I Think I'm Having a Baby

I'll start with yesterday....  I had an appt at my regular doctor.  I really like this doctor - he actually thinks for himself and treats me like a real person instead of trying to fit me into his textbook mold.  His final opinion on me having a VBAC was "if you were my sister, I'd tell you to go to Maine and have a VBAC."

I left the room and went to use the bathroom before leaving.  The picture on the wall was of a new baby nursing.  I felt myself get excited to actually be able to nurse my baby this time - and then immediately started crying.  I hate that I missed that with my girl.  I hate that I know that there are no guarantees and that even when everything looks okay, it doesn't mean I'll be able to nurse Asa - or bring him home with me.  My excitement actually led to fear... how could I do this again?  I can't wait to hold this baby and hear him cry.  The thought of that moment is overwhelming.

The drive to Maine was strange.  We drove it once or twice a week for months with Rachel, all the while making sure to not miss a kick or twirl.  I smiled and I cried.  Today was like that with Asa.  It was a long day, I left at 9:20 and didn't get home until almost 3pm.  I smiled and I cried.  I did get to stop on the way home and have lunch with one of my blog readers-turned friends today which was really nice.  God has blessed me with so many friendships through this blog.

So, the decision has been made... It's a "go" for a VBAC and I'll be delivering where I had Rachel.  It was nice to see my Dr from Rachel's pregnancy.   It was such a relief to hear him say that he actually thinks a VBAC is a better choice for me, given my delivery history.  And I have peace about it.  I know that this is a "plan" and that if things aren't going well up to the last second, I may have to have a c-section, but I believe it's worth the try.  

This decision comes with some details that worry me....  I'm going to ask you to pray for some specifics and ask for exacts... I know I run the risk of sounding like I think I can tell God what to do and believe me, that is NOT the case.  I learned over the last year to a whole new degree just how powerless I am - and how perfect His plan is.  But I also know that God tells us to "ask for anything in His name and it will be given to us."  Please pray these things with us:

For the timing of my labor...  Matt has no time off and I have to go to the Hospital the minute I know I'm in labor because of the risk associated with VBAC, I cannot labor at home at all.  The drive is over an hour.  Pray that I will go into labor over the weekend, Friday through Sunday, and that Matt will not need to miss any work and that if he does have to, God will provide for us financially.  If I have to be driven by someone else, that Matt will be able to get up to Maine in good timing.

For a safe delivery for me and for Asa... That my scar from Rachel's c-section will not tear during labor.  That I will have great discernment as my labor progresses as to if I should have an emergency c-section.

For child care to fall into place when it's time and protection for the kids... a major bonus of a section is planning purposes... without knowing when I'll go into labor- and not having time to wait around here - I will need immediate childcare for my 3 children here and with Sam's allergies (and my latest post on how crazy they are!), :o) that is a hard thing to come across.  The kids are also worried about me going to the hospital and have been praying daily for Asa to "come out safely" - pray that they won't be afraid while I'm gone.

For my heart and mind... As I get closer to meeting this sweet baby, my heart hurts for Rachel and is remembering her all the more.  I've found myself getting scared that I might lose him too and crying a lot.  Pray that God would cover me in peace and calm my fears and bring this baby home safely with us.  

For good nurses and doctors... We all know what a difference the people who you're laboring with make in your experience.  Please pray that (here's an exact) I can have Kim for my nurse during labor.  (and Michele at some point while I'm there) There is also a nurse I would rather not have and God knows who that is, so pray she'll be on vacation or something! Also that whoever I get for a doctor, they are supportive and  attentive an if there is a problem at all, they recognize it quickly.

For help in balancing the joy of Asa and the sorrow from Rachel... I'm going to be blunt here.. Asa is not a replacement for Rachel and anyone who treats him as such I will not want to be around - and I'm giving myself permission to make those choices as I need to.  Her birthday is 2 weeks after his due date.  I am already worried about how I will handle people who are glad to move on to my alive baby and stop thinking about my dead baby cause I certainly will not be thinking of her any less - and that is not a reflection of how grateful I am to have him or how much I love him.  I don't have the right answer for this one - or even know what to ask for prayer for - all I can tell you is how I feel and assure you that hormones after Asa's birth are not going to make this feeling any easier to bear.  I guess I would ask that you pray that people are sensitive to this and understanding.  God knows the specific people I'm talking about here too so just pray that He would reveal to them how their lack of concern and love for me where Rachel is concerned hurts me and that He will continue to help me forgive, one disappointment at a time.   

OK, so let's get on to the fun stuff... sorry this is so long!!  I'll try to post my prayer requests along the side like I did with Rachel. 

It was hard to get a good view of my boy today - he's been in the same position every time I've had a scan.  He is head down (good boy!) with his hand in front of his face as usual (which obviously doesn't really look like it does here, that's just the way the machine picked it up) and his other hand was playing with his toes the entire time!  So cute.

♥Asa Francisco Aube ♥



He looks just like the other 4... and has good hair just like they all did too!
But it looks a little SHORTER than Rachel's!! 



kind of  difficult t see, but his fingers are wrapped around his little toes!

Most of the scan was light hearted.  But at one point she was taking measurement after measurement of his heart and not saying anything...  I started to think she was about to tell me he had a heart condition.  It's like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I just sat there in silence - not knowing was easier than running the risk of hearing there was a problem, so I didn't dare to ask.  And apparently there was no problem, she was just being thorough! 

The other hard part was when she measured my fluid.  She told me my fluid was at 14cm, which is perfect.  It should be between 8 and 20.  When I was pregnant with Rachel, at this point in my pregnancy, it measured 44cm.  No wonder I was in so much pain!!  It absolutely amazes me (and I know it was purely an answered prayer - so thank you for praying!) that my water didn't break early!  It's just not supposed to get that high - ever.  I said "it's cause she wasn't swallowing, huh?" and she just nodded with a frown.  "My poor girl" I said and I started crying...

She gave me the final stats... she estimated he weighs 5lbs 8 oz and is in the 71st percentile and he looks healthy.  I just stared at his pictures and smiled...  I'm starting to feel like I might not only be pregnant, but that I might be having a baby, too....