A Fading Daisy, Big Heart, and Faithful God

Yesterday was my little sister's 30th birthday, so Sam & I drove down to visit her in the hospital.  She's doing ok as far as not having complications from surgery, but her pain is hard to control.  Please pray for that.

As we were leaving, I found a single daisy on the floor by the elevator.  A few of the petals had fallen off and where scattered around.  I thought about Rachel and how 'flowers fade'.  I picked it up and sighed...

It was a long day of traveling and when we got back to the area, we stopped to visit Rachel.  Someone had left a little heart stone there a week or two ago that almost got lost under all the long grass. I rummaged around a little to find it... it was a little beaten up.  I left the daisy and took my faded heart, just like I had to do in December when I walked away from that spot for the first time.

I need to get myself a cordless weed wacker cause her grave is out of control and I don't like messy.  I'm not going to complain cause technically, I'm not supposed to have anything there but her stone. (which is still not done yet!  Totally frustrated with this guy - he's been blowing me off for 2 months now!)  They are bending the rules to allow me to have anything there, but in return, they don't cut near it.  I have tried to consolidate things that people leave so that it's not cluttered in hopes that they would clean it up, but it hasn't worked.

I can't believe that just a few weeks ago, this was still a spot of dirt.  I took a picture of the heart I told you about last week... the grass is really long so it's not as obvious, but I think you can still see it.  It actually covers her entire tiny grave, from one side to the other.  There is only dirt left along the edges now. I'm glad the grass is growing good... and at the same time it is a reminder that she wasn't here yesterday. It's been 32 weeks since I held her. My arms haven't missed one day of longing for her and time has not changed the intensity of that one bit.

It's amazing how God provides for my heart because one of my worries with having her grass grow in is that I wouldn't know where exactly she was buried anymore.  I know that sounds irrelevant, but it's just the way it is.  Do you remember last month when I was upset cause when I moved her bench, it had ruined the growing grass underneath?  Well, that is what created the bottom of the heart!  God has a plan in the details that sometimes hurt. He knows the number of hairs on our head and controls even where each blade of grass grows.  He has yet to miss an opportunity to bring me comfort and reassurance and I try to always be aware of those moments.  Until she gets her stone, the heart being there helps me to be able to still see exactly where she is.... she's right in the middle of the heart God gave me.  He gave me a heart in the grass, but He also gave me my heart of flesh that was meant to hold all this love for Rachel... and He prepared my heart for how big and deep, and even painful, this love would be.  I'm honored to be the one He chose for that.

I saw a mother & daughter locket set Thursday... a big one for Mama and a little one for the daughter and was sad that I didn't get something like that for Rachel.  I had searched for the perfect thing while pregnant to help me always feel connected to her and found nothing until after she was buried.  Today I'm wondering if God had a specific purpose in that...  so that I wouldn't be relying on man-made "connections", but on the one given to us by our God and to help me to continue to trust in Him, not anything else for comfort. 

I got her stuff all cleaned up... I felt a little crazy cleaning off her little name plate with a baby wipe. (that's the first time I've been able to use a baby wipe to take care of her) It's looking pretty beat up.  It's been through the long months of winter and the rainy spring we had and the weather has taken it's toll.  I can relate.  As I walked away, I looked back at the little fading daisy and the big heart above my girl's grave and I saw a picture of me, her and God's provision through this trial...

This little grave holds a piece of my heart that longs for my daughter every day I live and grieves her fading body deeply. I believe that I can trust my God when He says that as believers, our lives don't end in the grave.  It might not be until my body joins hers there in that grave that I truly know this truth, but so far from my experience, He has never let me down.

Isaiah 40:6-8

A voice says, “Cry!” And I said, “What shall I cry?”
All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.

The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the Lord blows on it;

surely the people are grass.  The grass withers, the flower fades,

but the word of our God will stand forever.