Carrying Rachel's Irish Twin

So here I am.... 32 weeks today.  I feel like I'm ready to go into labor at any moment and I'm 8 weeks away from my due date!  This picture actually makes me look smaller than I am and WAY smaller than I feel.  I'm huge and most people ask if I'm having twins.  I'm going to start telling them that I'm having an Irish Twin, since technically, I am.  Rachel and Asa will be just 11 months apart.

Just for the record, and I've been known to guess correctly :o), I'm shooting for November 11, which is 5 days before my due date.  It's a Friday, which is the perfect day to have a baby... all of my babies, except Isaiah have been born on Fridays and he was a Sunday morning ( I went in on Saturday) - which with him, was the day I was hoping for cause it was just after Thanksgiving and I had leftovers I wanted to eat :o).  So, in case you're laughing at me for trying to plan my date, let me give you my history...

Des was due on January 16.  I guessed the 4th and she came (with help) on Friday the 3rd, 13 days early.
Isaiah was due on Dec. 5, I guessed Nov. 25 and he came on Sunday the 26th, 10 days early. (on his own)
Samuel was due on March 13, I guessed the 6th, and he came on that day - Friday the 6th. (on his own)
Rachel was obviously a planned c-section, which I picked because it made her 37 weeks and 1 day (full term) and it was a Friday.

Now watch, Asa will decide that he doesn't want to come out and come a week late!!  Oh my gosh, PLEASE pray that won't happen!!  I don't have it in me to go that long!   Matt has no vacation time and no sick time left so being in the hospital over the weekend would be a huge blessing.  We have no room for missing hours of pay.

I'm still not sure if I will have another c-section or a VBAC, I'm meeting with my doctor from Rachel's pregnancy up at Maine Med next Wed. to discuss if I'm a candidate for a VBAC.  I hadn't had a c-section before Rachel.  If I have a VBAC, I will have to deliver up there.  If I have a scheduled c-section, I'm not sure if I'll stay where I'm at or switch to there, but I will probably pick the 11th.  It's a Friday and it's also "Remembrance Day", which is my way of including my girl on her brother's day.  Plus who wouldn't love to have 11-11-11 as a birth date? 

Originally, I didn't think I would want to go back to Maine for a delivery, which is why I've changed doctors 3 times already.   The more I think about it though, the more I realize that I'm not afraid to be where Rachel was.  It might be where she died, but it's also where she lived... a very special place in my journey - not something to be feared.  After listening to others' journeys and hearing people not want to return to the same hospital, I just assumed that it would make it harder and that I didn't want to do that.  But the more I pray about it and think about it, the more I realize that there is no getting out of how difficult the emotions will be having another baby after losing my girl.  Whether I'm in Maine, New Hampshire or on an island far away, I'm not going to escape the feelings that come with this - and I don't want to. 

I also think that I might actually find comfort in being around people who met her... who saw with their own eyes how amazing she was...how beautiful she was...how worth the pain she was...how much I love her.  I hate it when I have to try to paint that picture for people who haven't been walking this road with me - especially my doctors.  I love seeing the people who were there that day and knowing that they shared a piece of my life that is irreplaceable.  They hold a special place in my heart and when I have no words to describe the loss I feel, they are the most likely to not need any, because they were there.  It was such a sacred day.  I would give anything to go back to those moments and hold her again.

The things I do think are going to be hard, but will be anywhere, is the first time I hear Asa cry... I will be so relieved, and yet I think it will only show how profound a silent delivery room is.  The moments when I waited to hear her and never did.  When I leave holding a baby in my arms and buckle him into the car... I know I will remember being wheeled out empty handed after having Rachel and seeing the carseat in the trunk, not needed.  When it's time to give him the first bath... I'll remember how unsure I was of myself on how to handle Rachel when I feel like an old pro with a baby who is alive.  The first time I get to nurse him... I'll remember how I grieved not having that with Rachel.  And I'm okay with all of that, but I just know that my heart will ache through it all and I have no idea how to reconcile that with the joy that I will also feel when those things aren't torn from me with Asa. (I hope).

OK, so here is my point of all of this... I need prayer.  I have some very serious medical decisions to make - as I get closer to Asa's birth, I'm getting more emotional about Rachel's - and I am *overly* exhausted.  This morning, I fell into tears because I got tired when I got up to butter Sam's toast.  I sat down and just cried and cried and all I could say was "I'm so tired".  I feel weak, like I should be in a stinkin' wheelchair. (I don't know how I did this with Rachel and the polyhydraminios I had!!)  Poor Des was watching me in silence, not sure what to do.  I had them check my iron cause I feel anemic, and it is low, but not as low as I expected based on how I feel.  I am getting very discouraged with this.  On Sunday, by the time I got into church, I was fighting off tears because I was out of breath and worn out - and our parking lot is flat and small so it's not like I had a big workout getting inside. 

I think it's just been a lot on my body carrying my Irish Twins.  I've been pregnant for a year and a half, with the exception of when I was healing from my c-section - and I'm feeling it.   I've been so thankful for the meals that a couple friends have brought by and know that God will get me through these hard months and help me make the right decisions for me & Asa, but if you could be praying that would be great...

The things I need prayer for are:
That God will continue to lead me in the decisions I make and I will feel confident in what I decide.
For energy to take care of the boys and school Des (and get them out to their activities)
Peace of mind as I get closer to delivery (I'm getting nervous)
A safe delivery for me & Asa
For my heart as I continue to balance the joy of this new baby with the sorrow of losing Rachel... I'm coming up on her first birthday and it's hard.