In My Dreams

I woke up this morning to Sam trying to blow a raspberry on my arm... I nudged Matt and asked him to get up with him... I wanted to go back to my dream...

A dream about Rachel...I'm not sure I've had one before.

I was up until after 1am writing my post from last night and finally decided to finish it in the morning.  I was feeling unsettled about a lot of things and had a hard time going to sleep.  After what I had written about her in the delivery room, I couldn't help but wonder if this was a dream or a vision... trust me people, I'm not going crazy, but this was pretty intense.  I was not able to go back to it, but laid there thinking about it with a smile on my face....

So, it went like this - I was in the hospital bed, apparently in the OR, except the room was darker, more like an ultrasound room.  I looked at the ultrasound pictures that were coming out of the machine automatically, only to find by surprise that she was actually being born.  In the ultrasound pictures, I was not having a c-section so I'm guessing the idea is that she came at the right time. (I always question if I should have had my c-section 3 weeks early.  I know I needed to for me physically because of the excessive fluid issue, but hate the thought that maybe if she had the extra time she would have done better)  In the room, there were random nurses and family members and friends that all seemed to be off to the sides in their own world and having their own conversations.  Everyone was sad and the air was heavy.  I was holding Rachel and she was quietly dying, just like the day of her actual birth. 

All of a sudden, I could see me on the bed holding her... like I was out of my body.  I watched myself looking at her in my arms and the peaceful sadness that was over the bed.  It was quiet with just the beeping of the machines and soft small talk in the background.  Although I couldn't hear what anyone was saying,  I could tell that people were concerned for me & her on the bed, but nobody came near us... it was just me & Rachel.  

I went over and took her from the me on the bed and the second I did, she started cooing.  She yawned really big, opened her eyes and looked at me. In my excitement over seeing her become alert, I smiled at her and tried to get the other's attention.  She seemed bigger than a newborn at this point and her head was all there.  I started bouncing her and she giggled like crazy.  Where I was standing with her was now lit better, but the rest of the room was still darker.  My family around me couldn't hear her laughing or see her smiling... they were still sad.  I heard bits and pieces of conversation about her being dead.  There were only a couple of people in the room who could see what was happening.  From the bed I watched her interacting and although it filled me with joy and I was really happy to see it, I was feeling left out and sad because I wanted her to do it in my arms. 

And then I realized it wasn't me holding her, it was Jesus.

I woke up and honestly wondered if that was really a dream or if God was showing me what happened when He took her from my arms in the hospital.  I came downstairs saying "you wouldn't believe the dream I just had" but was reluctant to even call it a dream - I couldn't shake that it was more than my imagination playing with my mind in my sleep...but that maybe I just got a glimpse of my girl's eternal life with Jesus beginning and the love and joy He feels when He looks at her, as well as how happy and lively she is in His arms.

I'm positive if she would have been better off in my arms, He would have given her back to me and let me hold her in that bed... if only in my dreams.