and had experienced some of the same hurt by well meaning people.  She also shared the things she wonders about as far as what he would have been like... and if he would have "liked peas."

I cried.  Would she have looked like Sam?  Would she have a contagious laugh like her sister?  Would she be sleeping through the night?  Would her hair be long enough for pony tails yet?  Would she be chubby, starting to pull herself up, blue or brown eyes??  Would she get into everything like Isaiah?  I imagined her in the highchair in the kitchen and could picture me sitting with her and feeding her peas.... I wonder, would she have liked them?

In the matter of minutes, I had taken myself through a day with her in my mind watching her grow and learn and my heart broke at the thought of all I don't know about her.  So many things I would have loved to find out about my girl... so many things I wanted to tell her.  I wonder, will I ever stop wondering??


  1. I don't think you'll ever stop wondering, Stacy. The first thing I bought for Stella was a sundress and sunhat for our beachtrip and my father-in-law's wedding. Our trip has come and gone with bittersweet memories and me wondering what she would have been like sitting on a beach blanket in her sweet little dress. Someday you'll hear Rachel's laugh and see her smile. She is already whole and is herself in heaven. I wonder if she knows Stella. :) Take heart, mama. Praying for your upcoming race. Thank you for your friendship and your encouraging words. You are very right that there is no amount of "pink" and no other daughter who can/could take the daughters we lost.

  2. The 'what ifs' and 'what she'd be doing now' are some of the most painful thoughts I have.

    Sending big hugs your way sweet friend!

  3. nope. never.

    Guess what! Today when we were doing our 3k walk I came across a beautiful yard and stopped to take I stopped I noticed the daisy's in the mix and took a be blogged soon. Thought of you all!

  4. Praying for you! I still think about what Ethan would look like now when he would have turned 7 August 5th, just a few short days away. I imagine him running around with his 3 big brothers. Instead he is in heaven running around with Rachel and Amelia and all the other precious children in Jesus' care. I can't wait to join that party! Praying for you still.....


We so appreciate your words of encouragement!
Thank you! ♥ The Aubes