All Heart

After watching Rocky III, I had to really resist writing a post titled "The Eye of the Tiger"....for real. I'll admit, I am aware that I look deeper into these things than most people probably would.  I'm not sure what you call that part of my personality, but it just is who I am.  And I believe God made me that way for a purpose.

So, Netflix (the company we use for streaming videos) has failed me again.  Seems every time they get wind that I might actually like a series they have, they get rid of it before I'm finished... so I'm getting rid of them!  But we now have Amazon Prime and we were able to order Rocky IV as a rental the other night. 

Let me give you the run down...  The guy that Rocky lost to in the first movie (Apollo Creed), that he then beat in part 2, has since become his trainer - helping him kick Mr. T's behind in part III  In this one, Apollo decides he wants to go back in the ring to fight this "Russian Giant" who they are unaware is on steroids.  He's a mean machine and Apollo doesn't make it through 2 rounds before he got knocked down and killed.  So, Rocky buries his friend and then has no choice but to mess this guy up.... Adrian isn't happy about this because she wants him to stop and just "move on like everyone else".  She tells him "You can't win!" but Rocky says he can't stop because he's a fighter and that's what fighters do...fight.

Since the Russian had proven to be CrAzY, on the way into the ring, Rocky's brother-in-law Polly tells him that if he could be anyone in the world, he'd choose him cause 'he's all heart.'

In the beginning of the fight, they said "this is truly a case of David vs Goliath".  Rocky goes to the last round at which point they show them each in their corners - the giant says "This guy isn't human" and Rocky says "He's just a man" - Seems after the crazy steroid guy goes a few rounds with someone who is all heart, he starts to get tired and give up.  He isn't used to people who get back up after he knocks them down.... but as we learned in Rocky II....Rocky always gets back up.

In the last round, Rocky knocked him out....  GO ROCKY!  I love that guy!  Seriously, how could anyone not like him??   But I'm getting off track...  what's my point....My point is that it had nothing to do with ability, strength or size.  He won because his heart was in it.

Yesterday Matt & I went out for 4 hours while my sister babysat and we put up posters for Rachel's race everywhere.  We put up yard signs and talked to tons of people.  People would say "no, you can't hang a sign in my window" and we'd pull it out and show them our sweet girl and tell them our story and within minutes, the poster was up or they were asking for another one to hang up somewhere else.  People can't resist her.... or our heart for her.

(side note:  My knees are getting better!!  I hurt a little, but after all that walking, not bad!)

We came home and while looking for something on a computer I don't use often (but used while I was at the hospital having her), I came across her birth photos from my camera.... and her birth video.  I didn't cry much...  but I did find myself talking to her as if she could hear me.  I was saying things like "you're so pretty", "you were amazing" and "I miss you baby girl".  I watched her birth a couple of times and stared at the photos of me as I was getting ready to meet her in the operating room and as I held her.  I thought back to those moments and what it felt like.  I remember feeling relieved that I finally knew what was going to happen; how it all would unfold, even though I wasn't happy with it - and also that I got to meet her alive... and then being so disappointed that she didn't live longer.  I wanted the kids to meet her alive too.

But as I looked at each picture, the look on my face was clearly one of love, hope, and dedication.  And I'll never regret going to the last round against my 'giant' for her.  I remember looking up at Matt as I felt them tugging her out and saying to him "she's coming" and I was scared to death.  That moment forever changed who I am.  I had to dig deep and pray like I had never prayed before and trust Him like I had never trusted Him before.  I had chosen to be cut open for a chance at just a few minutes with my daughter... and that is all I got.  When they handed her back to me after putting me on a different bed to bring us back to my room, she was already gone and yet, I can see it there too....  I was all heart.  I didn't know I could love like that.  I put my whole heart into it... into her... the life that God gave to me and allows me to call mine - even though she was really His. 

And you know what?  I'm not stopping there.  I don't care if people think I'm holding on to this longer than I should.  I don't care if people judge me for not 'letting it go' - They don't understand my life as a whole, nor do they take the time to.  They just judge me and assume they know by looking at me or a couple of blog posts how far I've come in my 'healing' (or what they define healing as) as if that's ever going to happen completely on this side of heaven. 

I love my dead daughter just like I love my living children and my God.  With an unashamed love that goes deeper, wider, longer than I ever knew possible... with all my heart. With the heart that He gave me.  It's not from me, it's from Him and it's for His purposes.  And I trust His purposes, even when I don't like His plan.  I trust that I have this unquenchable desire to share her with the world because God gave it to me and is going to use it for His glory.  It's not about hanging on to the past or not moving forward.  It's not even about making something good out of something hard.  I'm not that strong. It's about obedience to my Lord. It's about surrender.  It's about the fact that God knew before the foundations of the earth that Rachel would live, die, and that I would be her mother...  and when He created me, He knew what was going to come - and He foreordained every. single. thing. that happened in my life from the day I came out of my mother (thanks, Mom) :o) until now to prepare me... my heart... for this task... this unbelievable honor... of loving that little girl with all that I am and leaving a legacy with her of what it means to hope in Jesus. And along the way, having the honor of being able to bless other people in her memory.  How could I do all that if I try to forget and move on?  I can't do it....This is who I am now.  And I like who I am because of her.

I'm going to the last round....  and I WILL still be standing.  Satan can try to tell me I can't win, the crowd can all boo and throw tomatoes at me...even cheer for the Russian guy. Everyone can say I'm nuts.  I don't care.  I know what I'm being called to.  One day I will stand before God and I am absolutely certain that HE will be pleased with my sacrifice, even if nobody else understands why I can't just stop fighting and move on.  God and only God will tell me when it's time to leave her in the past.   

Can you hear that??  I think I hear The Eye of the Tiger :o)  grrrrrr.....

Holes of Sun

I spent some time at a friend's house this afternoon with the kids, sitting on the porch with the sun warming my back.  It was absolutely beautiful out.  We started getting ready to head out and it started to DOWNPOUR out of nowhere.  My friend came out with her umbrella and walked Sam to the van while I ran with the baby.  Within just a couple short minutes, we were all soaked.  The carseats got wet just opening the doors.

When we got home, we ran inside and I was so wet I had to change.... Des looked out the back door and told me that there was a big hole of sun shining through the dark clouds.  I took a look and had to share...

Is it just me, or is it strange how many times there have been heart-shaped 'holes of sun' out my back door??  Gray clouds, rain and sunshine can and do coexist.... and somewhere, there was a rainbow. 

Stand in the Rain

Sunday was 18 months since I said hello and goodbye to my girl.  It was a hard day, but I did a good job avoiding tears - which I'm starting to see is what people actually call 'good'.  So, I guess I was 'good'.

I've been meaning to post about the day because some beautiful things happened, but my thoughts are a little tainted by an underlying issue I have going on this week so I'm a little lost for words.  I guess I'll just try....

I spent an hour talking to my friend Kim on the phone before church.  I went to church, with a fresh daisy hooked to my diaper bag representing my girl, and the songs seemed to be hand picked for me.  The general tone of worship being all about God being bigger than death.  My heart cry was of praise to Him for all He's done and carried me through - but also to help me to continue to believe in His promises - here and in heaven.  That He's good and His love is great.

After church Kim came over and spent the afternoon.  We had coffee and then her & I went to Rachel's grave.  We stood above her grave in the rain, just talking, for well over an hour.  She brought a cute pink pin wheel that matches the one she brought to her sister's spot.  The weather was doing the strangest thing...  It would be raining and then stop for just a few minutes and the sun would come out, seemingly shining just for us - and then return to rain.... and I knew there must be a rainbow somewhere.  But the way that weather described the last 18 months of my life is what got me.  Rain. Sun.  Rain.  Sun.  Back and forth.  Inconsistent.  Lots of wind.  Knowing there's a rainbow, doesn't mean you can always see it.  And how growth happens because of the combination of sun and rain...and before you know it, the seeds turn into flowers.  If you stared at a seedling without looking away, you'd never see it growing.... but that doesn't mean it isn't.  I don't usually feel like I've made much 'progress' - but when I compare 18 months ago to now... I can see how God has grown me.

And the most special part was that while I stood there, soaked with rain and mist, I wasn't alone.  I had a friend by my side just 'there' with me - and she was soaked too.  The bests gifts I've been given on this journey don't come in the form of things or words - but rather always ones where my friends are willing to stand in the rain with me - not to tell me how I should view the rain, what I should do about it or where to buy an umbrella so I don't feel it anymore... but just to feel the drops with me and not walk away.  To be with me where I am.

We didn't stand there and talk only about Rachel.  We didn't stand there and 'obsess' over my loss.  We didn't even cry.  We just spent time together in a place where my baby is buried and even had a few laughs.  I know some people don't get this.  I know some people envision me a blubbering mess - and even if I was....is that wrong?  Well, I guess to some it is 'after all this time'...but I'm not a blubbering mess.  I do however think of my daughter every. single. day. multiple times a day.  And will for the rest of my life.  That doesn't mean I don't have hope.  It doesn't mean I don't believe that I'll see her again.  And if you endure the loss of your child, you will know that both pain and joy can and do exist in the same place in your heart.  But heaven feels so far away.

After the cemetery, we came home and ate and hung out a while more.  And when she left, I did some busy work and ended up talking to my friend Amanda for hours until the 3rd had turned into the 4th....again, not only about Rachel and not through tears... all the while knowing I was on the phone solely for the purpose of distracting myself.  I'm so thankful for my friends.

Asa was upstairs asleep in his co-sleeper and when I walked into the room, his little blanket didn't seem to be enough for the cooler air that night.  I looked around, but his blanket had been put into the hamper to be washed and the only one I could see was Rachel's....  I usually sleep with it until he wakes up and then switch the blanket for him...  but he needed it.  So, I covered him up with her pink blanket and crawled into bed without him or 'her' in my arms for the first time in 18 months.

And I fell asleep.......

And while I did okay sleeping with completely empty arms, I don't view this as a 'step forward' or an 'achievement', nor do I want to be told that it is.  Because to me, I was just doing the same thing for Asa that I always did and always will do for Rachel - sacrificing to care for him.  I didn't want to sleep without her blanket - especially on her anniversary, but there is no need of mine great enough to stop me from giving my everything for my children.  At times it's in the big things like having a c-section for Rachel and at times it's in the small things like sharing her blanket with Asa.  In life, in death - they are my babies... and always will be. 

Fields of Daisies

First, let me say that I just looked on the site for Rachel's Race registrations and we have 45, two of which are helpers and don't count as registrations, which makes 43.  Just in time for her 18 month anniversary - which is the goal I set last month.  THANK YOU for helping me get there.  I can hardly believe it.  Thank you. ♥

Friday when I went to Rachel's grave, I spent some time writing her a letter.  I'm glad I did because it was so nice out and today it's raining and is supposed to for days.  I guess that's fitting considering how I feel.  I can't believe it's been 18 months.  I can't believe she would be walking and talking.  I can't believe how much I miss her.

On the way there, we went passed the on ramp that everyone has been messaging me about....it's covered with daisies.  Honestly, the highway and the edge of every main road around here is right now - I've never seen anything like it and I've lived here my entire life.  I am convinced God is showering me in an extra special way and keeping people thinking about her.  I took a couple pictures (while stopped at the light by the on ramp) and as we picked up speed on to the highway, I was yelling to the kids "look at all the daisies!!! She's everywhere!  God loves us so much!"  They all were smiling at my excitement and Samuel started pointing and yelled along with me... "Look at 'em all!"

I suppose it could be just a coincidence that they bloomed just before her anniversary.... but I doubt it. 

We went to her grave and found a princess wand for Rachel for her birthday and a little gift for Desirae from my friend Elisha.  It was so sweet and Des was so excited to get something for her there.  Elisha wrote to her about what a good big sister she is to Rachel, which made me cry.  She is such an amazing big sister to Rachel....she really is.

I sat down and I wrote....and cried.... and then said goodbye again as I left my girl in the cemetery another time.  But I guess rather than try to tell you how I feel, I'll just share the letter I wrote with you here.

Rachel Alice,

I sit here at your grave, another Friday without you.  The skies are clear, the sun is warm, and there is a light breeze.  The sound of an airplane in the distance makes a white noise over the sounds of your sister and brothers playing.  Everything feels comfortable and nice - everything except the fact that you're still gone.  It's been almost 18 months since I held you and kissed you.  18 long months of trying to make your grave pretty.  18 long months of aching arms and a hole in my heart.  And I'm okay. God is still good.  But I hate my new normal and trying to make purpose out of my pain.  Each day when I wake, you are close to the first thought on my mind and at night, always the last.  I never knew I could hold so much love for someone I hardly knew.  I wasn't prepared for this.  Sometimes I wonder how I can miss you so much when I never had you as a part of my daily life, but you are part of me and when you died, so did a piece of me.  I will never be the same.  And that's okay too.

Until you Rachel, I never knew love - my love or God's love - like I do now.  You have been a blessing beyond compare and I will love you and care for you every day of my life here until I see you again.  Every time I lift my hands in praise to God or dance like no one is watching, I will think of you and smile as I imagine you doing the same with God and the promise of us one day dancing and praising Him together hand in hand.

18 months feels like forever.  It doesn't compare to eternity.  I can't wait to see you again.  I miss you so much.

With all my love,

Mama

After Desirae's acting class, we looked across the street and there were MORE!  So, we stopped and Isaiah got out and picked some for Rachel.

 They are sitting on my counter with all her other flowers since we had a 'bathroom emergency' and didn't have time to swing back to her grave like I wanted... but it's okay.  She doesn't care where they are... her garden is way more beautiful than even thousands of wild daisies - although I do picture her running in a field of them.... I bet there are no ticks in her fields!  And one day, I will run in those same fields with her and get to hear her giggle...and see her smile... and hold her....and tell her of the beautiful flowers she planted all over the earth.  In my heart.  In the hearts of so many others.  And I'll tell her about the fields of daisies - and how so many people see them, remember her, and remember God's faithfulness because of our journey together.  Because of daisies.

We serve an awesome God who is the Only One who can comfort in times of such sorrow.  Please remember me in prayer as I make my way through another June 3rd.  I'm already crying and it's just begun.  This is going to be a hard day for me.  But I am confident God can and will carry me through it as I once again lay my daisy at the foot of His cross and fix my eyes on His fields.

Walk the Talk

Tonight Matt & I went to a wake for a friend's son.  He was only 22 years old and got hit by a car while walking.  When I walked in, she walked right up to me and hugged me for a long time.  She pulled me to the side and said "I have to tell you this cause you'll understand and nobody else will"  And as she shared her heart with me, I cried with her and I totally 'got it'. 

I hate that I get it.  But at the same time, I'm so thankful I can be there for someone in a way I could have never been before Rachel.  I'm so thankful for my daughter.  I'm so thankful for the way God has carried me and taught me and lifted me on wings like eagles....  For His provision, purpose and protection.  For His plan, His ways, His sovereignty.

I hate what sin in this world does.  I hate that mothers and fathers bury their babies - no matter how old they are.  I hate death.  But I serve a God who hates all those things too.  He knows our pain and cares about it.  And this was never what He wanted in this world.  He is good.  And one day He will wipe away every tear for those who trust in the name of Jesus.

I look forward to that day.

But today, reality is here.  Pain is real.  Loss is suffocating.

I sat there tonight and looked around at the beautiful flowers that surrounded his casket.... through my tears I cried to Matt " I don't ever want to have to do this."  And I was full of fear that I may one day have to bury my child.  I recently said "When Des gets married, I'm going to be thinking about Rachel" and tonight I was ashamed.... who am I to assume I will get to see Desirae get married?  Just because she is here doesn't give me a guarantee.  One day I could be standing by her casket.... the thought is paralyzing. 

I went to the bathroom before we left and as I washed my hands I felt my milk let down... I looked into the mirror and thought "Oh my gosh, I HAVE done this before..." as I remembered the feeling of my milk 18 months ago at Rachel's funeral.  It's as if I had temporarily gone back into denial.  And again, reality bit me.

What choice do I have but to rub the sting and keep going?  I  beg God to help me be His hands and feet in this woman's life as she endures this deep loss and buries her baby.  To be quiet and pray... to give hugs... to let her be right where she is....to help in practical ways and be there in thoughtful, simple ways.  To bless her in all the ways I've learned are helpful and spare her in all the ways I've found painful...to not need to have all the answers to all her questions... to trust God to show her the way.

I'm so thankful for every detail of my walk with Rachel.  Thank You Jesus for letting me be her Mama - for changing me through her so that I can better serve those who hurt like I've hurt.

Blog Changes That Include You

A couple of weeks back I had tried to switch my blog to the old one, but ran out of time and never went back.  Last night I heard there were problems with my other one so I went for it.  It's far from what I would like it to look like - Dear my perfectionism, you will have to get over it. - but a strange thing happened to me as I set it up....

This is the layout I used when I first started blogging right after Rachel's diagnosis...  I changed it shortly after she died to the other one.... and when I looked at the old one, memories flooded my heart.  It's strange what a picture can do.  But I guess it makes sense since I spent so many hours pouring out my soul onto that screen while she was still alive inside me.  Many of you first began walking this journey with me to that screen and the I Will Carry You song. (I think I'm going to switch it after I right this)  I spent so many moments staring at the dandelion at the top and thinking about how her life was seeding everywhere... in places I have yet to know.

I miss her so much and as her 18 month anniversary approaches, there is a part of me that would do anything to be back there - when she felt closer, even if it hurt more then or was harder.  I hate getting further away.... I miss my little girl.

So, I'd like to draw your attention to a new 'interactive' part of my blog :o)  I added this for a little fun and also because I think it will encourage others too.  I can see on my end how many people view each post, but I thought that if you all could see how my posts were affecting people - without everyone needing to leave a comment - that it might be kind of nice.  So - at the bottom of each post there is now a "Input?" section... Just click on your response (multiple choice!) after you read each post if you could!  And please contact me if it's not working properly.  I'm sorry, I tried to put a "I'm about to send you a mean e-mail" option, but there wasn't enough space. haha. :o)  Oh well, I guess we'll have to skip those from now on!!  Shucks.

Thanks & Love,
Stacy & Rachel ♥

Does This Hurt?

At the retreat, My friend Naomi's baby girl found her voice - and she looked right at me and squealed.  I'm not kidding, I felt LOVED :o)  I think she likes me!  Apparently she hadn't done that before and hasn't really since.

At the next meal time, her Mama came over to me and asked me if that was hard for me watching her baby.  I thought for a second and told her it hadn't been... but I honestly was really humbled that she cared enough to ask.  To not be afraid that she might be bringing up something that would hurt and just see where I was at.  She took a risk in order to have a chance to show she isn't unaware of the things that could hurt and to know my heart more.  And the truth was, I had asked myself the same thing when I caught myself smiling at her little girl... 

"Does this hurt?"

It didn't 'hurt' right then, but I definitely thought of Rachel... I'm thankful that I am still able to rejoice with others even in my loss. That has been the case since the beginning and is straight from God.  I was also very grateful that I wasn't the only one thinking of her...

All weekend long as I sat in the sessions with Asa - I was holding him and loving him and I could not stop worrying that someone in the room might be struggling with infertility or having just lost a baby and that me & my baby could possibly be hurting them.  I felt the same way leaving the hospital with him.  What if someone else is leaving empty handed today and sees me??   I can't love him any less or kiss him any less or play with him any less over it - and I've never expected anyone else to do that for me either... but I won't lie, it was so encouraging to know that I'm not the only one worrying or considering how my healthy baby might affect someone else. 

And you know, some days it might hurt.  Some days it might not.  I will probably always look at other little baby girls (hopefully some day my own) and wonder if it hurts.  But the fact that I have to 'check in' with my heart tells me something amazing.... it won't always hurt so bad. Because there was a day when I couldn't imagine it not hurting for even a minute.  And it wasn't that long ago.

I thank God, my Healer, for mending my broken heart a little at a time - and although I know I will never be the same as I was (nor do I want to be), I can see a shimmer of hope that healing is happening, even when I can't see it.

She's Known

After our meeting for Rachel's Race yesterday, Nicole and I went to Dover and hung a bunch of posters...I had to use the time when Matt could watch the kids so I could get stuff done.  At one of the stores, the lady looked at the poster and said "Did you have a yard sale for this baby?" referring to the one we had to raise money for her playground.  I felt like a bit of an over achiever when I said "yes, for the playground we built for her" since I was in there to advertise about a race for her.... but they didn't seem to think that  and they hung the sign so it's all good. I on the other hand, walked out and started crying.

I said to Nicole... "I should just be happy that people know her...  but I just hate it"

I am glad she is known - but I'd rather have her here and unknown.

My Biggest Strengths are My Biggest Weaknesses

I've been pondering my post about the retreat I went on last weekend.  I have an idea of what I want to share, but the words haven't come to me... the problem being this is what happened last year and I never shared about the weekend cause too much time passes and then I forget.  So, here I go....

First of all, my sister (Meg) came with me again this year.  To some, that might not sound like a big deal... but it is.  For a number of reasons.  If this was the only good thing that happened to me all weekend, that would have been good enough for me... but there was more...

The weather was beautiful.  In the 7 years I've been going on this retreat, it's only ever been sunny 1 other time.  It usually rains all weekend. 

I got some alone time with Asa.  And some alone time without Asa... Matt came and picked him up for the afternoon on Saturday so I could have some time without worrying about what he needed.  We went for a ride with my friends Sue & Belinda with the top down to the next town and sat on the dock.  It was SO relaxing.  Me & Meg finally got some updated pictures together and had fun doing it...

I also had lots of moments of memories - ones that hurt, yet at the same time helped me to see the healing that has come to my heart in the last year.  Two years ago, I was asked to share my testimony at the woman's retreat.  The message of that weekend was 'Hope' and based on the Romans 5 verses that I used to get through my pregnancy with Rachel.  I had just found out I was pregnant with her and was pretty sick that weekend - so that is where I shared with everyone that I was expecting again.  I looked down at my name tag this year and it still had the Hope sticker on it from that year... made Rachel feel a little closer.

Last year I went and cried all weekend long.  I was in so much pain I could hardly take it.  I was pregnant with Asa, but had no desire to bring any attention to that.  But it seemed that's all anyone wanted to talk about and I was DYING to talk about Rachel, but nobody wanted to.... I endured many "you've got to focus on the positive" lectures and I just wanted to crawl out of my skin - and far away from the retreat.

But this year, I felt free to talk about her, free to love Asa without anyone assuming he was a good replacement, free to cry and free to smile.... for the first time in a long time without feeling like I was being sized up or judged.  I *really* needed that.  I smiled, I laughed, I cried, grieved, and I missed her... like I do every day - but something felt different - and maybe that is just because people don't think I do smile or laugh (and last year I wasn't ready to and they didn't understand) so they didn't feel the need to force their 'silver lining' on me anymore??  I don't know, but part of me doesn't care.  I'm just glad it felt better.

The thing I have really been wanting to share is that on Saturday, we did this exercise where we took pieces of frayed fabric and marked them with what they were calling "non-negotiable" - basically something about us or our personalities that could be considered a strength if used properly or a weakness if used poorly.  Then we made them into bracelets to wear.

It was not a new idea for me.  I've often said that my biggest strengths are also my biggest weaknesses... but I've never related that to my journey with Rachel.  We were supposed to pick 3 so we could braid them.  I wrote down the things that came to mind.... perfectionist, sensitive, and grief.  They are all part of who I am today.  But I couldn't help but wish that they never had a negative effect in my life.  Or on the legacy that I am trying to leave for my girl.

And so I resolved to be mindful of how these very things that God gave me as a way to glorify Him could also be a way that Satan works against me.  Wanting to have everything 'perfect' is good if we're talking attention to detail... not so good when it comes to going with the flow (or accepting God has a different plan than mine).  Being sensitive is good when it comes to being there for other people, showing compassion and love... not so good when I replay a hurtful comment over and over in my head.  Grief (or the pain that comes with it) can be a good thing if I let it drive me closer to God and to do greater things in her memory... not so good if I allow it to pull me from God or lose sight of the eternal Hope I have in Him.

And so while we were doing the exercise, we had talked about how these things really were not 'non-negotiable' and joked that they should be called 'negotiable' because we all have a choice... but what I realized is that these things are non-negotiable - it's how I use them that is negotiable... 

So I made another bracelet for Rachel.  I wore it for a few days to all the places I go... during worship, work, home, in the van, in my yard....

Ironically, Rachel's is the one less frayed.....

Then I brought one to Rachel and left it there for her.  And when I did, I recommitted myself to her legacy and God's glory.... to use the parts of my character - that God put in me for a purpose - in ways that would make her and our God proud.  He made me strong, determined, loyal - and even a sensitive, grieving perfectionist. (you may call this your 'strong-willed child'- look out!!) All of these things can be used for His eternal purposes and I am determined to do that.  For God, for Rachel... even for me.

 
So I will keep going through my pain....continually surrendering my will for His... and my life for hers.  I'm honored to be able to - and I know I'm not alone as I learn how to die to self... to become more like Him... trusting in His plan and waiting on eternity.  He is still catching every tear.

A Complicated Yard Sale

We had a last minute yard sale today to try to make a little money.  I told Des that whatever she sold, she could keep the money for.  She had this really cute little baby bed and highchair set that we bought her when she decided to give up Barbies (I know, I say it like it's an addiction, but have you seen the toy isle?  I was REALLY proud of her)  So, I never wanted to get rid of these doll toys.  I wanted to save them... and I was saving them for Rachel....  But I decided it didn't make any sense to hold onto them anymore.

Everyone who came was looking at them.  I was inside getting a cup of coffee when I heard someone talking to her about them.  I looked out and saw the lady peek past them, over the top of our fence and into my garden, where Rachel's bench was.  And then I heard it....

"Oh, you're Rachel's dad?!"

I went out, delivering Matt his breakfast, and she said "I was one of the many people praying for your family."

Every time, including this one, that I have thought about this today, I have cried.  The tears start out as a ones of a proud mama.... I actually said out loud today "I did it pretty girl, you're known"  That's all I ever wanted was for her to be known... not overlooked... not forgotten.  And it's happened.  People know her and love her.

But then my tears turn to sadness....

Isaiah kept asking to sell things and I kept saying no, we have to save that for Asa or for Sam.  He argued "But Desirae gets to sell stuff!"  And in that moment, it hit me... she could only sell it because she has nobody to pass it down to.

The girl who ended up buying it was here with her little girl who was turning 2 tomorrow (she was wearing a ballerina outfit - tu-tu an all! - no joke) and the little girl was in love with it.  $7 changed her world and revealed the empty spot in mine.

So, I had to let it go with another little dancer instead of keeping it for mine.  And as I did, I cried.  I remembered the day I moved that to the attic to 'save it in case we had a girl' and I reminded Des about how she had made the choice to dump Barbie and how proud I was of her.... and that made me cry too.  And as she ran inside with her money, I smiled knowing that neither one of my girls was sad to let those toys go.  Yet cried as I realized how fast Des is growing and how much I'm missing with Rachel.

The next person pulled up and asked "Are all of these kids yours?"  Matt said yes and he said "We have another little girl named Rachel too."  He said "Oh WOW."  and Matt said "She's as happy as can be."

That guy left without knowing she died.  But that's just a minor detail compared to the fact that we have a little girl named Rachel who is alive and is happy as can be. 

And these are the times when I realize how complicated everything is.....even a yard sale.

I'm a Mama ♥

10 years ago today, my life changed forever....

I found out I was a mother.

I woke up at 23 years old at 6am to a corrections officer kicking the bottom of my bunk and yelling "Macomber, wake up call!"  I rolled out of bed, got dressed, brushed my teeth with my half-sized tooth brush and combed my hair.  I signed out for work release and drove to work, feeling nauseous the whole way.  I called my lawyer on the way and told the receptionist that I needed a pregnancy test but the jail wouldn't give me one.  She went and bought me one and dropped it off at my work.  Wearing my Dunkin Donuts uniform, I stood in the dirty public bathroom on my break.  I had taken tests before I went to jail in hopes that I would have something to be happy about... but there was always a missing line.

Until that moment.  Immediately I had two lines.  I stood there smiling like a deer in the headlights.  I looked at myself in the mirror and knew I would never be the same.  I tucked the test in my pocket and went back to work.

I was a mom and I loved it already.  To this day, that test remains in a drawer upstairs... with a new one for each baby, numbered accordingly.

I wasn't supposed to have contact with anyone or stop anywhere else while I was out for work, so I had to go back to jail that afternoon and keep my secret to myself.  The joy was so intense I wanted to die not being able to tell anyone.

I took my chances and sitting next to an officer who monitored calls, I called my parents and then Matt.  Collect.  From jail.  "I'm pregnant" I whispered.  I remember telling Matt's mom and saying "I hope it looks just like Matt" - and did she ever. 

That day I traded all my cigarettes for other people's crackers with peanut butter and other snacks and never touched one again.  (10 years!) Desirae gave me a reason to live... a reason to do a lot of things - and to NOT do a lot of things.

And since that day, I have cherished being a mom.  I've taken the role seriously and loved fiercely.  I have never, not once, wished I wasn't.  Each and every time I've been blessed beyond measure to accept the title to a new baby.  Mama.  That's what I am.  And I love it.  Thank You Lord.

Yesterday at our appointment, Isaiah was 43 inches tall and weighed in at 43 pounds.  And this morning, I found myself reading Isaiah 43. (v.1-7)  His promises are another treasure I cherish....

But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.

For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I gave Egypt for your ransom,
Ethiopia and Seba in your place.

Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored,
And I have loved you;
Therefore I will give men for you,
And people for your life.

 Fear not, for I am with you;
I will bring your descendants from the east,
And gather you from the west;

I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’
Bring My sons from afar,
And My daughters from the ends of the earth—

Everyone who is called by My name,
Whom I have created for My glory;
I have formed him, yes, I have made him.”

Still Waiting....

This is what I saw at the Deli yesterday while grocery shopping.... every detail of my day had to line up "just so" in order for me to be standing in this place at this time.... 

And I suppose it doesn't actually mean anything....

It wasn't my number... it was hers... He called us out of order - and I'm still waiting.

Waiting to see her, hold her, touch her, tell her I love her again...

Someday.

Setting a Goal

I've been posting on facebook forgetting that not everyone here sees that... 

So, I've set a goal to have 43 people signed up for Rachel's Race by her 18 month birthday.  Which is June 3, just 12 days away.  I had set it the day after her 17 month birthday, and already have 14 people signed up!  THANK YOU!!!  14 doesn't sound like a lot, but last year at this time I had not even started planning yet, so I think this is a good start.  But in case I sound like I'm begging (which I kinda am!) let me tell you why I've done this - there are a few reasons... 

1. Because I'm a goal setter.  I've set a goal of 300 participants for race day and we're just 2 months away at this point.  I actually hate sharing my goals because if I don't meet them I feel like a failure, but last year my unspoken goal was 200 and we were just under that - It seemed unrealistic for our first race, but if you don't aim high, you never reach it - so I'm praying that God will bring the people!!  I also have to just say that my financial goal last year was to be able to donate $4300 - but after all our expenses, we were able to donate over $9,200!  I was blown away and still am.  But I'll admit, I'm a little fearful that this year people will have moved past Rachel's story and that will show on the day of the race.  I'm trying to let God be God, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about what that would do to my heart.  I'm a goal setter, not a risk taker, and with Rachel the two usually go hand in hand which stretches me more than I like. *sigh*


2. Because we didn't hold on to any funds from last years' race as we should have and we need income in order to purchase things as we approach event day.  Early registration and sponsors is how we do this.

3. Because it gives me something else to focus on besides the fact that her 18 month birthday is coming, which is a very hard one for me for multiple reasons - not the least of which is that it's my favorite age ever and I bet she would have been so cute toddling around.  But in addition to that, it's just so hard to know that so much time has gone by without her - it feels like it's been forever and yet was just yesterday.  As soon as I felt my heart stinging at the idea of this anniversary coming, I set my goal... some will say it's bad I 'throw myself into other things' - I say what's the other option?  Sit around and cry in fetal position?  I'd like to do the latter, but what good does that do anyone?  Believe me, setting goals and working towards them and 'throwing myself into things' to distract myself does not keep me from feeling... it's not my way to avoid, it's a way to turn something very difficult that makes me cry into something very difficult that makes me cry - and smile too.

So, if you are planning on coming and are able, would you consider signing up early to help me meet the goal for her birthday?  I know planning ahead is risky in case something else comes up - and I've never had to do it, but I'm sure there is a way to get a refund if you needed to....

CLICK HERE to see the race website - the current sponsors, the race info (including course map - walkers have a different one), how to register or donate, how to register a baby you lost to be recognized (free and you can do this even if you aren't coming), and even the sponsors and race winners from last year.

The next 29 people to sign up will get a little gift from me in the mail! :o)  I'll keep you posted on how it's coming!

The Valley of the Shadow of Death

The publisher has been calling here... they told me months ago they would check in in May to see how I was coming along with my book.  I've been avoiding the calls because I'm failing miserably at writing my book. 


I decided I would read some of my old posts to help set the tone for me to get back to writing.  And to be completely honest, I'm ashamed and confused. 

I wasn't faking it and I seemed to be so full of faith and trust and hope.  I feel like it was someone else writing....and it was. What happened to me??

I know part of it was my drive to share Rachel and God with others - In my protective Mama way, I was making sure people didn't pity me for having a girl like my Rachel.  I didn't want anyone to think of her as a problem... but as a beautiful gift.  And in the middle of the trial...or what I, at that point, thought was the 'middle'... I focused all my energy on showing people who my God is.  These things gave me purpose.  And that purpose got me through.

And so what about now?  Well, I don't really have an excuse good enough.  All I can do is share my heart again.....


This is way harder than I ever expected it would be, even while carrying her.  The pain has lasted way longer than I ever thought it would.  I've gotten much less long term support than I thought I'd get from people closest.  I've had to defend myself way more that I had hoped.  I guess I fell for the lie that grief doesn't last long and then you go back to your 'old life' with just a little new bit of history... "I lost a baby once". 


I guess I thought that God would stay just as close and continue to carry me.  And I'm not denying that He is still with me, but if you've ever had a serious trial, you probably know what I mean when I say the closeness of God in that valley was like nothing I had ever experienced before.  He was so real and so present that every moment of the day I was overflowing with joy from His provision.  It was still terribly hard, but I never felt alone.

And so as I continue to walk this road, it's hard to not get a little upset with Him that He seemingly has moved on just like everyone else. 

I never would have believed while I was pregnant with Rachel that I would ever feel so much anger over this situation.  If you told me that I was going to struggle like I do at times, I would have said no way... why?  Because that was what happened to other people... the 'other people' who didn't rely on God as much.  And that wouldn't ever be me.  So there you have it, I'm judgemental too.  And maybe I'm being taught my lesson...  Because here I am... angry, disappointed, and even bitter at times.... and I struggle to be positive when it comes to Rachel.  I struggle to find that silver lining that used to come so automatically.  And at the same time, even though I used to think the same thing in my pride, I get extremely hurt by the people who think they'd do such a better job if in my situation. 

What I'm discovering is that the valley of the shadow of death is darker and deeper than I ever imagined - and for as much as I grieved while I was pregnant, I had no idea what I was in for when she was actually gone.  And it's lonely too because I'm guessing I'm not the only one who likes reading my posts from last August more than my recent ones.  People don't like heavy and they prefer to ignore hard feelings.  I have a lot of blog readers who really do love me and support me (even if just in their hearts and I'm happy with even that), but in all my life I never imagined I would get hate mail.... and as my sister so kindly pointed out to me last night, I said it doesn't bother me, but it sure sounds like it does.  I guess my definition of 'bother' has been reduced to one where I have a physical reaction to it.  And since my blood pressure didn't rise, I didn't cry and I didn't want to puke, I thought that was good. 
I got an email yesterday that said this:

"THANK YOU for putting into words what so many broken hearted moms are feeling but don't think they can really say.

I don't have words that will fix the pain or make you feel better- but I'll share some words that were given to me once. They've changed how I see a lot of things.

...the pain will go away when God has used up every single ounce of it for His purpose. The pain sucks- but it's not in vain. He promises that He will turn every tear into something good. That's so hard to imagine. So hard to even want. So hard to understand. But so true. He desires to take your tears and heartache and use it."

And so today, I'm begging God to break down the shell I've formed around my heart - in an attempt to protect it from pain that, ultimately, I can't escape - and allow me to continue to FEEL my way through this.  No matter what anyone thinks about my tears.  No matter how I'm judged.   No matter if I've gone into 'overtime' with my grief according to someone else.  I'm begging Him to help me to not care about useless opinions and harsh words.  I'm asking him to use every tear for His purpose, to help me continue to be driven by my pain to positive things.  That my heartache will not be in vain, but used for His eternal purposes.  I'm pleading that He makes Himself real to me and reminds me of the beauty that Rachel's life brought into mine.  And not because anyone else thinks it's 'about time' but because that's what I want for her legacy. 

Someone sent me a link to a blog the other day that described grief as the 'realization of what you're missing' - that is going to happen to me every day for the rest of my life because she was my child.  That is the exact reason losing a child is so different from other losses....every day you realize another thing you're missing.  You don't grow past that with a child's death because with your child, there is always something new that 'should be happening now' well into when they would have been adults.  And as each of my other children grow and do new things... sit up, learn to ride a bike, tie their shoes, win drawing contests (Go, Des!), get married, have children, come to my house for Thanksgiving.... I will always know there is a little girl in heaven I didn't get to watch grow.  I will always wonder what she would have been like and how much joy I'm missing without her.  I'm happy for her, but it's hard for me.

In Deb's recent email she told me that she could "understand why my family was growing weary of me holding on to my tragedy for dear life" - and out of every mean thing she said to me, that was the only one on my mind the next day.  I wondered if it was because there is truth to that... that maybe I am holding on to my 'tradegy' and not letting go when I 'should be'.  But here's why that *really* bothers me... because I wonder if my family really feels that way.  At first glance, I thought she was crazy to suggest such a thing, just like the rest of her email.   But are they?   Do they view me this way?   I already know some 'friends' are... I've gotten the 'concerned' emails from people who never bother to check in or call otherwise.  But with our families, I'm not sure - because nobody talks of her.  And when I do or Matt does, the other end of the line is usually silent.  Have I misinterpreted the silence?  Or is she wrong on that one too?  I just don't know.

And I guess that is the last thing I ever expected to  happen along this journey.  I never thought that people who love me and loved Rachel would ever be confused as to why this pain lasts. And I never thought I'd have to wonder if they were tired of hearing about her...if they'd prefer I stopped talking about her.  I guess I never saw the negative spin on it of holding onto my 'tragedy'  - I thought I was holding onto Rachel.  And she isn't a tragedy. 

But maybe everyone else is ready to step out of the valley but me.  Maybe the shadow of death feels different for them. It would have to be, she grew in me and I gave birth to her.  Nobody else could love her like I do if they wanted to.  Maybe I should just learn to be okay with that.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell^[a] in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Pastor Dave told me this Psalm was one that my Uncle Dale found comfort in during the last days of his life.  It's also one of the reasons Asa is named Asa - it means God Restores - and they read it in church the day we decided on his name.  This journey has shown me a pain that exists on earth that I didn't know before.

Someday.... not here, but there....  He will completely restore my soul.  I love my life and I love each one of the blessings I have here - And I have no desire to leave this earth, yet at the same time I have so much to look forward to in heaven.  I've quoted the Blessings song before, but this reminds me of the line that says:

"What if the pain of this life is a revealing of the greater things this world can't satisfy"

And so that's where I'm at.  I wish I felt different, but I don't.  And I am confident that contrary to popular belief, God can and will use even this.  I am certain that as I continue to seek His face in this valley, He WILL BE with me.  And one day, when I see His face and hers... I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever and the shadow of death with be turned into light.  I take great comfort that she is already out of the shadow....and dancing in His light forever.

just saw this on facebook - it went perfect with this post ♥ Thank you Lord....

Mother's Day Weekend Recap

Friday when I pulled into the cemetery, there were so many gifts on Rachel's grave, I could see the mass of things from the road.  I was so blessed - and not by the material things - although they were perfect, but by the knowing that there were others there at her spot.  That others were thinking of her and wanting to bless my heart.  I'm so thankful. 

There were daisies (with a rose), a note 'from Rachel', a ballet shoe (now hanging in my car), a butterfly wind spinner, a pot of tulips, and a HUGE balloon - PLUS a couple of caramellos :o)  Me & the kids ate one and I left one with a daisy for Rachel... afterall, she was the one who loved caramel... I just ate it for her :o)

Saturday, I took the day off from work.  First we stopped at Rachel's Playground to play and hang another sign.  It was sunny and warm out.  I sat on the bench and enjoyed her playground for once. We weren't there long, but a fellow baby loss mama who follows my blog was there with her family to play at the same time.  We hugged before I left and although we only talked briefly, that hug was so needed...  God's timing is perfect.

Then we all went to the greenhouse to get some stuff for my garden and something new for Rachel's grave now that it's warm enough for real plants to survive outside.  I've had a couple gift cards I've been saving for the perfect time (one from after she died and one the MOPS group that I spoke at a while back gave me as a gift) and so we went shopping....

We found some annuals we liked, but couldn't decide on the color.  We were leaning towards the pink ones - until Des yelled "The orange ones are called Rachel!"  We looked, and sure enough... "Rachel" was their name - and that decided it.  I got 5 of them, one for each of the kids.  Seriously, have you ever seen anything like that?  It's crazy the things that happen.

Sunday morning, there was a mother's day 5K going on and I had told the kids that what I wanted for Mother's Day was for them to help me hand out fliers for Rachel's Race at this 5K.  I thought it was at the same location as Rachel's - so when we pulled up and there were no cars, I was bummed.  I *really* wanted to do this - not to mention we left the house by 8am to... We ended up at Rachel's grave, where I found a gift from my mom (a bouquet that matched the one I had put together the night before at my house) and a card.  This is where I had my first good cry of the day.... My mom had written something in the card about hoping I would see "Godwinks" throughout my day.  That is a word that my friend Melissa uses often on her blog and butterflies are a big 'Godwink' for her with her daughter Amelia...  well, no sooner did I read that word and there were little butterflies dancing around Rachel's stone.  I stood there and cried.  It was one of those moments where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that our babies are not dead.  There is new life in Christ. 

We left and went to find the race and managed to give out about 100 fliers.  Pray that it will bring participants!  We did all this by 9am!  Not exactly a day of relaxation, but it was what I needed on Mother's Day.

Then we went to church - normally I go to both services.  I go to first with the kids to meet my friend Becky there while Matt teaches Children's Church and then go to second with him.  I dropped him off and decided to go home until second service, which turned out to be God's provision.  They were doing a baby dedication during 1st service.  That would have put me over the top since one of the VERY FEW regrets I have about Rachel is that I wanted to do a dedication while I was pregnant with her and a couple people said it would make people uncomfortable so I didn't.  I've always regretted that and every time I have to watch a dedication, I get really sad about it.  This is why I still haven't had Asa dedicated.... I just can't do it.  It's okay cause the Lord knows I know who He belongs to.  I'm working my way towards the outward expression of that.  When I got back, then came the second good cry of the day.... the song was the same one I blogged about on Ash Wednesday.... but the verses that got me this time say:

All the weak; find their strength; at the sound of your great name
Hungry souls; receive grace; at the sound of your great name

The fatherless; they find their rest; at the sound of your great name
Sick are healed; and the dead are raised; at the sound of your great name

Jesus, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man
You are high and lifted up; that all the world will praise your great name

Redeemer, My Healer, Almighty
My savior, Defender, You are My King

I just kept hearing the same thing from God all day long... she's not dead.  It's hard to believe since what I understand of 'life' is here, on earth.  I can read all about heaven and hope in that promise, but to be completely honest, it feels impossible to me sometimes.  But for a God who some call 'intangible', He sure finds ways to help me feel His presence.  I felt it that day.

We went to my grandfather's for his birthday party and then back to the cemetery to bring Rachel her new flowers. The lilacs on the bush behind her stone bloomed on Mother's Day too. I have actually never seen lilacs this color.  They aren't purple and they aren't white... they almost look pinkish.  Maybe I've never looked at white ones close enough?  But it's a new bush and this is the first time it's bloomed since they put it in.  Matt helped me get her spot cleaned up and it looks pretty good.  We took a Mother's Day photo with Rachel's stone. 

There are times when the reality hits me.... my baby's body is under where we are sitting.  I mean, directly under.  It's just not right.  And at the same time, the fact that she is there with us in this photo makes me feel better.  It's so hard to explain.  To some, I don't have to. 

We went to visit my mom and celebrate my grandpa's 83 birthday.  Ate entirely way too much gluten and sugar and then went home to work in my garden.

Our neighbors gave us a ton of soil to use and we got the 'Rachel' plants in the ground.  Matt & the kids gave me a "Hope" garden decoration with sparrows on it so that was my finishing touch.  I stepped back and looked at it, a little discouraged with the fact that my garden's main purpose these days is to help me memorialize my daughter.  It looks beautiful and I can't wait to see how it blooms, but I'm just so sad that she isn't here. 

That angel is the first gift every left at Rachel's grave.  (thanks Donna) with her "Rachel" flower.

Right after I came inside, it started pouring... but there was a (heart shaped) hole in the clouds where I could see the sun... and I knew - there must be a rainbow somewhere.  Seemed the perfect ending considering the post I wrote that morning about rainbows....

So, that's the run down of my 2nd Mother's Day without Rachel.... I've been sitting on this post for a few days because I was hoping to add some thoughts or feelings to it...  but I think what I've come up with is that I survived it.

2 years ago on Mother's Day I announced to our families that I was pregnant again - that was with my girl.  We didn't get the best response, but I didn't care.  I was thrilled to be adding another baby to our family.  Last Mother's Day we had the grand opening for her playground.  Everyone thought it was such a 'good gift' for me for Mother's day, not understanding I didn't want a playground, I wanted her.  This year on Mother's Day, I felt more supported than I have in the last couple of years.  I had more blessings over the weekend than I usually get....and I am so grateful. 

I cried a couple times, pretty hard... but sadness wasn't the overall feel of my day.  My kids made me cards and I got a few cards "from Rachel" which I loved.  My favorite was from my sister - it had daisies and said "Thank you to the one who had to do it all....from the one you did it all for" and her daughter signed it from Rachel.  Every time Sam walked by me he waved and smiled and said "Happy mudders day Mama!" 

They were excited to celebrate me and I was excited to celebrate them.  After all, they are what makes me a mother.... Rachel included.

"Perfect"

I 'interviewed' a new piano teacher for Desirae yesterday.  She came to the house to test her knowledge of music and to meet us.  As she sat in my living room, she asked how old Asa was.  I told her 6 months and she looked up on the wall and said "And I see you spent time in the NICU with him?"

I looked up confused and saw she was talking about Rachel.  We have a big picture of the one of us all on the hospital bed on the wall.  You can tell by all the wires around us and my hospital gown that we're not posing for the usual family photo - and who posts hospital pictures that big on a wall unless there is reason for it? 

I said "Oh, that's not Asa, that's Rachel.  She is my daughter who passed away."  And I waited for the common awkward silence that always follows... I told her she would be almost 18 months old but had anencephaly and she seemed to have heard of it before.  Not many people have so it was nice to not have to explain.  I didn't even get into the fact that Asa had NICU at birth too... he was bouncing on my lap so it seemed unimportant - although looking back, very traumatic after losing Rachel.

"I asked because we're a NICU family" she said. "My son's alive, but we spent 3 months in the NICU when he was born.  He's 11 now.  He can't walk or talk, but he's really cute." 

I don't even know this woman and I felt so proud of her - and honestly, I was honored to have someone in my house who cherished life like that - who could see beyond what so many see as a problem and love her child like God does.  The dedication and perseverance it takes to raise a child in a wheel chair that seemingly has nothing to give is a beautiful and rare thing.  And I bet he is such a blessing.

I told her Rachel lived for 43 minutes.  She looked at the picture and said "And that was one of them... how special you all got to be with her."

I nodded, proving you don't have to speak a word to tell a lie. 

I figured telling her she was dead in that photo would be a little strange... especially since we're all smiling....  I wish we left the NICU with our little girl.  Leaving there without her was one of the most difficult moments of my life.  She couldn't walk or talk, but she was really cute.  I would take her in whatever condition she was in to be able to raise her still.

Some people don't get that.  Some people are only interested in a baby who will blend in with the rest of the world, be able to play sports and do well in college.  But after you've experienced the loss of a child, you come to realize what's important... and that's not it.  Immediately following Rachel's scan when we knew something was wrong, but didn't know she was going to die, the first thing I said to Matt was "I don't care what's wrong with her, I just don't want her to die."

And I meant it.  My idea of perfect changed before I even knew she was going to die.  And it will never be the same.  To me, when this woman said her son couldn't walk or talk, but he was alive... I didn't hear 'disability' I heard 'perfect'.  And I have to admit, I was a little jealous.

I'd give anything... do anything... endure anything... for just one more day with my perfect little girl.

6 Months Dead and Alive

The day before Rachel's 6 month birthday, I went to the greenhouse to buy plants for a garden I was planning to put in at her memorial playground - filled with determination to not let my sorrow overcome me, I did the only thing I could think of to do for her.

The day before Asa's 6 month birthday, I played with him on my lap, listened to him laugh, smiled at him, and held his hands.  Filled with the joy and excitement of watching my baby grow, I didn't have to come up with some other way to nurture him... I got to do it for real.

On Rachel's 6 month birthday, I stood alone in the parking lot of my church wearing a Team Rachel shirt, 4 months pregnant with Asa, fighting with the hard ground, lifting bags of soil, sweating like crazy, and working hard to plant some flowers in her memory.

Today, on Asa's 6 month birthday, I fed him bananas for the first time.  He got covered, I got covered, his seat got covered.  I took pictures. We all laughed and gathered around as we watched another milestone come and go.  He held on to my wrist and grabbed at the spoon.

The simple life. 

I looked at the pictures after and when I saw his hand holding onto my wrist where Rachel's hand print is.... I couldn't help but wish that I could feel her hold on to me too. 

I can't believe 6 months have gone by since we welcomed this sweet baby boy into our home.  He's growing faster than I would like - and every day he amazes me more... and makes me miss her a little more too.  He's just 2 weeks behind where she would have been at this time last year.  It's hard not to wonder about the might-have-been's. 

I'm so thankful I get to watch him grow.  I'm thankful for smiles, laughter, chubby legs, cuddling, experiencing life with him.  But I'm also thankful for sleepless nights, poopy blowouts, spit up on my new or clean shirts and inconveniences.  I'm thankful for the every day struggles... having to bounce a crying baby, teething, gas and boredom that keep him needing me...  because when I look across the room and see him smile at me with a twinkle in his eyes, instead of looking over to see a memory box.... well, to say it makes it all worth it would be a serious understatement.  It makes me long for the bad with the good. 

As I was writing this post Asa started crying - I got up and picked him up and started dancing with him to the song on the radio... "I love the way you love me" and cried.  He put his chubby cheek to mine and just hugged me. 

I can feel her anniversary coming already.... It's as if my heart can tell time.  Why is this so hard? 

Getting Back Up

When I met Matt he was training to box.  I went to his first fight and (felt like I was going to puke the whole time) was thankful that he knocked the guy out in the first round.  I could not have handled watching him get hit or even hitting someone else for much longer than that.  The newspaper called him the "Berlin Bomber" (he's from Berlin) and said he threw a punch with conviction :o)  Yes, I'm bragging.  


We've started watching the old Rocky movies together.  Last night we were on Rocky 2, where the "Italian Stallion" has a re-match against the same guy he fought in the first one, "Apollo Creed".  At the beginning of the fight, Apollo is in one corner bouncing around all cocky telling Rocky he is finished and Rocky is on his knees in his corner praying.  They go 15 rounds, just like the first movie and at the end of the last round, they BOTH fall down at the same time.  Then in slow motion, you watch (and if you're like me, you feel like you want to puke and your entire body is tense... you may also be yelling "get up Rocky!" as if he can hear you... maybe it's just me...) while they both pull on the ropes and try to pull themselves up.  They are bloody, beaten and totally exhausted... but they have to stand up to win.  Their entire lives depend on this moment...

So, here's the thing... After our story was in the Focus on the Family magazine, I was contacted by a woman who has also lost two babies. Originally, she just contacted me because she had questions about how to start a perinatal hospice program - but God is so good to me, because we became fast friends and have emailed regularly since. And this happened at at time when I was in need of friendship from someone who gets it.   Through sharing her own experience, she is challenging me to continue to fight for my girl and our God.

I had mentioned that I was thinking that maybe blogging wasn't a good idea for me anymore - that maybe the backlash I get from it isn't worth it  - and how bad I felt that I had blogged all this negative stuff at the same time they put my blog address in the magazine.  Her response was that if I want to stop at some point, then do, but not now in a time when I am in a hard spot in my faith.  She said to keep blogging and share how God is helping me through this.... even if it's a tiny bit at a time.  To not let Satan win.  She promised to pray for me through this and suggested I ask others to as well.  She also said that she's been reading thru my blog and sees the beauty in my journey - which I really needed to be reminded of, since at this point people seem to focus on the hard things I go thru now and usually just think I'm a mess - which sometimes I am...shouldn't I be entitled to that once in a while? 

And I know it might sound funny, but at the end of the fight, when Rocky pulled himself to his feet and yelled "Yo, Adrian, I did it!"  That's right, he won! I was reminded that winning the fight doesn't mean you never get knocked down...  sometimes it's the getting back up that does it.  He started on his knees and ended on his feet - Apollo started on his feet and ended on his face.

So, I've gone a few rounds with the father of lies... I've been beaten down....I'm exhausted - and it's no surprise it happened at a time when our story was going to glorify God in a magazine. 

But I refuse to stay down.  I'm getting back up.  My life depends on it.

Greater is He who is in me then he who is in the world (1John 4:4)

I know I've blogged this video before, but it came to mind tonight...  Please, if you see (read) me starting to struggle, instead of calling in the troops on me and trying to have an intervention or something, can you try just giving me a hug and *really* praying for me... I mean like not saying you will and then not, but actually praying against satan's advances in my life?  I am obviously vulnerable and a good target since I have reason to be upset as it is and so many people (believers and unbelievers) are watching my every move.  I need your prayer, not your judgement... please....

Don't sit on the sideline and critique how bloody I am.  Pray for me and cheer me on....I am going to get knocked down sometimes.

But, I will rise to my feet again.  With God's help, I will.  I guess I've always had a little fighter in me.

*pause music player at bottom of blog first*

Mother's Day Hope

Thank you for your prayers... God has been answering. 

I have a lot I want to write - so much has happened this weekend, but will have to do it later - just wanted to share the lyrics to a song that came on the radio when I left Rachel's grave on Friday and right after we got back from there this morning....

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

Today, as hard as it is and as much as I've cried already and can tell it's not done yet - I have already seen God...and been reminded heaven is real - and she's not dead.  Her life lasted exactly as long as it was supposed to.

I wonder if she knows we sang Jesus loves you to her every day in my womb and as we laid her body in the ground..... that is a love song alright, the most beautiful one there is....

To all of my friends celebrating this day without your baby or without your mother - May your hearts be blessed.  The skies hold a rainbow somewhere.....Thinking of you & praying for you.  I'm so thankful to have you in my life.

Love & Hope,

Stacy  (&Rachel ♥)



Thank You

I have received dozens of messages, e-mails, and phone calls after my last couple of posts.  I just don't have it in me to respond to them all individually.  Since I started my blog in Aug. 2010, other than a couple I missed right after I had Asa, I have responded to each and every email I have been blessed to receive.

(side note: After Rachel died, I emailed Angie Smith and got an auto-response that she didn't have time to respond to emails from people and I was hurt, so I vowed to never do that and if you've ever emailed me, you know this to be true)

So, I'm feeling really bad about not getting back to everyone.  I'm hoping that everyone who sent one or called will see this and know that I so appreciate you taking the time to let me know you're thinking of me and that you love Rachel. 

Please pray for me, I can't seem to stop crying.... it's been 3 days like this.  At this point, I can't wait for Mother's Day to just be over.... hopefully that will help.  ?  who knows.